how to stop mother from being an enabler?

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

My younger 19 y/o brother still lives at home with my mom, and my grandmother lives there as well. He is possibly going to jail for violating probation (we won't know until his court date). He has broke into my home, stole my mom's ATM card and overdrew her account, and in addition to other thefts from additional family members he has even stooped so low as to steal a bag of change from my 4 y/o daughter! Whom he use to adore . . . . He will not admit he has a problem. My mother & grandmother feel bad for him and worry about his depression. He has no job nor does he have intentions of getting one. My mother covers for him, sticks up for him, pays his fines and drug testing costs, and the kicker . . .ready for this?? She bought him some of that crap to clear his system prior to his most recent drug test (he told her he had smoked pot) - well he failed and yep it was + for cocaine. She didn't tell me this, my sister did. I am the only one who will stand up to my mom and try to help her see what she is doing, and although my other family members all agree with me - no one will back me up when talking to my mom. I think my mom needs the intervention - to stop enabling him before he kills himself. A lot of what I have read on here rings so true - she doesn't think his problem is really that serious, she thinks shes helping him, etc. How can I help her to realize she may be acting in a way that could lead to her sons death therefore sucumbing her to an eternity of grief and regret?

Also, if I attend his upcoming hearing for probation violation, what are the chances that I could speak to the judge or probation officer and clue them in on what has been happening . . .so they are aware? They keep giving him a "another chance" (but this may have been the last as I mentioned earlier we believe this time he may go to jail)

One last note, above in beginning where I mentioned he broke into my home - no we did report because #1 no solid proof #2 we think he entered w/ a key (stolen from my mom - which she denies) #3 the only items we noticed missing was about $15 worth pop bottles. Also my brother has always had some "anger management" issues and combined with his addiction I am afraid of him.

pause4poetry · Moderator

It's like the old saying;

"you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

It is very difficult for a parent to not want to try and protect her children at any expense. Sadly your mother feels shielding your brother is helpful, or perhaps she is not truly certain how to help him....

Consider sharing as much information as you can with your Mom about addiction and addiction issues. If need be print out valuable information that provides information on enabling and how it does not help the person in addiction, but provides an ideal environment for one to continue using.

The following link will connect you to an informational section of this site that covers multiple topics regarding cocaine addiction. The link is located in the Main Menu of this site under crack/cocaine addiction: http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects.html

The section titled Cocaine and Family addresses how not to enable a family member in addiction, which I feel does support what you are trying to relay to you Mother. As sad as it may be, until your mother accepts that your brother's problem is serious she is likely to continue enabling him by covering and picking up the pieces to save his skin. What she does not realize is that she is engaging in helping hide and not accept the adverse consequences of his addiction. Do attempt to provide your mother with educational material regarding addiction, then allow her time to read and digest what you have provided. Hopefully education will be what opens the door for your mother to learn ways to better help your brother before it's too late. Unless your brother is made to feel and deal with the adverse effects of his addiction, he will continue on the same destructive path he is currently on...

I would think that you would be able to speak with your brother's probation officer if you wish to voice your concerns about how things truly are on the home front, what your concerns are as a whole, and why. I am sure that he could take what you have said into consideration when presenting your brother's case to the judge if he feels it has any baring on decisions to be made.

Do set boundaries regarding yourself and your family to discourage your brother being able to enter your home when you are not present, or not at all if necessary. Collect keys that may fall into his hands for the time being, or change your locks. If it is necessary for your mother to enter your home from time to time when you are not home, you may want to consider leaving the key with a trusted neighbor to be collected and returned as needed.

I can relate to, and feel for what you are going through. You have come to a great place for support and information. Hang in there...

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

Thanks so much! I agree that educating her is a great place to start. And my brother has not been permitted to even visit my home while we are there - my husband will not allow it and I support this as much as it breaks my heart.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Heart breaking, but so often necessary to seperate yourself and your family from the adverse effects of his addiction. Setting these boundaries also allow him the opportunity to further feel the adverse effects that his addiction is having on his relationships, which will hopefully, eventually lead him to taking an honest look the reality of his situation. This is not generally something that happens overnight, but it is a good beginning.

Consider allowing your mother time to process the information that you provide to her, not expecting an immediate response. Hopefully she will be able to come to terms with his addiction and be opened to the idea of working to NOT enable him any further.

Keep us posted ...

Good Luck!

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

Thanks again for your advice and comments. The other night my mother called me to borrow money to pay for my brothers random drug testing fee. I told her I didn't have cash on me and she was crying. I told her to not worry about it - it's his problem not hers; I was angry and couldn't hold back. She hangs up on me. When I called back she told me she did not need me "preaching" to her. I tried to explain the reason for my words, that I am tired of seeing her hurt so much and that he is an adult and must learn to deal with the consequences himself. We ended on civil note. I was angry again later when I heard from my sister that the reason my mom didn't have the money to pay for his testing is that cash was missing from her purse! I was fuming. I then sat at my computer for 4 hours and proceeded to put my thoughts, concerns, and recent aquired knowledge onto paper. I gave her facts about the drug and the addiction, links to this site and others, examples which clearly showed how each one of us within the family were being affected, and overall just poured my heart out in the most direct and honest way I could. It's been about a week since I gave her the letter and have only mentioned it once to ask her if she had read it and she had. I then left it alone and figured the "ball is now in her court". I will give her the time to process it and just hope she will one day SOON open up to me about it so I can help her to be strong and stop enabling him. Until then he is losing nothing - so why would he want quit? However, I dont see that time coming in the near future . . .his court appearance for violating his probation (he tested dirty) is tomorrow. He gave her a guilt trip, crying that he is afraid he will be sentenced to jail (3rd violation) and so what does she do? Gives in and lets him have the car keys and CASH to go play pool. Yea. . .I'm sure thats where he was headed (note my sarcasm). Anyways there is my update and I have still been all over this site and I cant believe how many people who do have so much at stake get sucked into this horrifying addiction. Especially the fathers and mothers of young children.

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

just an update . . . my bro is still messing up - violated again. we think this time he may actually go to jail - letter he got states he had his final warning, but we'll see. finally got my mom to admit he was an addict and that he does have a problem! but still followed by all the tears, and the "I just don't know what to do . . . ". Since its been some time since my brother and I have spoken I decided I would invite him out to dinner. To my surprise he accepted and said that he has been wanting to talk to me regarding some things anyhow, he said things he wouldn't talk about in the past - hmm??? I told he that would be nice, and mentioned that I didnt have any hidden agenda, but just dinner. He says "Yea, I know". : ) ? So we have a dinner date for tomorrow evening. Can't wait to see how it goes . . . .either he is ready to admit he has problem and perhaps ask for help; or he just scared out of his mind about going to jail. Either way this feels like a step forward . . . . I am really excited for tomorrow. I know that we can't know for sure what he may open up about, but if anyone wants to offer what I should say, or not say, or do - just in case - I am open to all opinions. Thanks and I just want to say the posts on here are wonderful, so may supporting individuals.