Post subject: MY TOP TEN REASONS FOR ENJOYING 2007
#10 that out of the three times i'd been removed from my residence by ambulance, that only one neighbour ever inquired and that i'd been able to answer without shame and inform them that i had to undergo emergency surgery to have a plastic bread bag tie removed after it perforated my bowel.
#9 whatching the incredable looks of disbelieve on peoples faces when i tell them the scar is a result of not chewing the plastic bread bag tie three times before swallowing it, when there are at least 50 other self inflicted wounds covering my body.
#8 not asking the beautiful, young, east indian nurse if it was going to hurt when she had to stick the suppository up my *ss.
#7 knowing the beautiful, young, east indian nurse fired a dud the first time and had to reload.
#6 finding out i could still masturbate after i went blind.
#5 realizing my boss didn't show up to work on the one f*cking spring weather day out of thirty because the patriots won 16 all. (was he sh*t faced?)
#4 having my boss turn me on to his favorite brew which is in limeted quantity; meaning that as long as i invest $12.40 a day in a six pack, i'm employed for life.
#3 having michelle visit me, via drug induced hallucinations and making me appear crazy. (happy new years, michelle)
#2 having nichole coax me into sleeping in a bed after 14 months of sleeping in a wicker chair
#1 still sleeping in my wicker chair while nicholes out earning her 30 day fob.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
happy new year too you both,you two are one of the big reasons i come back to this site,you both make it very interresting and i love the advice you both have to ofter others even if its handed out with tough love sometimes.my best to you both and dont change a thing cause would get purty borning around here if ya did.love yas
Hugs diane
Bread ties? Self inflicked wounds? Wicker chair rather than a bed? Dang Bill, what a year...(hey furry palms improve masturbation...uh, so I've heard. heh heh heh)
"A brand New Year, same old troubles, stroke of midnight did't change a thing...I'm still the pin that's gonna' burst her bubble...writes these sad songs I sing"
Brian Hineman of "the Bottlerockets"
Hey guys, this one's gonna' be better than 07' for me, truly tired of chasing the dopeman, hiding from my family, squandering money...tearing myself apart for ever shorter moments of "pleasure". Please keep in touch as you've been the some of the best influences I had these last few months.
Peace and Love for you all...Stephen...
_________________ i've tried, but i can't run no more...
Hey guys, this one's gonna' be better than 07' for me, truly tired of chasing the dopeman, hiding from my family, squandering money...tearing myself apart for ever shorter moments of "pleasure".
steven,
to answer your pm.
my problem with cocaine started on jan. 20th, 2006 and from that day on i used coke just about every day. i started out ingesting it but after three months damaged my sinus so bad i couldn't use it that way anymore so switched to injecting. i injected for about three months everyday, probably on average between 20 to 30 times a day. as a result my body couldn't handle the stress of the continous trauma of poking into the veins and the bacteria that was entering my system regardless of how careful i was trying to be. my body just couln't keep up and eventually started to fail me. i lost weight considerably and looked like the walking dead. despite this i continued to use the needle until one night, sometime in april or may of 2006, i needed to be taken by ambulance because an injection went bad.
by the time the room had filled up with cops, firemen and paramedics, i was feeling a deathly chill and my entire body was experiencing violent bouts of shaking. the paramedic was unable to take my blood pressure because they could not hold my arm still, nor were they able to get a thermometer in my mouth. eventually they got me on my feet and out the door onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. i didn't know what to think. i was glad that they had me in their care but still i feared the worst and wasn't sure if they were going to be able to save me.
by the time they got me into the hospital my entire body was wracked with a pain i would never have imagined possible. i never really gave much thought to anything else now, except that i wished i would die right then and there. for hours i just writhed in agony and they did nothing. i could not understand this at the time but i guess they knew i would get over it. i didn't know it though, and for hours i continued to scream and beg for water to wet my parched throat and mouth but of course my words were only a faint whisper and no one heard me anyway. the only thing i could see in my mind and be aware of was this image of something round which i took to mean my bones. and from each of these bones all i could see was this immence, uncontrollable pain, flowing from them. i would move from side to side or too my back trying to find a position that would offer me some escape from the pain but there was none to be found. i went through this for almost five hours until eventually the pain began to subside and a feeling of awful sickness overcome me. suddenly i knew i was going to vomit but could not raise my voice loud enough to let anyone know and so just vomited where i lay. they were quick then to turn me on my side so as not to choke or suffocate. had i been at home by myself the outcome may have been different. throughout the course of this violent encounter i had clenched my jaw so tightly together that i had literally knocked two of my teeth out.. i'd gotten what they call 'cotton fever.'
that experience made me swear off needles, yet still, i bought an 8 ball of powder and some needles on new years eve and went at it again. i was up for 48 hours already when i did what i'd planned to be my last injection for the night. i f*cked up and double dosed. this day a year ago at 8 a.m. i thought i got the loaded chamber. my heart felt like it was going to explode. i had resigned myself to death.
after the cotton fever incident i turned to smoking crack which allowed me a similar high. i smoked crack pretty much daily right up to the point where i realized my life was going way down hill. although i'd already known nichole for quite some time, it was when i started smoking crack that her and i started doing drugs together. at the time she was dating a guy who was running a fairly substantial drug operation out of a restaurant he leased. i started hanging out there more and more as this was crack central and the supply seemed endless. i stopped showing up at my day job and spent my nights driving nichole around so that she could sell, crack, cocaine and heroin. i was also doing deliveries for her boyfriend. this seemed to be where it was at and i was pretty ready to just turn myself over to the night, come what may.
however, one evening, nichole got busted by the cops while i was driving her. they let me go but she was off to jail. two or three nights later, i returned to the restaurant after doing a delivery to find myself staring down the barrel of an automatic weapon. i was then dragged out of my van and cuffed. this wasn't police. it was the the ERT, emergency responce team. this was a full scale bust. after that night, i wasn't so sure that i wanted to live that kind of life. i decided i wanted to quit crack cocaine. that was oct, 21st, 2006. i smoked my last hit of crack on feb. 13th, 2007.
i tried to go back to work but felt i lacked the drive to do so. i'd been out of touch for so long and the drug use had left me feeling tired and somewhat depressed. i guess i felt as though things would just never be the same for me. shortly after i stopped smoking crack i began to use amphetamines to give me the drive i needed. i did this for about six weeks i think. not good. i was very abusive about it, lots of halucinations, not looking after my health. there were some serious consequences. i guess i was clean for a short time again but then started back onto the amphetamines last july 1st and used daily for four and a half months up until the day i went into hospital in mid november. i had a chance to rest while i was in there. i decided i didn't want to do drugs anymore. i didn't like what it was doing for me. i didn't feel like i was my own self anymore. drugs had turned me off. i didn't like what it was doing to nichole. i didn't like how it was robbing from me, someone who i cared for deeply; someone i loved. i still didn't like the stories i was reading on the site here from the loved ones of addicts. i finally decided, steven, that i no longer cared to be a part of the contributing problem.
so there you have it. my history. start to finish, of a problem i no longer care for.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
WOW...Many thanx for sharing...a very intense story. One of the many great things about this site is I'm maybe able to learn from other's experiences. Bill, I'm 44 years old (4f*ckin'4 as I like to call it) and curious...how old are you?
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Please keep in touch as you've been the some of the best influences I had these last few months.
Hey, this site never ceases to amaze me with positive vibe you guys generate... 
