how to stop mother from being an enabler?

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

My younger 19 y/o brother still lives at home with my mom, and my grandmother lives there as well. He is possibly going to jail for violating probation (we won't know until his court date). He has broke into my home, stole my mom's ATM card and overdrew her account, and in addition to other thefts from additional family members he has even stooped so low as to steal a bag of change from my 4 y/o daughter! Whom he use to adore . . . . He will not admit he has a problem. My mother & grandmother feel bad for him and worry about his depression. He has no job nor does he have intentions of getting one. My mother covers for him, sticks up for him, pays his fines and drug testing costs, and the kicker . . .ready for this?? She bought him some of that crap to clear his system prior to his most recent drug test (he told her he had smoked pot) - well he failed and yep it was + for cocaine. She didn't tell me this, my sister did. I am the only one who will stand up to my mom and try to help her see what she is doing, and although my other family members all agree with me - no one will back me up when talking to my mom. I think my mom needs the intervention - to stop enabling him before he kills himself. A lot of what I have read on here rings so true - she doesn't think his problem is really that serious, she thinks shes helping him, etc. How can I help her to realize she may be acting in a way that could lead to her sons death therefore sucumbing her to an eternity of grief and regret?

Also, if I attend his upcoming hearing for probation violation, what are the chances that I could speak to the judge or probation officer and clue them in on what has been happening . . .so they are aware? They keep giving him a "another chance" (but this may have been the last as I mentioned earlier we believe this time he may go to jail)

One last note, above in beginning where I mentioned he broke into my home - no we did report because #1 no solid proof #2 we think he entered w/ a key (stolen from my mom - which she denies) #3 the only items we noticed missing was about $15 worth pop bottles. Also my brother has always had some "anger management" issues and combined with his addiction I am afraid of him.

pause4poetry · Moderator

It's like the old saying;

"you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

It is very difficult for a parent to not want to try and protect her children at any expense. Sadly your mother feels shielding your brother is helpful, or perhaps she is not truly certain how to help him....

Consider sharing as much information as you can with your Mom about addiction and addiction issues. If need be print out valuable information that provides information on enabling and how it does not help the person in addiction, but provides an ideal environment for one to continue using.

The following link will connect you to an informational section of this site that covers multiple topics regarding cocaine addiction. The link is located in the Main Menu of this site under crack/cocaine addiction: http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects.html

The section titled Cocaine and Family addresses how not to enable a family member in addiction, which I feel does support what you are trying to relay to you Mother. As sad as it may be, until your mother accepts that your brother's problem is serious she is likely to continue enabling him by covering and picking up the pieces to save his skin. What she does not realize is that she is engaging in helping hide and not accept the adverse consequences of his addiction. Do attempt to provide your mother with educational material regarding addiction, then allow her time to read and digest what you have provided. Hopefully education will be what opens the door for your mother to learn ways to better help your brother before it's too late. Unless your brother is made to feel and deal with the adverse effects of his addiction, he will continue on the same destructive path he is currently on...

I would think that you would be able to speak with your brother's probation officer if you wish to voice your concerns about how things truly are on the home front, what your concerns are as a whole, and why. I am sure that he could take what you have said into consideration when presenting your brother's case to the judge if he feels it has any baring on decisions to be made.

Do set boundaries regarding yourself and your family to discourage your brother being able to enter your home when you are not present, or not at all if necessary. Collect keys that may fall into his hands for the time being, or change your locks. If it is necessary for your mother to enter your home from time to time when you are not home, you may want to consider leaving the key with a trusted neighbor to be collected and returned as needed.

I can relate to, and feel for what you are going through. You have come to a great place for support and information. Hang in there...

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

Thanks so much! I agree that educating her is a great place to start. And my brother has not been permitted to even visit my home while we are there - my husband will not allow it and I support this as much as it breaks my heart.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Heart breaking, but so often necessary to seperate yourself and your family from the adverse effects of his addiction. Setting these boundaries also allow him the opportunity to further feel the adverse effects that his addiction is having on his relationships, which will hopefully, eventually lead him to taking an honest look the reality of his situation. This is not generally something that happens overnight, but it is a good beginning.

Consider allowing your mother time to process the information that you provide to her, not expecting an immediate response. Hopefully she will be able to come to terms with his addiction and be opened to the idea of working to NOT enable him any further.

Keep us posted ...

Good Luck!

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

Thanks again for your advice and comments. The other night my mother called me to borrow money to pay for my brothers random drug testing fee. I told her I didn't have cash on me and she was crying. I told her to not worry about it - it's his problem not hers; I was angry and couldn't hold back. She hangs up on me. When I called back she told me she did not need me "preaching" to her. I tried to explain the reason for my words, that I am tired of seeing her hurt so much and that he is an adult and must learn to deal with the consequences himself. We ended on civil note. I was angry again later when I heard from my sister that the reason my mom didn't have the money to pay for his testing is that cash was missing from her purse! I was fuming. I then sat at my computer for 4 hours and proceeded to put my thoughts, concerns, and recent aquired knowledge onto paper. I gave her facts about the drug and the addiction, links to this site and others, examples which clearly showed how each one of us within the family were being affected, and overall just poured my heart out in the most direct and honest way I could. It's been about a week since I gave her the letter and have only mentioned it once to ask her if she had read it and she had. I then left it alone and figured the "ball is now in her court". I will give her the time to process it and just hope she will one day SOON open up to me about it so I can help her to be strong and stop enabling him. Until then he is losing nothing - so why would he want quit? However, I dont see that time coming in the near future . . .his court appearance for violating his probation (he tested dirty) is tomorrow. He gave her a guilt trip, crying that he is afraid he will be sentenced to jail (3rd violation) and so what does she do? Gives in and lets him have the car keys and CASH to go play pool. Yea. . .I'm sure thats where he was headed (note my sarcasm). Anyways there is my update and I have still been all over this site and I cant believe how many people who do have so much at stake get sucked into this horrifying addiction. Especially the fathers and mothers of young children.

whywillnoonehelp · Newbie

just an update . . . my bro is still messing up - violated again. we think this time he may actually go to jail - letter he got states he had his final warning, but we'll see. finally got my mom to admit he was an addict and that he does have a problem! but still followed by all the tears, and the "I just don't know what to do . . . ". Since its been some time since my brother and I have spoken I decided I would invite him out to dinner. To my surprise he accepted and said that he has been wanting to talk to me regarding some things anyhow, he said things he wouldn't talk about in the past - hmm??? I told he that would be nice, and mentioned that I didnt have any hidden agenda, but just dinner. He says "Yea, I know". : ) ? So we have a dinner date for tomorrow evening. Can't wait to see how it goes . . . .either he is ready to admit he has problem and perhaps ask for help; or he just scared out of his mind about going to jail. Either way this feels like a step forward . . . . I am really excited for tomorrow. I know that we can't know for sure what he may open up about, but if anyone wants to offer what I should say, or not say, or do - just in case - I am open to all opinions. Thanks and I just want to say the posts on here are wonderful, so may supporting individuals.

joy4myfamily · Newbie

Hi. I'm new to the website and came across your discussion via "googling" ~ My mom is a MAJOR enabler for my sister (age 32) and it's putting pressure on the relationship between my mom and I (age 26). Whom I viewed as my best friend and now see as just a fake host for avoiding confrontation with all parties involved. And my sister takes advantage of it big time. I have a lot of anger towards my sister and trust issues with my mom now for covering for her. She gives my mom sob story after sob story (example: that I never give her a chance & how I think I'm so much better than her) I feel as though she's minipulating situations to turn my mom against me and my mom denies it (which she's told me before my sister has said these things) but I feel the difference after our last argument. Which was actually between my sister and my husband. Which I think made things worst by my husband getting involved instead of myself. because now my husband is the worst person ever and my poor sister was attacked?!! why doesn't anyone see through her mess except for us? And now my family (husband + 3 kids + prego w/ 4th) have moved out of the house that we bought from my parents (to help them out)... now we moved out to an apartment to let my parents and my sister and her family (fiance + his 3 kids) to take over and my sister has made everyone believe that my husband is controlling me and that I'm not sticking up for myself or the family. As if I'm a victim of my husband now?? So no matter what I say now about my sister they look at me as if I'm the one with the problem. I'm so frustrated with her. It was my idea to move out a.s.a.p. trying to avoid further problems with my family and immediate family (husband + kids) but it's turned around that my husband is moving me away from my family because he's mad and controlling. There's so much to the story, I'm trying to cut it short...

The thing is we sold our house and bought my moms house to help them and we put more money into fixing my parents house so that in one year we could sell it and my parents walk away with more money and we get our invested money back. However, my sister was already living there with her boyfriend which is now her fiance and they moved his oldest child into the house right before we bought it. now over a year later my mom doesn't want to sell and i feel as though it's b/c my sister has made herself at home there and with no plans on leaving. plus she's got her fiance's other two kids so now there's three kids. i have three kids and pregnant with our fourth. there's too many people living in that house. when we bought the house i told my sister to start saving to move in a year and she did nothing. i've told my mom about her addictions and her fiance's addictions and she says things like "i can't let this go on anymore" and "she needs to grow up and face reality" but when it comes down to it she does and says nothing negative to my sister - only compliments her and reassures her that this whole argument will blow over and I'll be her "friend" again, just hang in there. As if she's the victim here. It's sooo FRUSTRATING!! I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!! I'm the one who's pregnant and my mom's babying her! I hate using the pregnant card for sympathy but AAARRGGG!! I feel so immature as if I'm fighting for my moms attention. All I want her to see is what my sister is doing to her and what she's allowing to be done to her. Selling this house is suppose to be her retirement and my sister is making herself at home and moving in this family. I've seen emails between my mom and sister where my sister does this whole sob story about money problems and my mom is the only one that loves her and how she's never leaving unless they tell her to. and my moms replies are like "you know we love you too, hang in there and trust in Lord, somethings gotta give, live a good life infront of them (me & my family) that's the best revenge..." I'm so mad with how blind she's being.

I started reading about enabling addicts, etc... and the role of an enabler fits my mom to the "T"!! I've thought about printing all the info I've found and giving it to her (like what you did) however, I'm so scared of ruining our relationship more. I'm afraid she'll get mad at me. Like she already is. I have confronted her via email about all my feelings of my sister, my husband and the whole situation not putting any blame on her - thinking that she would validate my feelings & I could get over the situation - but all i got in return was her angrily sticking up for my sister, putting down my husband and telling me nobody is going to change for me especially her (my mom)!! Everything negative that I said about my sister was turned around in her head as her problem and me blaming her. Why does she take on so much responsibility for her?? Any advice?? Anyone??