Hi all,
Its been a little while since I have had a chance to log on. I have been checking the site quickly whenever I have had a chance. I have been going through a really weird and hard time. It is like my one year bubble burst and it has been a complete struggle everyday. I have been struggling to get back in touch with my Higher Power it was as if my fathers death just cruised by too easily. It was as if that one year marker came and went just too easily.
The truth is this year has been the toughest year of my life. Getting and staying clean has been one of the biggest struggles and accomplishments of my life. I have cried buckets. I am still crying buckets. I feel like I am ready for the nut house. I ask myself why am I doing this what is the point? I know deep down inside of me what the answer to these questions are but it doesn't seem to matter to the addict that is me.
Stephen phoned me the other night. It was about 11pm PST I don't know what time it was in Alabama, he was hurting, his son just came through a major surgery and it was successful. But Stephen was hurting and no one really understood his pain. I understood his pain. I was in the same pain. The pain we were in had nothing to do with surgeries or families or lack of. The pain was that of a misunderstood addict. The pain was that of the loneliness an addict feels the emptiness, the pain the regret, the bittersweet irony of being clean and being treated no different than you did when you were high or feeling just as worthless.
Regardless, thank you Stephen once again for having the uncanny knack of what? being in pain at the same time as me? picking up the phone and calling another addict? for sharing your pain with me and letting me share a little of mine with you.
Thanks Stephen.... it's been a rough couple of weeks. I read your lyrics. They are beautiful. They are so real. I feel them.
More later friends.
Peace and Love
Tasi
PS. Bill called me yesterday, he too is coming through his fire, he is clean as far as I know. Almost completely out of his apartment. He's supposed to come out this way this week to see Nicky, maybe I'll see him too.
Saw Nicky today, she's awesome. love her to pieces. Oh and I'm finally taking my cake on Saturday.
Ciao 4 Now
Tas
PPS I even still hear from our grumpyoldcant... I know he got quite upset here on this forum, but I am happy to report that Paul is still battling his cocaine addiction and is really a beautiful, talented and sensitive man that has been wounded deeply by his past and has overcome a tremendous amount to become the artist that he is.
Peace
Hello Excrackerjack, U don't know me. But I have been on this site for a little over 2 weeks and have read until my eyes have crossed out of my head-lol... But anyway I wanted to tell u have really touched my soul with everything u have said here.. Like I said u don't know me but I really feel like I know u.. Maybe it could be we are alot a like.. But I'm sorry to bother u-really I am... I just wanted to tell u, u really are a sweet and loving person the way u help people.. U were heaven sent.. And I wanted to tell u, thank u for all the encouragement u have given me even if u haven't ever talked to me.. I'm I making sence?? I promise I ain't high when I wrote this comment.. But Thank-U again for being a role model.. May Lord bless u and help u on your journey in life.. Take care.. Oh, and Thank-U again, Frogge
Dear Frogge,
I just want to say thank you for your kind words. You have no idea how much they helped ME today. Anyhow, I just came back from stopping by the recovery house and having a good one on one with Jen in the office. That woman is a G0D send. She let me meltdown (i've been doing a lot of that lately) and talk about that horendous loneliness that void that addicts feel when the dope is gone. That is what I have been feeling most of all, that VOID that emptiness that loneliness that my lover and best friend and companion dope used to fill. I am no longer distracted in the bubble of a recover house/rehab I am facing life on life's terms. My parents are dead. My daughter is grown and moved on with her life and has her own set of issues and resentments she carries towards me still as a result of my addiction and I can accept that those are consequences, I cannot change what I have already done, only myself and what I am doing today. My youngest brother and my nephews who I adore have moved away to another Province in the last year, they too are gone and my older brother is in the states.
I find myself, standing clean and alone and going wtf just happened? Where did my life go? Where is my family? I got clean why? (I know why Lynn don't jump down my throat)
This deep dark depression sets in and it is a scary place. Addicts know what to do in this scary dark place don't we? I know better today. So I hate myself. I hate myself for wanting to get high and saying no.
I say NO. I HAVE A CHOICE AND I SAY NO!!!!!!
So why do I hate myself?
I have been consciously trying, fighting begging G0D to take me back, to forgive me.
Jesus said "Forgive seventy time seven"
It has been these words that have been in my head as the tears roll down my cheeks this morning talking to Jen.
Jen looks at me and asks me where I'm at in my step work? Step 9 Making ammends first to G0D then to self then to the dead then to family then ask G0D to put those in your path that are on your list to make ammends to.
I bypassed a step you see. I cannot seem to make ammends to myself. I need to forgive Tasi. I need to forgive myself and make peace with myself for not being there when my father died for letting myself down for relapsing, for giving up my clean time for not being true to myself, for being a failure an emotionally unavailable mother, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, human.
I Tasi need to forgive myself completely, otherwise I can never truely make an honest ammends to anyone.
I have been consciously trying, fighting begging G0D to take me back, to forgive me.
Girlfriend....what are you talking about?
First of all, G0D doesn't let go of us...
He doesn't get rid of us, He doesn't leave us.
We let go of Him, we get rid of Him, we leave Him.
You do not have to fight with Him nor beg Him for anything.
Especially for His presence in your life and His forgiveness.
Once you ask Him to forgive you,
of whatever it is you seek His forgiveness for,
your sins are forgiven....that's it.
excrackerjack wrote:
Jen looks at me and asks me where I'm at in my step work? Step 9 Making ammends first to G0D then to self then to the dead then to family then ask G0D to put those in your path that are on your list to make ammends to.
This is why I have a problem with the 12 step program.
First of all, you can not make amends to G0D.
There isn't anything you can do to compensate Him,
for the things you have done which were against Him.
All we have to do is ask His forgiveness,
and stop doing the things we're asking His forgiveness for.
Maybe the problem is....
you're putting your faith in the 12 steps and not Him.
G0D wants you to move forward,
what's done is done....that's it, it's over.
What you need to understand is,
you need to focus on what you're doing now,
and what you've been doing recently...
not what you did years ago and who was effected years ago.
If the opportunity presents itself,
tell someone you're sorry...
other then that, don't worry about it.
excrackerjack wrote:
I bypassed a step you see. I cannot seem to make ammends to myself. I need to forgive Tasi. I need to forgive myself and make peace with myself for not being there when my father died for letting myself down for relapsing, for giving up my clean time for not being true to myself, for being a failure an emotionally unavailable mother, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, human.
I Tasi need to forgive myself completely, otherwise I can never truely make an honest ammends to anyone.
Look Tasi, you can not change what's been done.
I don't think your problem is with forgiving yourself,
I think the problem is with you being o.k. with forgiving yourself.
Thank you Jesus, that I do not have a problem with,
being o.k. with all the things I could let eat away at me.
Tasi, you're problem isn't with the steps,
your problem is not taking your steps with G0D.
You're depending and counting on a system,
which is modeled after G0D's Word....
yet, doesn't give Him the credit and has made it their own.
G0D wants you to place your faith and trust in Him,
not in some system of steps and conditions.
If you believe in G0D and Jesus as you profess to,
then you do not need to work through and complete,
a series of steps to be able to stay sober.
G0D is sufficient.
In My Thoughts & Prayers,
Love,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I have never personally posted to you before Tasi, but I need to tell you that you feel you have a very deep and loving heart, and this world needs more people like you !
Hang in there, I have not been on-line much myself of late, but enough to notice and be concerned that you were not here.
Keeping you in my prayers...
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Wanted to tell u Excrackerjack I been thinking about u and praying u are still hanging in there... When I said u were a role model I mean it!!! Do I think your perfit-no... I think your human and u are setting a good example on how much u care about people and would do anything to help anyone... And I think u helping people also helps u... U have to give to receive and I think u have showed that here... Sorry I went all the way around to world to just say "I'M THINKING ABOUT U"... Sending hugs and prayers your way for today that u have a wonderful day!!! Take care my friend, Cat
Well I really do have to thank Lynn for the reality check she gave me. It was just what I needed. Since then I have been feeling much better. The dark cloud has lifted and I feel I am back on track again.
I took my one year cake on the 29th. It was something I had been avoiding doing since the 14th when I really hit the mark. Now that it's done I feel better. Really it wasn't for me. It was more to show others that it can be done. You can get off dope and get a life.
I could make so many sarcastic remarks right now but I will refrain. Remarks about getting a life that is. Anyhow. I'm happy. That void has been lifted. Ask and you shall recieve.
It's a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy it. Work has been picking up again. So that's good. I can't complain. I actually like myself today. What a scarey thought. LOL!
Anyways. Love and Blessings to all that read this today. May light shine upon your path and give you the happiness you deserve.
What happened to the days when Lynn and I used to duke it out? When did Lynn and I become friends? When did she win me over? What is happening to me? Lynn quick. Insult me!! whip me. Beat me down!! Please I am a masochist!!
Lynn I need you!!
Dear Lynn,
I got so excited over at IGNORE LYNN that I thanked you for my flogging over there! So I have come back here to give you your props where deserved... Thank you thank you thank you...
Truth be known it is as if I have turned a corner and my life is taking on a new fresh outlook. I feel positive and happy. I look forward to waking up each day and drugs are truly not a part of my reality today.
I have empathy and patience and understanding for what drugs do. How they can destroy lives and families. But like you pointed out to me Lynn and my counsellor has been pounding into me and I have a tendancy to forget,
the past is the past. It is done. We can't change it. We have to accept it and move on. Hoping for a better past.. Trying to repair your past or "go back to the way it used to be" will never happen.
I have now truly invested in my new reality. Life without drugs. Life without my parents. Life with an angry daughter. I am okay in my own skin. My daughter is working through her stuff. I have to accept she is an adult. She'll stop being pissed off when she stops. I am not going to stop loving her. Each day I stay clean is a way to make amends to her. To rebuild trust. That's the best I can do. I'm not letting her brow beat me anymore. I've set up boundaries because I love myself enough to do that today.
When I was using, when I first cleaned up .... I let her call me a junkie and a crack head. Not any more. It is unacceptable. I won't allow her to talk to me that way, and since I've made that boundary, she doesn't.
It doesn't mean my addiction didn't do damage.
Regardless. It is spring. I am happy to be alive and free of drugs.
I am on my way over to the recovery house to see Nichole now. I have to say that I am so extremely proud of that girl. She has over a hundred days clean!!! That is almost a third of a year!! WOW! WhoIsNickyNow? Lynn she says to say hi to you!
I have been getting her jobs cleaning up this old farm house and trailer and will probable have her working on the farm for blueberry season. She is so serious about her recovery it blows me away. She has watched while several girls she got close to went out and relapsed. Some came back some did not. Some do the revolving door. Nichole has stayed strong and clean throughout.
Anyhow. I am going to see the brat now.
Peace out all. Hope you all have an awesome and beautiful day.and or week.
Well, Lets see..... I can honestly say that today I am not grieving the loss of my drugs. Saying goodbye to drugs was something I had to do. Today I can deal with my stresses, my disappointments, my joys, my celebrations, straight up. I don't need to get high. I remember when I was using, I had an excuse for using. I would use cuz I was mad, or cuz I was sad or nervous or impatient or happy or because it was sunny out or because it was raining. There was always a reason to use. In fact I'll never forget one of the most painful questions that a counsellor ever asked me.
This was back when I was on the methadone program and still using crack heaviliy. I had to see a counsellor at the clinic every week in order to get my methadone. One week when I was with him he asked me what are you like when you smoke crack? I said well what am I like right now? Then he asked me "What is it that you are feeling just before you pick up the phone and call your dealer in the morning?"
I couldn't answer that question.... I had been up for a few days I wasn't really feeling much except bothered by that question. I told him I'd think about it and answer it next week.
The next week when I went to see him I said (and I was high as always) "I thought about that question you asked me last week....." then I started crying and I couldn't stop. He said what's wrong? I said through my tears " I thought about the question and the answer is, I don't know what normal people do after they wake up." and I cried and cried.
That was my sad reality. I had been doing dope for so long so hard I really did not know what a normal person did when they woke up. All I knew was call the dealer get dope get high. That's all I knew. I was devastated.
When I left that appointment I remember looking in the sky and asking G0D to stop this cycle to help me.
That night because of the criminal activity I engaged in to get money for my drugs... that evening I was surroundend by 6 police cars. I was handcuffed face down on the pavement. I remember getting into the patty wagon and saying if this is what it takes G0D okay.... if this is what it takes.
I went to prison for about six months. I used in jail. From jail I went to recovery and that was where my journey first began. I stayed clean for three and a half years. Yes I have fallen since then I am back on the path to recovery again today and I can say when I look back, I do not ever want to live like that again.
Today when I wake up. I know what normal people do because I am one of them. I get up make coffe and complain about going to work. I am so grateful to be able to do that I am so so grateful.
Your story reminded me of an experience that I had several years back with a during a session in which I could also not answer the questions asked. When the reality of what he was asking, and what the true answer was my response was much the same as yours... tears...
However, the part of your post that brought a heartfelt smile to face just now was this:
Quote:
Today when I wake up. I know what normal people do because I am one of them. I get up make coffe and complain about going to work. I am so grateful to be able to do that I am so so grateful.
Thank you for the smile ! ...and for sharing !
Glad your here,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thanks Michelle, I'm glad I'm here too. you see I don't go to NA meetings although I do think that for many people first getting clean they are a great source of support and I do believe the twelve steps help clear out a lot of old stuff we carry around with us. But finding this site was a Godsend for me. It has become somewhat of an open journal and has also helped me connect with other people and has shown me that there is a place where the many facets of this disease and its effects on not only addicts but the families the loved ones and everyone involved in an addicts life can come, gather and share information, knowledge and help eachother.
I am happy to be here. I am lucky to have made some of the friends I've made and the friends I am making.
Today my life is an open book. I have nothing to hide. My addiction and where it took me is a story that sometimes I can't even believe happened to me, but it did and that is my truth so if telling it helps even one person then I have done a good thing.
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