Post subject: desperate times call for desperate measures...
Well I suppose it would be best to start off with a little background information. I am 17 years old, and not only do I get to deal with all the emotions of being a teenage girl, but also the difficulties of being addicted to, as I like to call it..the most glamorous drug cocaine. Im sure most people agree that it never crossed their mind that one day they would be posting forums on this site, and of course becoming a cocaine addict. For me, its slightly different because I also never saw myself getting kicked out of my house, becoming a prostitute, living in the middle of nowhere in a trailor park, stealing, and most importantly allowing a substance to take over my life. Id love to say that it sounds a lot worst than it is, but then again id also love to say the subject was my way of getting your attention. So here it goes...
It all started on my 17th birthday, and unlike most things these days i do remember that day. I experimented with various other drugs before, but this one could compare with no other. And that day I told myself that I am never allowed to do it again, and warned everyone who ever said they wanted to try it that it was not worth it. Knowing this right from the beginning leaves the question on why I am here. Well... it was only 3 months later that i was on vacation with my family, and i was introduced to the chawlie man. It started with only being one night, to the rest of the vacation, to allowing a homeless bajan man with cocaine into my hotel room, to an 8 month dream that I hope to wake up from one day..
When I returned from the trip, I was done. My sister returned a week later and the first thing she said was " we need to get some". Which has become the most used phrase between us. My days consisted of waking up to some lines..going to school and doing lines in the bathroom every chance I could get..going to work with a now runny nose and of course doing some lines..and i guess i shouldnt leave out going home, and staying up all night..doing lines.
It was only a month later when things became unimaginable. The sad part is, i didnt realize what was going on until months later. I met the wrong guys, and not only was i taken over by the drugs, but also by "men". I thought it was absolutely spectacular that i was addicted to the most expensive drug, i was getting picked up in the most expensive vehicles, i could snort all the cocaine i wanted.. and it never really crossed my mind what i was really doing. I would get random guys calling me and without question would go to these same places everytime ment for girls like me. This was a business and i am guessing they probably made a lot of money off me. Looking back now, i realize things i never considered before. I remember the first time i went, i felt so glamorous cause i did cocaine..and felt no fear to say it. Telling a "pimp" that was mistake number one. Mistake number two was sleeping with him that night, and the final mistake was allowing myself to believe that it was normal. What scares me the most is thinking back to that first night, and i was so mad at myself and at the guy..and i told him "I honestly dont remember anything" and i knew what had happened..but it was a blurr..and what he said back to me terrifies me now "good" thats all he said, just that one simple word.
As the summer slipped away it just kept getting worst. I was sneaking out, lying to my mother, and became isolated from the real world. The last night i slept at my mothers, i slept under my own bed in hiding. And with my luck..got caught. My mom had enough and she packed everything i owned, and changed the locks on the doors. Thank Lord my parents are divorced and i was able to live with my father and his family. The funny thing is..i became an angel, I tried soo hard to be the best kid in the world, but what was i expecting??..It was a week later that i finally took a day off to unpack all of my stuff and oddly enough that same day was the day they decided to tell me I couldnt live their either (which they knew all along) and that i would be moving to a small trailor in the smallest town in the universe where my dad stays when he works.
As all my friends were in school, living a normal teenage life, my days became more and more crazyy. My actions become more and more stupid. And my addiction becomes worst and worst. That is only the beginning, and about 4 months of my journey so far. I would love to tell more, but i find i tend to go off and my stories become long and boring... I also dont want to get any farther because i am ashamed, and scared of what people will say. I did not write this for people to criticize me, or tell me what they think about what i did..i wrote it because as i was reading what others put, it has been a part of them for years..and that is a brief description of what i remember about my first 4 months. And i can say honestly say as much as i wish things were better, theyve only gotten worst. I am a 17 year old girl crying out for help .. and ive realized i cant trust or count on anyone i am close too.. so i hope someone out there will read this and will look past the fact that i am a coke *censored prostitute and if not..i hope that someone reads this and realizes that glamour isnt all its cracked up to be.
What a sad ,sad story.I want to welcome you to the site and to let u know you are in a good place here.Dont be afriead to speak your mind here to ask questions and read,read,read.i cant even know what your going through as at 17 i was having my first baby and dint get involved with the drug until my forties.It breaks my heart to see young people get so taken in by this drug as u have your whole life ahead of you.Please get help now before it takes your life.I wish you the best and hope u keep comming here and start to make the right chocies for yourself.
Hugs Diane
I agree your story is very sad, not at all the life that a 17 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her should be experiencing. You have definately got my attention and the following should explain further...
I would like to share with you a short story that I think that you need to hear. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the death of a young girl that I knew. She was in her early 20's when her young life met an abrupt end that left her 2 children without thier mother. Her life as a teenager was not far different from what you have described above. I remember her Mother grabbing me up on one occasion to retrieve Falon from a crack house where her Mother had discovered that men were doing trains on her in exchange for drugs. Keeping Falon safe was a challange that her family lost in the early morning hours of January 6th, 2007. Falon's Mom recieved a phone call that she had been shot in the head and chest while sleeping. Falon never knew what hit her, but her family lives and feels the pain of Falon's addiction and loss day after day. Please don't let the same happen to you. Stop now and begin taking positive steps to address your addiction before it is too late.
I am glad that your here and I encourage you to keep reading and sharing your story here. Please, don't let your embarrassment, or shame keep you from reaching out for the help that you need to end this nightmare that you are living. It is not too late for to begin making healthy choices and good decisions that can take you far into the future. My heart goes out to you and I want to encourage you to keep posting and sharing here knowing that you are not alone.
Also, I want to thnk you for sharing as your story shows their is nothing glamorous about addiction, something so many learn too late.
Please stay in touch, post what you feel here. Don't worry about length, or content as this is your thread to where ever you feel you need it to go to work through this as you are ready, willing and able to do so ....
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
well thankyou for writing back..I wish I would have found this site first to let my secret out instead of confiding in a friend. I have a lot of trust issues..and with this new story..it will help exlain why.
I had never told anyone about this, and only a few close friends knew about my addiction until i decided to tell a friend ive had for years everything. What happened next was unexcusable for a friend. My friends name was michelle..just to make the story a little easier to explain. Anyways, one night i was with michelle at her boyfriends house, and instead of taking my car, one of her other close friends drove. I became really upset, and michelle was making me look like an self-interest person infront of everyone..so i could no longer handle the situation, and i left. I told michelle i was going with the lebs (the guys i had been sleeping with) and she became really upset, and decided it was necessary to tell each and every person there my story. Th minute i walked out the door, my phone died, it was 1 o clock in the morning, and fairly cold. I was high out of my mind, and my only thoughts were that if i walked anywhere i would end up on a street, and if offered drugs would never leave. So i decided to stay in a park across from his house, and wait.. for what..i have no idea..but i waited..and went through a million episodes as im sure everyone can imagine. Finally 3 hours later i decided to go back to the house and get my phone charger. I was shaking because i was soo cold.. and looked more *censored F--> up then ever. When i asked my friend for my charger.. her only response was..~~im so mad at you~~..so as i walked away back into the cold..i looked back..and everyone was standing on the lawn watching me walk away. My hands were soo cold i could barely hold the phone charger..but my only option was too go up to a house, and charge my phone from there. At this time my only option was to call one of the lebs..in order to get out of there. About an hour later finally one of the guys i had already met up with before came to get me. He took me to one of the same apartments, and i chose not to do anything with him. The result was him pulling over to a corner downtown and telling me to ~~get the *censored F--> out..and that it was convenient being next to a bus stop~~..at this moment i absolutely broke down..i guess he had a little sympathy for me..and things turned okay. Well until the next day when my friend txted me telling me i had no friends...and convinced my best friend since i was 5 years old to hate me. The next month I came to messages everyday from my two best friends telling me ~~how *censored F--> up and disgusting i look~~..~~how i had no life, friends,~~ sending songs that reminded them of me, and of course the random people asking me if i was a prostitute. I am friends with both of these girls again, because i believe that everyone should be forgiven. This is why i have trust issues, I realized from this that i would rather have the whole world calling me a prostitute, then my two best friends and thats why I cant figure out if it is worth going back to my old life.
Every single person in my life has let me down, and i have forgiven them every time. But since i have started using cocaine on a daily basis, i have become extremely close with my sister. She has showed me that there is someone who cares about me, and even though she is not influencing me in the right way, i trust her with my life. In order for me to quit, i would lose my sister, and i dont know whether its worth losing her, and gaining the people who have let me down so many times back. I know it is taking over my life, and i realize what i have become, but what if i feel like its all i have to make my days go by faster, give that good feeling, and something i know will always be there::..I would love to quit..and i think i could if i had a good enough reason..but right now i feel like i will lose alot more then i will gain..
Please understand that the girls you say remain your friends have never walked in your shoes to know and most likely do not understand why you would compromise your relationships and your dignity to continue using. To the average person that has not taken it upon themselves to learn about the issues of addiction, it is very difficult to understand.
It is extremely difficult for a person watch someone they care about continuiously making ill choices that jeopordizes their health so much more.
Consider that your friends are tuned into your unhappiness with yourself, but your actions have shown them that their concern for you does more good then repeatedly beating their head against a brick wall to get your attention.
You Wrote:
Quote:
When I returned from the trip, I was done. My sister returned a week later and the first thing she said was " we need to get some". Which has become the most used phrase between us.
Followed by the following Quote:
Quote:
Every single person in my life has let me down, and i have forgiven them every time.But since i have started using cocaine on a daily basis, i have become extremely close with my sister. She has showed me that there is someone who cares about me, and even though she is not influencing me in the right way, i trust her with my life. In order for me to quit, i would lose my sister, and i dont know whether its worth losing her, and gaining the people who have let me down so many times back.
I encourage you to look at the two quotes above, and using every shred of honesty that you may have left inside you to consider the following:
Have you not through your own choices, let yourself down, but look to others to embrace you in spite of your choices, knowing that they can not fix it for you? Trust me, their hands are tied ... allow me to explain further...
Your sister is no different then any other user that is in active addiction. Although she may care about you, the caring and concern that should be present is not because she herself is consumed by her own addiction. Your cocaine use only supports and justifies her using and vice versa. It may be that neither of you are alone in your addiction, but as well neither of you are likely to take the necessary steps to improve your situations anytime soon, or worse ...if ever.
Consider that your friends are at least concerned about the changes that they are seeing in you. I am not saying that they have addressed your addiction issues in the right way, however I can also relate to the frustration that they must be feeling watching a friend destroy herself in the name of addiction.
In reading your post above, I see a young girl that talks about the good feeling that she gains from using, but at the same time feels destroyed by the consequences of her own actions and decisions.
I can tell you that the only one that can improve your situation is YOU.
Quote:
I would love to quit..and i think i could if i had a good enough reason..but right now i feel like i will lose alot more then i will gain..
You would love to quit, but you are not willing to make the commitment to quit, nor are you willing to seperate yourself from the people that make it "ok" for you to use? You are not givng up your sister, for your friends because your addiction is "safe with your sister, therefore you will continue using and risking your life that you are so willing to entrust to a fellow addict. The most important person that you are willing to give up in order to continue this cycle of destruction is YOU.
Please take the time to look over your life as a young girl prior to your addiction. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you, if that is what you choose. What were your dreams then? What were your plans for the future? What part of your life would you like to have back... ?
The choices belong to you and you alone. No one can make the decisions for you, nor can they make your want to take back the controls any more then they can make you love yourself enough to make the difference for yourself.
So I ask you, how much more do you need to experience before you not only would love to stop using, but be willing to make a commitment to yourself, for yourself to stop using?
My post in not intended to make you feel more alone then you already feel. I am simply trying to lay out the reality of the situation as I see it with the hope that you will consider what is truly in your best interest for a happy and healthy future.
Strength and Peace to you... Please keep posting...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I havent wrote for awhile, and that is i havent had a reason too.
I am slowing snorting cocaine less and less, and am starting to enjoy life.
I havent quite woken up from this dream yet, but i see it coming to an end very soon.
I have realized that although the drug makes things like cleaning, school, work, and any other thing most people dont enjoy doing, FUN"
it makes all the things i do enjoy doing a lot worst.
I have started only using when I have things i dont like doing, and although i feel i am making process, i know this journey has not come to an end yet.
I am working again, moving back in with my mother, and going back to school
and planning on graduating this year. After i plan on becoming a teacher and i do realize i have my whole life ahead of me.
My dream in life is to experience everything and anything, and i suppose this is just something that falls into that category. I am a stronger person, and a changed person since i began 8 months ago, and i do not regret ever doing this, but i hope that i can change, and with a little more help i think i can.
This is not the end, and i am guessing i will be back, posting about my new troubles and ideas about cocaine, but i have been clean for almost a week now, and that has been the longest time i have completed so far. Thankyou for your comments though, and i hope you continue with the feedback.
Ahhh don't worry about the missing words, I think everyone can get the general idea from what you have written.
I can understand that you are attempting to baby step away from your addiction which tells me that although you may want to Stop using in order to get your life back on track to where you someday hope to end up, you are not yet willing to seriously stop using all together.... I agree that it is a pretty heavy commitment to make and unless you are truly ready to force this change upon yourself, for yourself you are leaving yourself wide open for your addiction to escalate.
Consider that if you continue to make allowances to use, even on occasion the risk of falling back to a place that you clearly do not want to be is always and forever present. The drug still takes the controls when you feel the urge to use, your excuses are right there waiting for you and there is little to keep you grounded to the dreams and direction that you say you want to achieve.
Consider that when a person that has achieved long term sobriety makes a conscience decision to use, he/she then risk falling back to full blown addiction. Convincing yourself that you can babystep away from this drug is not being realistic and can back fire in the worst ways possible. You can not effectively use your drug as a reward for time spent clean. It does not care about your efforts, nor your dreams, there is no scale of playing fare when it comes to addiction. Simply put, you can either leave your addiction behind you as you move forward to embrace your dreams, or you can put your dreams behind you to embrace your addiction. Inevitably, one or the other will WIN OUT and the choice is yours to make.
Congratulations on making it almost 1 week since you have fed your addiction. Be proud of your accomplishent knowing that it is a great beginning and that everyday that you can add to that brings you one day closer to reaching your goal of sobriety and the opportunity to look towards a healthy and rewarding future that you can embrace and enjoy.
Consider the next time you have a task before you that is unpleasant, mastering that task on your own steam, you know you can do it if you truly want it bad enough and I am here praying that you do what I know you have the power to do. The only one that truly needs to be convinced is YOU. Have faith in yourself, knowing that you CAN !
Please keep reading, and posting and above all don't give up on your hopes and dreams as life is way too short to to throw away so much as a moment to addiction... Good Luck ....stay strong !
As Always ...Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I would love to speak with you more...I know all about the meaning the glamour is not what it is cracked up to be! Pm if you would like I would love to chat..You would be the first that I hav talked to hear yet besides a couple family members...Best wishes, TT
Everything you say makes complete sense to me. And i must say i love the way you put it. I thank you for writing back and it gives me a better understanding of what is going on. I am so happy i came here, because you are the only person who seems to understand, and know what is going on. So i still have not made it a week. The the past couple days, i did not think about it at all, and then suddenly today i woke up to the point where i would do anything for it. I searched my house in and out for money, and when i couldnt find any, i didnt give up. Finally i ended up rolling change, taking it to the bank, and yes i did it again today. It was the worst feeling in the world, i had no idea what to do with myself, and i became extremely paranoid. This is what happens everytime i do it these days, but still i get those sudden urges, and i will do absolutely anything in order to get some. Now that i have a job, and am going to school, I will be able to keep busy with other things, but i will also have money once again, and living in the city will make it more convenient. My parents are leaving for 3 weeks, and I am watching the house. MY 18th birthday is during this time, and with all the excitement, i really dont want to mess things up. But being able to go out to the bar, meet new people, and have no one to watch me, scares me a little. It would be nice to stop before i turn 18, but i just cant help myself when i get these urges, and I turn into someone that i myself am even scared of. I look in the mirror and i no longer recognize myself, I prefer being alone and not dealing with people, I make plans and break them, I go into phases were i just scream and yell and freak out on people then snap out of them 10 minutes later, when i should be crying, i am laughing, and i take the things people say in a very different way then it was ment. I am living inside my head when i am on this drug, and I love seeing the old me, the real me, even if it is just for a couple days, but its almost as if another person has formed inside of me, and i dont know how to get that person to leave.
Thank you for your honesty about using and I also thank you for your kind words...
I am sure that I am not the only person that understands you, there are others and eventually they will get around to posting here with your best interest at heart.
I don't have all the answers, nor will I claim to have them. I am just sharing with you what I see in your situation, "my opinions" and I am just tossing things out for you to consider. I put it to you in this manner because I feel that it is important for you to realize that you are the person in control of your actions. What you take from this site, or any other resource is up to you. You have the controls over your own destiny as far as addiction and recovery.
No one can do this for you,
however I feel that if you
can put things into a healthy
perspective in your own mind,
you begin collecting the rest
of the tools that you will
find helpful in leading you
towards recovery.
YOU are the one that needs to commit to keeping yourself free of drugs and in touch with what it is you truly want out of this life.
Quote:
Finally i ended up rolling change, taking it to the bank, and yes i did it again today. It was the worst feeling in the world, i had no idea what to do with myself, and i became extremely paranoid. This is what happens everytime i do it these days, but still i get those sudden urges, and i will do absolutely anything in order to get some.
Ok, so you chose to use and you need to remember how that made you feel, knowing that should you chose to use again the same feelings will most likely surface. Leaving you to feel the loss of your sobriety, when using left you feeling quite ill with yourself to say the very least.
Consider that you need a plan that you can resort to the next time you are feeling the urge to use. If cash on hand is a problem, do everything in your power to limit the amount of cash that you have available to you. Anything to make your access to purchasing to use difficult and allow you the time you need to work through your urges. Make a phone call to a friend and commit to an outing that will take your mind off using, something ... anything that you feel will work in your behalf. Take a long shower, journal why it is important to you to stop using.
In all seriousness, keeping a journal is a good way for you to vent your frustrations, log what you feel on a daily basis. It is there as a reminder and a great tool for you to go back and use, so that you can see the emotional roller coaster that this drug keeps you on. Don't just write about the bad, but the positives that you feel when you are sober and the valuable time that you use when you use. Just an idea for you to consider. I have worked through many things through journaling as well as I have learned much about myself from doing so.
Do consider taking some time to thinking about some things that may work for you through the rough times. Don't wait to come up with a plan when the urge hits you, plan ahead and commit to making it work.
Your determination plays a very important role here, and your participation and willingness to commit are key to reaching your goal.
Quote:
My parents are leaving for 3 weeks, and I am watching the house. MY 18th birthday is during this time, and with all the excitement, i really dont want to mess things up.
You already know that this is a time that you will need to be very cautious, so try planning events ahead of time that you will commit to ahead of time. An idea would be to make plan with friends that will not put your want for sobriety at risk.
Start making plans now for your 18th birthday and the days surrounding the event that you will make a commitment to not back out at the last minute.
Do this with the intension of having a great time with people that you enjoy without the influence of drugs, or alcohol.
Yes, I did add alcohol to that commitment. I did so because we all know that alcohol weakens our defenses. Much easier to throw things to the wind while we are drinking and you are more likely to use in that type of environment.
Also you need to keep present in the forefront of your mind the dangers of using cocaine and alcohol together.
Worried about cash on hand and you want to enjoy your birthday? Consider investing ahead of time in something that you can enjoy not under the influence of cocaine. A concert with a trusted friend, or dinner and a movie out, perhaps to new outfit to wear out on your birthday!
You know you can purchase gift certificates ahead of time, therefore removing cash from your dealers hand in advance and leaving you something fun that you can enjoy ... a gift that you give to yourself for yourself.
Lets not forget that you are 17 years old sweetheart, and these are the things that you should be enjoying at this stage in your life. Good things, positive things that can see you happily into the future where dreams await.
Your reward preplanned in advance, hopefully an eighteenth birthday that will not be shrouded with remorse and regrets and the "worst feeling ever."
You have the opportunity to make your eighteenth birthday a memorable experience in a good positive light ... it is yours for the taking.
Plan ahead,
look forward to it,
make it happen
and embrace the feeling!
Find pleasure in the power
that you have within you
to do right for yourself.
Remember ...
happiness stems from within.
If you are happy with yourself,
the rest will eventually follow.
Misery is the name of the other person
that resides inside of you...
she is a result of your addiction.
As you begin to find true
happiness within yourself,
paying close attention to your
emotional and physical health,
misery won't stand a chance,
and the real you will know
the value of making healthy
decisions, the real YOU
will be the one left standing.
I wrote this Poem, in 1999...I had it published in 2000. Write it down put it on your fridge whatever..Hold it tight! It helps me, I thought it could help others!
"CHOICES"
Walk through the day.
Feel the temptations.
Good One's , Bad one's.
The ones we choose, make our day!
Good One's , Bad One's!
A choice can be our savior.
A choice can be our death.
Good one's Bad One's.
Lord knows we try our best.
Even when it comes to choices.
Go on with the good and learn from the bad!
CHOOSE TO MAKE YOUR DAY A GOOD ONE!
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Posted:Jan 07, 2008 - 03:51 AM
