I had the best partner in the world, the first day i saw her i fell in love with her.It took me 4 years to speak to her i thought she ws out of my league. I had a partner that we always were fighting 12 years i put up with it for the 3 boys sake.Then one day i woke up and realised all the damage them poor boys must be going through, so i moved out. th ex was phoning all the time but i just got on with my new life.The beautiful lady i was so in love with started to email me as we worked for the same company. this went on for months, and finally we got together i could not belive my luck. She was more than i could ever wish for and i loved her more and more every day even the ex was still calling and giving grief.
That was two years ago it was great i had the kids one weekend then my lady came the other. Untill 4 months ago my life fell apart, i got a letter from the police saying they wanted to question me. So a week later not knowing what they wanted me for i went in and that was the day my world fell apart . they said my ex had put in a complaint in that i raped her anally and broke her jaw over 3 years before. I could not belive what i was hearing they questioned mr for over three hours and bailed mr till the 22 nov.
six weeks i had to cope with that so what did i do i thought coke would help me through this as i had to be strong for my girlfriendand her son. It was playing on my mind so much that i could not even see my boys that i took more and more coke starting with a grm then i needed 2 to get the same buz and then an eighth that i made last 2days at a time. My excuse to myself was come the 22nd the charges will get dropped and i will get my life back to normal.H ow wrong i was on that day i was rebailed till the 11th dec i could not belive it my wonderful girl was sticking by me and gave me the support, but i turned to my so called new friend who took over my life. And every morning how many people said what i said none today and i mean that.i get home from work call my dealer and said to myself this will be the last one.So i was hooked and changing into something that was nasty, any little problem seemed like a massive one and i would explode and who took the brunt yes my poor girl, she saw a big change in me and once found rolls and a blade in my bed draw and confronted me and like any addict you lie and lie, if i was strong enough and told her the truth i would not be writing this now (sorry to go on but if it is a help to one person that does not have to suffer the way i am). i was wakeing in the mornig and the first thing i did was a line the pressure i thought i was under was immence. on her birthday a couple of weeks ago i wanted it to be so special i had to pick her up for work at 7am which is an hours drive away so the night before i took a whole eighth so i would not fall a sleep as we all know how hard it is to get up in the morning well i made it and work that day was he|l.She came back to mine and we went for a meal which was a joke kids running the place and she saw i was going to explode which i did . we came home and argued i was not angry at her i was angry at myself,and left her downstairs as all i wanted was sleep .the next morning she said take me home so i started again more angry at myself cause yes i gave her a birthday she would remember.
when i got home i was full of remorse remember the coke was giving me emotions i had never felt before and i was clueless how to handle them. but with a lot of talking and making excuses lying to her she forgave me thta was the thursdy. i was full of flu by the weekend and so was she medicine coke and lager i was taking and on the monday she asked me to do something for her which i would always do anything for her, it took me all day on the phone to sort out but i sorted it without getting angry, but little did i know my so called best friend was keeping it all in for me that evening she rang me and just talking that she said that she would not be down this weekend as she had been ill the following weekend she had stuff to do, i felt so let down and used, i told her so but not shouting. what did i do i went to the pub four hours later i came home and her son text me and that was it i could hear a voice in my head saying they are using you, so i text him back with stuff i knew that would hurt him he has problems as well so i let him have it both barrels and not happy with that i started texting the one i love so much and did the same to her.
The next morning i was still angry but did not realise the damage i had done, that was then i knew i had a problem a big problem.I have tried my hardest to see my girl i even admitted what i had been doing and that it was not me but she wont and her boy that i love to bits wont even talk to me .I hate myself for been so waek and turning to coke i hate the stuff but it loves me and i want it out of my life. On the 11th i got a call rom my solisitor saying that i was going to be charged i could not belive it my head was in bits i had lost the two closest people to me and now i was going to be charged with rape and asault. i was going out of my mind thinking if i had talked to my girl instead of taking coke i would not be dealing with this on my own.I hated what i had become and realised that my weakness was ruining my life, my best mate came to pick me up to go to the police station, and on the way there i got a phone call from the officer in charge of the case saying that he has been arguing with the CPS cause he wants to look into the harrasment order i have out on my ex, and he was going to rebail me to the 22nd jan i could not belive it i did not know if i was coming or going.So now i will have no kids at christmass (part of the bail condition to have no contact with the mother) which i have not seen for four months and that is breaking my heart and i also lost the two people i love the most. All through coke.I went to bed last night and took 10 sleeping tablets thinking i would never wake i sent her a text at four in the morning knowing she would not hear it and read it in the morning. 9 oclock this morning my mother was shaking me and i woke up,cant even do that right.
i feel a right mess i cant think straight and my life is in total ruins because i was weak and turned to a drug that took over my life. i hate my self for what i have become and the hurt i caused, i am sorry this is so long but to understand what that *censored sh_t does to you and the damage it will cause you and the people closest to you. I need help i have been to a doctor and he sent me to the people that talk to you ,but i need to go to hospital can anyone help me
that is one pretty nasty story that you wrote. it would be easy to say it is no wonder you are so messed up on coke, given all you are dealing with at this time. however, unlike the old riddle, what came first, the chicken or the egg, it is quite obvious to most here, that it is coke in the first place that has brought all this havoc and torment into your life. putting aside the charges which your ex brought against you, you seem to acknowledge that your use of cocaine has only further stripped you of what decent lifestyle you once had. so knowing this, that coke is making your life more miserable and difficult to bare, what is it that you hope to achieve by asking if someone can offer you help. i am not implying that no one here is not willing to offer to help you, but i believe you must know that the answer to your problems lie within yourself and that only you can bring about the peace of mind which you seem so desperate for now.
if you have taken the time to do some reading here, you will fully understand that the only way to win the battle against this drug and its destructive force is to quit using the drug. the only way this can be done is for you to truly feel that you have had enough with your world being turned upside down.
it appears that you have lost much to this drug already. how much more do you want to lose before you decide you've had enough and want your life back. the solution to your problem is quite simple indeed, but all the help in the world is not going to bring an end to them until you believe that you can no longer allow this drug to enslave you as it is obviously doing.
you can look at my story and see that i have been through a tremendous amount of bullsh*t myself and that i could have every reason in the world to continue using cocaine as a means to cope with, or more to the truth, not cope with my problems. however, i have reached a point where i, and only i, have decided that the drug was ruining my life and that quite simply the drug and i do not mix well at all, and will in all likelyhood kill me if i continue to use. what does it take for you to come to that same conclusion?
you are the only one that can help youself. many of us here are will to accompany you as you work toward sobriety, but none of us can bring these changes about for you. we can, will and do share our experiences and it is up to you how you wish to use those experiencs.
of course, quitting coke does not guarentee that your life will be restored in a way to make you comfortable, but it would most certainly eliminate the almost daily occurence of new situations which will bring only more stress upon you.
you only need to get honest with yourself to find your way out of this mess.
how have you been these last couple of days? keep sharing and update us and we'll work with you.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
of course, quitting coke does not guarentee that your life will be restored in a way to make you comfortable, but it would most certainly eliminate the almost daily occurence of new situations which will bring only more stress upon you.
Exactly, it is hard to pick up the peices but getting through by focusing on right here and right now instead of everything can help so your not feeling so overwhelmed. I know to come out of everything and see all the damage was for me something I never really wanted to go through but in the end no pain no gain. Toughen up and stay focused on what you want and you can do it. Things have a way of changing in the future as my cousin had a restraining order from his wife but with time the relationship was restored.
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