Confused but need to take action

puppyinmv · Newbie

I have never joined an online help forum but feel compelled to reach out to a community for support, guidance and wisdom. I have been married to my husband for over 12 years and no longer feel like I know the man I married. We have two amazing daughters ages 11 and 7 and I am increasingly concerned about their well being and the example I am setting by continuing to tolerate my husband's addictions.
When we met, I knew my husband smoked pot. I also knew that he would be a wonderful father and would not be threatened by my career success as we knew he would be a stay-at-home dad and I would be the working spouse.
He is a sweet, caring man and a wonderful father...but.....he has become increasingly dependent on drugs and alcohol. About 6 months ago, I caught him with cocaine. It broke my heart. I told him I could accept the pot but that I could not accept cocaine abuse in my world. He told me it was his first time and it was no big deal. About 3 months ago, I caught him with it again. This time, it was when I reached for a plate and pulled one down that he had put in the cabinet shortly before I had come home. I was reaching for the plate in order to give my girls some dessert after dinner at friends. It could have just as easily been one of my daughters reaching for the plate. Recently, I found it yet again....only this time I looked for it as I could not understand why my introverted, quiet husband was acting so strange...outgoing, talkative, bragging, etc.
I confronted him again in a gentle, kind way. I told him that I'm especially worried about how he is mixing cocaine and alcohol. He is drinking more and more and is a chronic pot smoker....many, many times a day. I told him I do not want my girls to lose their dad and I do not want to lose my husband.
Yet, I'm finding that I'm becoming angrier and angrier at him. He has a charmed life. He does not work and we have full-time help. I make a very good living and handle much of the household responsibility, including all the finances, the girls schedules, doctor appts. etc. He finds joy in playing golf and hanging out with his kids but more often than not he is depressed and unmotivated....sits and watches television much of the time.
I have begged him to get some help but he refuses. He even makes comments now about wanting "extra credit" for doing basic things like picking up our sick daugther from schoo, taking our daughter on a hike, etc. Basic things that any parent would love to do, especially one that is home and has the time and the health.
I try to see the world in a very positive light. I try to extend benefit of the doubt. I try to be a positive role model for my girls. But his behavior is making me so very sad. I have decided to seek help professionally and via this site. I do not yet know what the answers will be but I know I have to take more control. He knows what he is doing is very wrong. He has made comments to that effect and is paranoid about my talking to anyone about what he is doing. I know I cannot force him to get help. I can only get help for myself. I welcome any suggestions anyone has for me. It just hurts so much to see my life unraveling. And it makes me angry.
I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders--supporting my family financially, being a good mom to my girls, being a good daughter to my parents, one who is not well, and being involved in my girls school as a Board member. I also travel for work and am trying to take care of my own health. Getting some help in living with an addict is a first step. Thank you.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear puppyinmv,

Welcome

You have every right to be concerned about your finding that your hubby is using and how this effects your daughter’s as well as your family as whole.

You have found a great place for information and support. Know that you are not alone as sadly many if us here have found ourselves in very similar situations as we try to coincide with a loved one in addiction.

If you have not already done so, please take the time to begin reading here:
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects.html
(You can redirect yourself to this link by going to the NAVIGATION BAR under the MAIN MENU, then by following the link “Crack, Cocaine Addiction”

From their you will want to pay particular attention to the section titled: “Cocaine and Family,”
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... html,which will help you better understand how best to deal with many addiction issues that may surface, as well as issues that you are already experiencing in your current situation.

Last but not least continue reading the forums and individual stories that are placed here by members that are dealing with loved ones in addiction as well as those that are facing addiction themselves.

It is so very important that you realize as you have stated above that you can not force him to seek the help that he needs, but at the same time there are things that you can do to improve YOUR perspective and how you can most effectively deal with his addiction issues that face all of you as a family.

Sadness, anger ....frustration ....definately the entire range of emotions all coming to play upon you when dealing with addiction. This site can offer you a excellent place to vent and work through your thoughts while you gain valuable feedback that can help you help you better understand the adversities that your family is facing ...

Utilizing the resources that are available to you locally as well is certainly a great plan !

Hang in there and keep posting ...

Wishing you Strength and Peace ...

Michelle

jbird · Newbie

Dear Puppymv,

I am sorry about your troubles and can not offer any help because I fit the mold of your husband above. Every time I use I feel sad about what it is doing to my family. I have kids and I have been married for 10 years. I have confessed to my wife, but she thinks I am clean again. Your husband may feel the same, depressed, and scared about the consequences. I plan to stay clean and if (when) I can make it a couple of weeks I will write back and offer more support. I hope your husband can get some help.
Jbird

puppyinmv · Newbie

Thank you Jbird and Michelle for your responses. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear from supportive people who understand. Jbird, I sincerely hope you are able to stay clean. I have asked my husband if it would be ok for our girls to be doing what he is doing. He said it would not. I am sure you feel the same but I also know how hard it must be to fight an addiction. Just take one day at a time/one hour at a time. Perhaps posting here is a good start.
I am just beginning to become familiar with this site and feel like I have found a safe place to go, especially on the truly bad days. We have just had our power restored after 54 hours which has been added stress in an already tenuous relationship. I have reached out to my EAP and plan to seek some individual help this week. I am assessing whether I need my daugthers to have the same opportunity.
It really helps me to have virtual contact and a safe community as there is no one I feel I can speak with that knows our family.
I just wish I could convince himm to seek some help. But he keeps saying I"m out of control and he's fine.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Puppyinmv,

Quote:

I just wish I could convince himm to seek some help. But he keeps saying I"m out of control and he's fine.

Don't let this stop you from further proctecting the best interest of you and your children.

I have no doubt that many times my loved one felt that I was blowing his addiction and addiction issues out of proportion. In fact there were times that he could almost make me believe that I was, but in truth I was not.
I feel that it is very difficult for an addict to see what often keeps us so concerned and trouble regarding thier behavior and what they are willing to risk because they are so caught up in what to them seems most important... USING. Their views can be very distorted when it comes to seeing anything that stands between them and the drug.

As far as your girls go, kids today can be pretty savvy. Chances are that they are aware of more details that you think they are. I personally think that they need to know that they can come to you and discuss issues that may be upsetting them regarding the changes they may be experiencing in the household and with their Dad. I would definately ask your counselor for advise on how best to handle this topic with your girls.

Keep us posted ...

Strength and Peace,

Michelle