I am having problems with my daughter and I want to write about it here but I'm not quite sure where I should start the thread. She started selling pot and has now gotten in way over her head and owes some of my old growing buddies large amounts of money and they are calling me. I don't need this crap right now. She doesn't have the money. I am not bailing her out. She got in this crap, she can get out. For all I care they can come and get her car until she pays them off.
She has a bloody good job. She makes good money. My guilt-o-meter is on tilt-o-whirl I feel like a hypocrite. I brought weed into her life. This is my ex, this is my old connection. I told her to stop smoking pot. I told her that both her parents are addicts, that both Bri and I were pot smokin' hippies that we never thought weed would lead us to harder drugs, but it did.
I know I have to let her make her own mistakes. I can't bail her out of this one. I spoke with my ex. I let him scream and yell. I reminded him that this had nothing to do with me that they did this without me. He said he was helping out my kid because I was all messed up on "hard" drugs and the kid needed help, he just never thought she'd screw him over. The drama goes on and on.
I am so stressed out and I know this is the last thing I need right now. No wonder I can't rest. No wonder my tongue isn't healing.
I just don't know right now.
Other then, having a problem with these old friends of yours,
I'm not really sure what I'd like to say.
Based on previous statements you have made,
I've been wanting to touch on matters,
concerning your daughter for awhile now.
I've just been leery to do so.
I totally understand why you would feel like a hypocrite,
but, you have got to let that go....
it really doesn't apply in that sense.
And, as far as the guilt-o-meter, well,
you need to accept what you are guilty of,
without being weighed down by guilt, because of the truth.
(I know you know this and this is what you are working on
with your 'love to hate' counselor...correct me if I'm wrong)
You can only be held accountable to an extent.
She knows better and is choosing the life she is leading.
We learn what we live and live what we learn.
She not only learned how to live....
she learned how not to live.
G0D is not upstairs scratching His head,
He is in control and has His own plans for her.
Can I ask you something?
Do you feel you know how to pray effectively?
Do you feel you have the authority,
to invoke G0D's promises, through prayer?
Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I was just discussing this with someone today. I was saying that all I can really do is give her to G0D and let Him do His work in His time.
You know when I first got clean (this last time) one of the questions I was asked in my step work in step three which is all about surrendering to G0D was "which areas of my life am I having trouble turning over to G0D or my Higher Power?" at that time my answer was , my daughter and my financial life. These were the two areas I was unwilling at the time to give up control of. Since then, I have turned the corner and found a deeper level of love and faith and have turned over every area of my life. When I turned over my financial worries, G0D blessed me in ways I never dreamed possible in my first 6 months clean. The financial rewards have been great, that is not to say I am not struggling at times or having to work hard for what I earn. What I am saying is that when I gave up control and let G0D take over He did a better job and guided me in a better direction.
I have given Him Mercedes. This is all I can do. I have taken no more of these calls. Mercedes is safe and has learned a lesson that has stopped her dead in her tracks from perhaps a fate much worse. It is still in G0D's hands. I have always said if I had to help her bury the body, I would, I love my child unconditionally yet today I have to do what is right. Like you said. she not only learned how to live she also learned how not to live.I think the day I carried her home from the hospital was truly the first day I found out what unconditional love was.
I know this is how G0D loves each and every one of us.
I know that if Jesus was here today on earth, he would not be in the church with all the faithful but on skid row with the hurting addicts who need Him and His love and His healing.
Okay now I am babbling. My love and faith is strong. It is the power of prayer that is the most powerful magic in the world.
Quote:
Can I ask you something?
Do you feel you know how to pray effectively?
Do you feel you have the authority,
to invoke G0D's promises, through prayer?
Yes Lynn I think I do know how to pray effectively. He has certainly Blessed me in many ways and prayer is a big part of my life. As far as feeling that I have the authority to invoke G0D's promises through prayer? I'm not sure... I'd like to learn more about that or could you clarify for me.
I just wanted everyone to know that my results are back and I'm okay. Thank G0D and thank everyone for their prayers. You know this all kind of brings me full circle with what I started this thread with on Grief and Loss and how it relates to my mother's death. My mother died of Squamous cell carcinoma. She never smoked or drank it was the kind of cancer a tobacco chewing whiskey drinker gets. She thought it was a denture irritation. It wasn't and she waited too long. She died very quickly.
I have Squamous cell hyperplasia which if left and ignored could have become serious but isn't. They took the lump away and as long as no other lumps appear I'm all good. But here's the catch...
Quote:
5. The person who has sustained the loss develops the symtoms like those of the deceased experienced before the death.
My unresolved grief for my mother brought up so much fear in me that I had myself reliving her ordeal and death and it all happens around the anniversary of her death.
Quote:
11. Phobias about illness and death
Now my father died on March 4th 2007 at his funeral I made a promise on his body that I would get clean and I did and I still am.
Quote:
You are absolutely correct. I did clean up out of guilt and shame and total self hatred and disgust. I went to recovery kicking and screaming I took out my hurt and self loathing on anyone that came near me. My walls were three feet thick my mask was firmly in place and no one was going to get close to me NO ONE. I was a piece of shite. I wanted to be in jail. That's where I belonged. I did not deserve recovery.
Although I was there for most of my father's illness, I failed him in the end. Again I was a coward and ran to the dope. Yes I was in a stairwell when he died.
The drug induced guilt and shame that propelled me to make the promise on his dead body got me detox. BUT IT GOT ME THERE!!
So as the anniversary of my dad's death approaches so does my one year clean.
This counsellor that I speak of his name is Justin. He saw how hard death was for me to deal with so he asked me to sit down with two of my closest friends in recovery and spend a half hour telling them what good thing came out of my fathers death. The thing that I carry with me is that had my father not died when he did, I may be dead, my addiction may have killed me. The speedballs, the heroin the crack the day after day without food or sleep my heart would have surely stopped. My father gave me the gift of life not once but twice. Thank you Daddy! I Love You!!
I have worked hard to stay clean. It is a struggle. I have been having weird dreams.
30, 60, 90, 6 months 1 year 18 months and 5 years for some reason these are danger times the first 3 you are just detoxing and de numbing and starting to feel and is sucks large at a year though your mind is playing tricks, its like the devil wants his disiple back and is looking for a new way to trip you. I have to keep that promise. Not only to my dad but to myself and G0D.
Ciao 4 Now
Peace Out
Tasi
Thanks Stephen I'm gettin' there.
Bill I just wanted to say thank you to you also. You have snuck into my life and are becoming a dear friend. I know sometimes I say things that may hurt you but I have been honoured these last few days that you have been picking up that phone and calling me through some of those roughest days. Days when you would not pick up the phone to Nichole because you were so depressed and your tears were flowing so hard you did not want to frighten her, yet through me you wanted her to know you were safe.
I am honoured that I was the first one you called to tell you were going to be a grandpa again and that you continue to call me and talk about your feelings and pain and hope and the joy that is you. You and Nichole are mirrors. When you brought her into your home and life she mirrored you. You helped her when and stood by her when no one else would because you saw a piece of yourself in there that needed saving. You guided her to recovery. She made it there. Today you look into her clean eyes and that clean mirror looking back at you hurts, because you cannot deny the truth any longer you cannot even hide behind the booze anymore. No one had to tell you. You looked into the clean mirror and saw yourself again and phoned me and said you had to do something were even considering detox. At that moment I wanted to cry because as I told you nichole and I had spoken about your drinking and how that whatever Lynn had said and I agreed with had triggered so much of a meltdown that you were now turning to the booze to cope. It was up to you to realize and not us to tell you. Your connection and talks with the clean mirror brought you that awakening quickly. when I told Nichole the next day of our phone call.. she wanted to cry... (why is it we all cry so easily these days?) Anyhow I love you dearly even though you think I have a problem but if you pee your pants when you read my facebook postings perhaps it is you with a bladder problem old man..LOL..
I was glad you called tonight for your check in you truly sounded like you have turned a corner even though you are sick. And what a G0D shot moving will be for you.
Just wanted to post something good here tonight. I am not grieving I am feeling like spring has sprung and it is amazing here what the sun and a little warm t-shirt weather can do for your spirit when you are not hiding in a basement room with a needle and a spoon or a rock and all the curtains drawn hoping no one finds you. I love my life clean today!
Peace Ya'll
Anastasia
Whatever was I thinking? Has life without drugs made my mind go absolutely stupid. Okay. So okay life without drugs mixed with sunshine can make me go a little crazy.
I think it was on Nichole's thread where I posted how giddy I was feeling the other day when we were taking pictures and the sun was out and how immature and silly I felt. Or maybe it was on Bill's thread I can't remember I think Nicky's because it started with me not being able to figure out how to post pictures of me and Nichole. So anyhow, Bill chats with Nichole, I chat with Nichole, Bill and I chat . While we were taking pictures, one of the girls with very expensive and beautiful breasts offered to let me photograph her boobs right there in the middle of the street as long as I did not put her face in the picture, this was done in a moment of madness and it was done because I do mad flirting on the internet with men around the world and since her boobs stand at attention at all times and mine need the help of Victoria's Secret she sacrifices hers for the purpose of tricking men I will never know and can delete as soon as I bore of. GAWD I cannot believe I am telling you how f.u.cked up I am. (my counsellor told me I was a deviant and to let him know when I picked my next VICTIM) ssheeesh!! Anywhooo Nichole tells Bill about the boob shots, I ask Bill if I can email him pictures for him to post and he asks me about the BOOB shots. I say that I am surprised that Nic told him about those but I guess it was kinda odd for her to see me stop my truck in the middle of the street get out have this serious pow wow with them that turns into a photo op that turns into a girl flashing me her boobs in broad daylight.
I'm telling you there is something in the air out here and the sunshine after the rain and snow, and NO DOPE and now, you see here is where I really screw up. Either Bill is a master manipulator or I am the dumbest west coast cougar alive but I was foolish enough to actually send Bill the BOOB shots along with the other pictures. Uy yuy yuy.
I am the Boob. Even though I know those boobs will forgive me in the morning. I'll bring her Timmy's yup Timmy's. She loves me. But Bill your gettin' it. Yup Kill Bill some how this has got to be his fault. Yup thats my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Luv
Tas
Either Bill is a master manipulator or I am the dumbest west coast cougar alive but I was foolish enough to actually send Bill the BOOB shots along with the other pictures.
what i'm beginning to think now is that you all are pulling a fast one on me. all i know is that i called nichole. i whistled, she whistled back. i mentioned the boob shots to her but then find out i'm not talking with nichole at all, but instead i'm talking to the allegded owner of the boobs. at least she sounded mad enough to have been the rightful owner of the boobs in question, but how can i be certain.
anyway i'll leave it to you three to sort out the boob scandle. i think i've just had my fill of boob action to last me awhile.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Well now in conclution to the BOOB story, it is amazing what a good cup of Timmy's will do. The owner of the boobs loves me. You Bill can take your bullet proof vest off she actually has a sense of humour. ( I told her I pasted Melanie's face to the boobs and Mel says as long as I bring HER coffee I can post her face on anyone's boobs as much as I want!! ) now get THIS... Nichole the little shite though says to me on the way out next time you bring coffee, do you think you could bring french vanilla?..... F.U.C.KING FRENCH VANILLA. JEEEZZZZ I told her for that she would have take a pic of her bloody boobs!!!
uy yuy yuy
Tasi
Well I guess by now everyone knows that humour is also a way of dealing with unresolved grief. If I laugh long enough I won't have to look at what is really hurting me inside. That really how much it hurts to still say "i miss you Daddy" to realize that a year has passed so quickly since he died. That it still hurts. That I don't have to use drugs to cover that pain today. That crying feels as good as laughing and that both are as healthy a release of emotion for me because I am not numb. I FEEL today. There is no dope to block the sadness the pain, the memories. I feel a heaviness in my heart today and an unfounded fear that i can't quite put my finger on. I have to thank Bill for the laughs he has provided me with the last few days and G0D for this incredible weather that had I been high I would never had the sense to appreciate and enjoy because I would be doing the grind... the chase.. hiding from the sun... from people...
For that G0D I am truly grateful... yet a looming sadness in my heart today. I sense my child is in trouble, a kind of trouble I have seen yet I can only stand back and watch her crash. A kind of trouble that I want to have an intervention for but I don't yet know exactly what I am Interventing... a heaviness in my heart because I am afraid my words may have hurt Bill again and it is the last thing I want to do as I only found out how truly fragile he is.... It could be as simple as my one year demon trying to draw my humpty dumpty heart back again.... I feel restless, yet G0D has given me all I need. My life is in HIS hands it is not my own. On my own I mess it up. I have no choice but to turn it over. I do have a choice just as I have a choice whether I use drugs or not... I choose to give my life to HIM. In G0D I trust my RECOVERY..
Tasi
Can I ask you something?
Do you feel you know how to pray effectively?
Do you feel you have the authority,
to invoke G0D's promises, through prayer?
Yes Lynn I think I do know how to pray effectively. He has certainly Blessed me in many ways and prayer is a big part of my life. As far as feeling that I have the authority to invoke G0D's promises through prayer? I'm not sure... I'd like to learn more about that or could you clarify for me.
The reason I asked those questions was because,
I wonder why you seem to be so consumed by your feelings at times.
Why hasn't G0D delivered you from,
the issues you work on with your counselor?
G0D certainly doesn't want you chained to the past.
Why do you think G0D has not delivered you from,
that which you have authority, as a believer,
to invoke His promises that can not be broken?
And, not just a believer but,
one who believes in their heart,
and confesses with their mouth.
Do you realize the true power that carries?
It pains me to see the underlying pain in your words at times,
when His Mercy and Grace, should have delivered you from the pain.
Do you have anyone actively in your life,
who is nurturing your relationship with G0D?
If there is, do you feel that you are,
being lead down the right path and by the right person?
And, do you feel you would know or realize it if you weren't?
Would you say you've been spiritually growing with G0D,
or, your relationship with G0D has remained spiritually stagnant?
You had stated in a post...
*as I understood Him*
What was your understanding of G0D then?
What is your understanding of G0D now?
No matter how far I think I'm removing myself from Him,
He always finds a way to represent Himself and get in my face.
Believe this...right now, that would be through you.
Thank You!
Peace, Love, Prayers & Blessings,
To You and Yours,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
The reason I asked those questions was because,
I wonder why you seem to be so consumed by your feelings at times.
Hi Lynn,
Ive been thinking a while on how to answer you. I guess I am consumed by my feelings today because I am no longer consumed by dope. I am a deep and feeling person. Not only do I feel my pain, I feel the pain of others too. G0D made me this way and I do not question it. I feel my feelings and I talk about them. I know feelings make some people uncomfortable because it also recalls their pain. I can't help that. We are deep feeling creatures. I am one of those creatures.
Quote:
Why hasn't G0D delivered you from,
the issues you work on with your counselor?
I wish I knew. HE does this on HIS time Lynn not mine. I do not question what G0D does, HE will deliver me when HE is ready. I continue to turn my life over and accept HIM as my Lord and Saviour.
Quote:
G0D certainly doesn't want you chained to the past.
I know HE doesn't for HE is loving and forgiving, kind and gentle. Nor do I. I revisit my past so I can heal and move on. I am not stuck there.
Quote:
It pains me to see the underlying pain in your words at times,
when His Mercy and Grace, should have delivered you from the pain.
Do you have anyone actively in your life,
who is nurturing your relationship with G0D?
If there is, do you feel that you are,
being lead down the right path and by the right person?
And, do you feel you would know or realize it if you weren't?
Thank you for your kind words Lynn, this tells me you too are a caring and feeling person. I also thank you for reminding me that I do need to actively seek out the company of a woman who used to radiate G0D into my life. The pastor's wife Lori was a woman I saw once a week and confessed all to. I did my step 5 with her, she radiated spirit. When she spoke I could feel my spirit rising. I have not seen her for a couple of months and thanks to you I am getting in touch with Lori and her family again. I am not really a "church goer" like I said for me to go to church I would have to be in Menphis at Reverend Al Green's church... full Gospel all Black because that is the spirit that moves me. and to each his own. I believe there is one G0D one Love Bob Marley said it right.
So Thank you Lynn because I do need Lori back in my life.
As for everything else. I think I will continue to feel and write about those feelings and reach out and lend a helping hand when someone needs a shoulder or an ear. Somedays I am happy and somedays I am sad.
Most of all even on my worst day I can say I AM CLEAN and it is stil better than being loaded and doing the grind.
So in G0Ds time I am willing to accept and invest in that reality.
Peace and Love
:
Tasi
Its 4 in the morning I can't sleep. I don't want to go home. In fact the saddest thing of all is I have been avoiding going home more and more lately. I am lucky I have places I can be. Safe places where no one is loaded and my roommate isn't making me wish I was chasing the dragon.
When I was in rehab. I had a roommate for 7 months. We have been best friends. She and I caused lots of sh1t at the recovery house. we flashed mooned and felt up every chick in the place as a right of passage. We laughed till we cried.... I cried.... she had trouble crying she cried some but not like other people, not like me thats for sure!! my roommate had her feelings buried very deep. She was and still is married to a very dangerous man who abused her severely. Anyway C and I we live like cell mates for 7 months. She had/has more clean time than I do. I gave her her one year cake last month. Well we moved out of rehab and in together, it was the natural thing for us to do. We were drug free stable and he|l if we could live with 20 broads and in a little bedroom in bunk beds for 7 months a 2 bedroom 1200sq ft was a dream.
What I didn't know was that my roomate was beginning to slide into a he|l that is now affecting my life, my recovery, my heart and our friendship and will soon affect her living arrangements. I've already had an intervention of sorts last week, with myself Jen the recovery house manager (our friend and her boss) you see she got fired also.. c's boyfriend (who also runs a mens recovery house) and his director of operations (Jen's fiancee).
My roomate is only awake and coherent about 2 to 4 hours a day and even then coherent isn't always true. This has become alarmingly worse to the point where I thought she was doing heroin. To the point where I had to laugh it off because only someone who has done heroin and knows the embarressment but the unimaginable bliss feeling of being so high that you are having a conversation with someone and you look right at them and say something so out of left field ....like 'when are we going to walk the dog?" and you don't even own a dog!!!! well that's my roomate right now. Three times the stoves been left on, the door unlocked , dishes piled a mile high I can't stand it. I was doing the dishes behind her for a while then I was not coming home for 2 or 3 days and there was the pile waiting for me again and I was becoming resentful. So I stopped.
At this mini intervention, my roomate addmitted the doctor has put her on methadone for pain. She's been on methadone for 2 months and been keeping it a fu@!!king secret. Both Jen and I were on Methadone and both successfully kicked it. She has been ashamed to tell anyone for fear of being judged and the stigma attached. Now she's gone from 40mls to 70mls. I on the other hand am going to come home and find my roommate dead. She has never ever used heroin EVER! Her drug of choice is speed and crack. It was driving me crazy 2 months I'm asking her what the fck I can spot an opiate stupor at a hundred paces.
I feel betrayed.
Get this. Shes so high she thinks shes okay! She wants to give me my one year cake. I don't even want to take a cake now. It seems like a joke to me. I don't go to meetings. NA doesn't keep me clean. I keep me clean. G0D keeps me clean. Today I choose not to do dope. Its not easy. In 4 days its the one year anniversary of my dads death. I miss my dad so much. There are no words for it. My heart is broken. I was always a daddys girl. And as these tears roll down my cheeks I write these words. Its okay. Because this year, I'm not downtown in a crack shack, I'm not down sick. My dad isn't lying suffering in a death bed at crossroads losing his dignity while I'm downtown sticking mine in a pipe.
Instead, I am approaching a year of sobriety. I have real life problems. I have rebuilt my life, I own my own business so I can work 10 hours a week if I want or twenty or not at all. But thanks to guys like Justin (the man I love to hate my counsellor) I am not so codependant that I am going to try and fix my roommate. I love her. I am not going to abandone her. Her mom keeps phoning Jen and me and asking "you're not going to abandone her are you? " I feel for c's mom because she is raising C's daughter and trying to stay safe from the insane biker husband the little girl calls daddy and is stuck in a court case with. I can only help C if she is willing to be an active part of helping herself. I took her to the doctor the other day. She told me she wanted to come down now that she was stabalized that she hated the methadone. I told her I would help her in what ever her decision was. Then she goes in lies to the doc about how its affecting her and has him up it 10mls. She's getting HIGH. She's puking in the can. I,m living with a junkie, this is not pain managenent or methadone maintanace. I was on methadone for 2 years to get off heroin, then I came down went to detox fought with the devil for 10 days and kicked methadone. It is the hardest drug to kick EVER!! I remember days 6, 7, and 8 holding a picture of my daughter while I was writhing in pain kicking my legs out skin crawling punching the wall with the other hand saying.... "baby girl I swore I would die for you, and if this is what dying feels like... I'll do it"...
But I can't watch my roommate die. I can't watch her kill herself. You see it's not just the methadone. She mixes it with a deadly cocktail of 400mg of seroquil and I don't know how much trazadone. We already buried one girl last summer from the very same combo. Since I've been involved with Mending Spirits (They opened in Nov 1 2002 I went there straight from jail the first time Nov 20 2002) only a handful are clean, about 6 are dead and the rest are still in active addictionand they keep coming back through that revolving door because once you have a mind full of recovery a body full of dope just doesn't work. I was that bummer at the crack shack trying to take everyone to recovery with her. That was the hardest thing for me. Leaving the people behind. This last time I have had to walk away from a man that I love so deeply. I can never turn back. I turned back once not again. The ring is off and like my love for C I can only be there for people who want to help themselves because today I love myself. I have Justin to thank for this. Although Justin thinks I'm a sex addict too. Hey no ones perfect... One addiction at a time okay!
In conclution I am giving my roomate one month to wake up. Otherwise I am giving notice and moving. I have already found a new roomate. Actually Im moving no matter what whether she joins us will be the question. She is going to be furious when she realizes what I have done and what Jen has done. We went to her doctor and told him that she is out of control.. I told him that if i find my roomate dead, he will held accountable. He phoned the pharmacy and lowered her methadone by 10 mgs and has now put her meds on daily dispensing. I don't care if she hates my guts. I will not watch her die. I will not be the one to call 911. Now what?
Another sleepless night.
:
Anastasia
Anastasia: word of advice:
If you want to keep a friendship, there are something that you should done differentially.
Never do household chores instead of the person, invite her to do it together.
1. She would see your help.
2. She will have a chance to appreciate it.
3. If you do it together it will make you closer, doing it apart will drive you a part.
Before going to the doctor I would inform your friend about it. Never create a pretend that you or she can do something behind other person back.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
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I'm gettin' there.
. While we were taking pictures, one of the girls with very expensive and beautiful breasts offered to let me photograph her 
