well here i was just bee bombing along, not doing drugs, when someone pointed out to me that i was in recovery. hmmmm! up until then, i thought i'd just quit and that was that. yes, i would state that i was a recovering addict, but that is all it amounted to, because to me it seemed a given. i stopped drug, i recovered. like i ate plastic bread tag, i recovered.
but person who says this to me, is person who i wanted to recover. so, i was a little surprised to hear them say something which amounted to them acknowledging that i was in recovery, because all my focus was on that person being clean.
so now, i'm looking at what am i doing, while i'm not using drugs. WhooooHooooo!!!, 60 + days clean. big f*cking deal! so what?
i could always make it seem like nothing and it wouldn't bother me to think about it. and why should it? after all, i dissed conventional means and did it without the help that so many grasp for and can't hold on to.
but, i sit here on this site, doing what i do and don't give a rats *ss, that i am one of the few members, (and i mean a number under five) who have beaten their addiction to the drug that beats hundreds, upon thousands of us around the world.
so this person says to me, that we can do our recovery together. and i think this is a good ideal. i think this because, this is a friend who i helped bring to recovery and i feel comfortable using the conventional methods that they are using. i think this is good also, because i believe in them and that i want to support them. i think i will endure it because love has no bounds.
so, thank you, nichole, for making me wish i'd been born in the 1800's when hanging was legal for wanting something as simple as food to sate a hunger. i'd be spared then for having to plead my existence. a feigned happiness, no doubt, for while i play the parent, the friend, the romantic, i'm a pained addict alone in a world too busy.
who hasn't thought that i should have turned back to the drug already? well, who knows what goes through my mind, what i deal with, what i idle my time with. what the f*ck is recovery? what am i supposed to be recovering from besides the drug? i thought i won. but truth be known because of my woman friend, the portal to my addiction is once again open. do i deal with it, or should i use to circumnavigate it? or iradicate it.
i can't remember where exactly on this site, i read the ideal of love between two addicts, being the savior of both, but the ideal entices me.
so, why would i consider using today? well, i'll save that for my next post. because really, i want to make it real clear to all those who are still using, that i've been where you are and that i've fought for every inch of my sobriety and that my heartache today is way bigger than what it was when i was using, and to even lean on the drug now would be the most lame *ss thing i could do. i'd rather feel the pain!
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Last edited by flaggin on Jan 24, 2008 - 09:33 AM; edited 1 time in total
Oh Bill you hopeless romantic fool. I thought you were born in the 1800's weren't you? Or was that the fake ID you were showing me?
Welcome to recovery!!
Quote:
i've fought for every inch of my sobriety and that my heartache today is way bigger than what it was when i was using, and to even lean on the drug now would be the most lame *ss thing i could do. i'd rather feel the pain!
That was so beautifully put Bill.
Today you can FEEL how awesome is that?! And how about that little Nicky huh? Can you believe what is coming out of that girl's mouth? Today she says she's not leaving rehab until they make her go. She signed a 90 day contract but told me she plans to stay longer. As far as I know the place she is at will keep you up to 2 years. Although I doubt she'll be there that long don't panic Bill>
Anyhow good on ya.
PS You move on cyber scrabble don't make me nudge you.
so, i've downloaded the 12 step literature in pdf for the time being. before i get to involved with it, i'll want to post about where exactly i am today in my recovery.
however, i will say now that i had actually been working the 12 steps once before. this was many years ago. maybe fourteen years ago. all i can really remember about it was doing the 1st step, skipping the next 11 steps and working the 13th step and then i never looked back. maybe i'll have better success this time on all 13 steps.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I am almost 8 months clean. Incredible! I never would have imagined it.I feel great; happy with my success thus far and eager to move on. However, it is a tough haul emotionally and at times I wonder where it will all take me. I am lonely, most always and hate myself for admitting I am not prepared for a relationship. People close enough to me tell me I am closed down to my emotions and can not tell how I am feeling. This is so. I am very protective of my bitterness. All I want to do is work like a machine, save enough money to settle up the coast and live out my days in semi reclusion.
it's quite interesting what keeping a journal will throw back in your face someday when you least expect it.
fifteen years ago, i was a recovering alcoholic and i'd gotten involved with a recovering addict named, betty. we hit it off quite easily and enjoyed each others company. betty made a trip back east to visit her mom in toronto. she was gone for two weeks and every evening we would speak to each other on the phone.
i would always commend her for her sobriety and offer her encouragement. when i think back on it now, i was always very excited about the fact that this woman was breaking free from a years long addiction to a horrible drug. it was as though there were a huge bargain sale on life and she was snapping up all the deals in a manner which anyone might, when they've jumped into a new found interest or hobby.
she always told me that things were fine when i spoke with her on the phone. she looked forward to coming home and at the time home meant moving in with me until she found suitable digs for herself, unless we were otherwise happy living together. the last time we'd talked on the phone, we'd made arrangements that i would pick her up at the airport the following evening.
i arrived at the airport early. her flight had been delayed and so she didn't walk off the jet until 11 p.m. i had been so excited about her coming back to vancouver and what might lay ahead for us. i had tried to do everything right and be the support that she needed.
when she saw me, her reaction was, 'pissed off'. why was i there? why had i not phoned her again to confirm our plans. as it was she was travelling with some new friends she'd met at the airport in toronto. they were heading out to a night club when they arrived back in vancouver.
i could tell betty was high.she kept insisting that we'd hook up tomorrow. she said she'd call, that she wanted things to work out between us. i told her that i really wanted things to work out as well; that i'd talk to her tomorrow. then i left.
betty tried calling me several times over the next week. i never returned any of her calls. i never saw betty again. this was a woman i'd made love to many times.
betty was a heroin addict.
fifteen years later, i am once again in love with a woman who is a heroin addict.
this time i can not walk away so easily.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i was on my way out the door today to go to work when my neighbour asked if i could give her a boost. of course i would. she's cool and i don't mind lending a hand to the neighbours. however she owns a diesel and i don't know jack sh*t about deisel engines except that the fuel smells worse than gas, but thats no big deal cause i'm just giving her a boost and a boost is a boost no matter which way you boost it.
i ask her if she's got cables. she does, but states that they aren't the greatest. this probably in responce to me telling her that i had a wicked set of heavy duty cables until i loaned them to someone and never got them back. she hands me the cables. one of the ends is broke clean off. maybe a boost won't work after all she says as she tries to somehow connect the cable end back on to the clamp. i take the cables from her and tell her that i can just hold the wire to the battery post. can you do that, she asks. i tell her, i can do that. she isn't quite awake yet and so for a second i think of touching the wire to the post and keeling over. help wake her up
i hold the wire to the post and she tries and start the engine. it turns over fine but that's all it does. the sun was out but now a huge white cloud of diesel exhaust blocks it from view. i didn't know deisel stank so bad. after several attempts the engine still does not start. her upstairs neighbours arrive home. i ask him if he knows anything about deisel engines. he doesn't. but one thing we both know is that deisel exhaust really stinks, so we talk about that for a minute or so. even his girlfriend joins in on the conversation about the stink and she's blonde. deisel fuel don't fool no one.
i get tired of holding the wire to the post so i attach the jumper and ram the wire into the handle. i go around to the driver side of her car. i can hear the steady ding-ding chime that indicates the door is open or the seat belt is not fastened, or somethings not working right. she still doesn't look awake, so i ask her what the name of the group is that she's listening too. i've confused her now, but only momentarily. she insists that the car will eventually start. she knows it. i don't know sh*t about her car except that it won't start and it runs on deisel. i'm in no rush so i agree with her.
she works with drug addicted clients down town and so her vehical is essential. somehow the conversation rolls around to car theft. i tell her i often forget my keys in the ignition when i park at the food market. but that i've been lucky thus far and besides who would want to steal an old van like that anyway. she says she would right now. she's awake now, i can tell. i tell her i'm running into the house for a moment to look up deisel engine on the net. i make a point of taking my car keys with me.
i couldn't find anything on the net aside from the possibilty that it might be a fuel injection problem. we try the cables again. still nothing but huge smoke. i haven't got a clue why it won't start. i even check the air in the tires but they all look fine. after a half hour of trying with no luck and a huge cloud of smoke, she proposes that maybe she's out of fuel. i tend to agree with her and that it might be worth a try because it sure as h*ll won't run on smoke. i tell her i'll take her to the gas station. we head towards chevron and she asks where i'm going and tells me we have to go to petro canada because they sell deisel and chevron doesn't. this i didn't know because i have never owned a stink up the air economy vehical before. we turn around and go to petro. we pull up to the pump and she jumps out with the little can for the economy minded. when she approaches my window i ask her to check the oil and wash the windows as well. as she's filling the can she looks to me and says, i wonder if i can get five bucks in this. the nozzel isn't even in the opening and deisel is spilling out onto the ground. i tell her that at the rate she's going she can get twenty bucks in there. she finishes up and goes in to pay for the deisel. i phone my boss and ask him if he knows anything about deisel engines. he doesn't. we talk a bit about how much deisel fuel stinks.
when she returns i tell her we'll put half the deisel in the tank and if it still doesn't work then we'll pour the other half over the interior and light it up. she offers to buy me lunch and i take her up on it, hoping to h*ll her car starts when we get back. i pull into the burger king drive through. a young woman's voice crackles through the intercom. welcome to burger king. how may i help you? do you know anything about deisel engines, i ask. pardon me, she says. i repeat the question. she answers no and i believe her. in that case then, i'll have a whopper meal with a coke. i look at my neighbour. she wants a whopper meal as well. i relay her order. then she says she wants a large diet coke with it. i relay the upgrade to the order. then she says she wants poutine instead of fries. i turn to relay that upgrade as well, but slowly as i realize my french is a little rusty. the girl doesn't respond and so i explain that poutine is french for, poutine. she laughs that kind of nervous laugh you might expect from someone who is not quite sure how to respond to humor.
my neighbour finally works up the courage to tell me she thinks i'm funny and witty and that she enjoys seeing that side of me as i usually appear serious and deep. i'm thinking, "welcome to billville" i tell her i am generally like this that it is my way of coping against the madness. we head back to the deisel demon and park to eat our burgers. we talk about nichole and how she is doing. i show her the ring i bought for nichole. the stones that are set in it are garnet which is the birthstone we both share. it represents faith, trust and friendship. my neighbour is a fan of country music and so was unfamiliar with the song, 'count on me' by default. we listened to it as it played. again, the words, 'i'll carry you until you carry on'. i know that i am in a life long committment to be there for nichole. whether or not i find comfort and love within her arms is irrelevant in the larger scheme of things. as my neighbour pointed out, working closely herself with women such as nichole, there are seldom times where a woman will be fortunate enough to have a true friend who will stick beside them through thick and thin, where drugs are involved. she made the point of stressing to me that i may very well be helping to save a young womans life. this i feel to be true. no matter that nichole and i might be together as a couple, i know that i will always be the one she can turn too should she fall. it will be me who picks her up once more and bring her safely back into recovery. my neighbour told me she thought i'd make a good husband. my response was to say that i'd more likely die a lonely man.
well, dang it all anyhow, didn't we finally get that deisel demon fired up and the sun came back out.
i was about to once again head out to work when the phone rang. it was my dad. i haven't talked to him in a bit. he turns 77 this august and i haven't seen him in ten years. the reason for this is that i have unexpired warrants for my arrest back east in the town where he lives. i tried to have those warrants brought out west here once. you can do that on the condition that you agree to plead guilty to the charges. they would not transfer them. they wouldn't do it because i have a history there and this is their way of keeping me out of their town. there is always the risk of ending up in jail if i return.
my dad and i have a very close relationship despite the distance. we do not hesitate to voice our love for each other. i got an email last week which was sent out to all his children informing them that he was put on oxygen and that he is breathing easier. years ago while in his twenties he had breathed in some asbestos while tearing out some pipes in a building. it caught up to him about four or five years ago when he was diagnosed as having only about 55% lung breathing capacity. just recently this has reached a level of only 41%. this is the level at which the goverment pays for full assistance. i remembered saying to my dad, "well this should make things easier for you then from now on". this is when he said that this will only help for so long. his doctors told him that this will only continue to get worse. it will never get better.
what do you say when you're on the phone with thousands of miles and a decade between you when your dad is acknowledging his death coming on? i said the only thing i could and that was that at least it is good that he has time to come to terms with it. he agreed. the end is near, what can you do about it? nothing. i am glad he has the opportunity to do this. i feel my dad is at peace with his life.
my dad abused me terribly as a child and then destroyed me when i was 16 and my mother was killed in a car accident. we love each other today and i know that he is proud of who i've become. i've been too prison, i've beaten people, i've stole, i've been disrespectful, i've been an alcoholic and i've been a cocaine, crack and speed addict. but the one thing i have never been is abusive to my sons and i owe it to him. this man helped shape who i am today and now he is dying. i have no choice but to go see him and say my good byes.
he asked me how my grandson was doing. i didn't like having to tell him that my son and i haven't spoken since xmas. he asked why? i simply told him billy has an attitude which i just don't care to deal with. i won't tell my dad that my son is a drug addict, although my dad knows anyway. this is something my son rather likes to hide from his relatives. in his own words he is a "non addict'.
between the news from my dad today and this ongoing situation with my son i fell into depression today. i have felt so lonely all day and only dream that there could be someone here to hold me in their arms and tell me that things will be o.k.
so, with that said, i want to address this comment, particularly to steven. i know, steven, that it's a tough f*cking battle to win the war. but as i said before, and you know it, it's a f*cking mind game. i would never put you or anyone else down for not being able to yet find the missing link, but i'll tell you, it's f*cking easier than you know, to say no to the drug once you decide you've had enough.
i can think of a ton of reasons for wanting to use the drug tonite and only one reason for not using.
so there, that was my day. a day in the life of an addict in recovery. i'm just trying to make the right choice here and drugs ain't one of them.
i missed nicholes call last night. she called tonite and we had a good talk. it always ins't so easy as she lives in a house that is full of constant interuption. usually always pressed for time as well as she is only allowed ten minutes. tonight was different. it was peaceful and we actually got to talk for a longer period of time. we talked about billy and my dad. i know nichole is hurting because she can not be here for me at this time. she's been great like that actually, always being concerned about my relationship with my sons. she knows i'm hurting and she can understand the urgency i now feel about my dad. i told her of the situation and the risk i take if i take my two sons with me, which i will do. nichole thinks that waiting another year might be to late and i have to agree. i think i may need to do this by this summers end.
my dad knows all about nichole. he knows of my own struggle with the drug and what it had done to me. how it ripped my life from me. but he also knows what it has done to that side of me that cares. my dad understands why i feel obligated to nichole. he understands the meaning of helping out a twenty three year old person. just as he is proud of me for sparing my boys what i went through growing up, he is also prousd of me for sparing this young woman the years of pain i have suffered. i told nichole i'd like her to make the trip with me. she said she sensed it was her that i'd want to go along. i want her to meet my dad. i want her to see the look in my dads eyes. it won't be alook she hasn't seen before. also. i need her support on what will probably be the last time i see my dad.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
well, i got a phone call tonight from my son, billy. we probably spoke for a half hour. basically, he is right about everything and i don't know what i'm talking about. he wanted $1000.00 from me and if i didn't give it to him he threatened to take the insurance off my van (technical thing). i told him i don't have that kind of money right now and that he can take the van if he needs to.
the end result of the conversation was that, i needn't bother giving him the thousand dollars, that i can keep my van and that he wants nothing more to do with me. the fact that he does not feel i should have anything to do with my grandson lies on my shoulders.
who said cleaning up was a bed of roses anyway?
flaggin
p.s.
actually it was i who ended the conversation. i mentioned to him that nichole was doing really well. 'oh ya, nichole. i'd totally forgotten about her', he said. then he started saying something about her, which led to, 'you know the more i think about her the madder i'm getting about it all over again'. at that point i just said, 'well maybe we should just end the call here', and hung up.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i woke up this morning and i am feeling in a deep state of depression. i know these next few days are not going to be easy on me.
it's still snowing here in vancouver but i'm going to try and make it into work. the worst part is these d*mn hills on the north shore mountains where i am working. i don't know what i have to look forward to today. i'm just in a daze.
what i did decide to do however was come back into the house before setting out and print off a photo of nichole and i, which i can keep on the dash of my van. a little something to help keep me focused on what i am doing, where i am heading, why i am making the decisions i do.
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
well i got to work yesterday. a liitle slippy on the mountain but i finally got myself parked without incident. i felt like i wanted to just stay up there and not even come back home. i was depressed to the point where i was feeling sick all day. it's that kind of sickness that an addict feels when things start to become so overwhelming that you think you want to escape to that place of comfort.
i know that i was so on the verge of believing that my kid was right about me and that i am f*cked up and incapable of showing any rational when it comes to having any family vakues. that i was putting my self interests before that of my kids or my grandchild. that i was going to allow something as simple as money to come between me and my relationship with my own blood.
well, for some time now i have been hesitant to really talk about my son. i did not want to say what kind of a person he really is. i didn't want anyone to know that i was anything less than proud of him. but the reality is that he is a drug addict and has caused his family a great deal of grief over the years and continues to do so now.
billy has a tendancy to make great speeches about how strong his devotion is to family, about his moral obligations and duties to family. the truth is, billy was raised in a family that neglected him. a family that didn't teach him any values or sense of unity, or belonging. when his mother remarried, billy became the third child; his two sisters being the legit members of the family. billy was not this mans son and would never really be accepted as a true member of the family. he was neglected by the man and subsequently by the mother as well.
at the age of sixteen billy left an abusive household and went looking for his real father. that is where our relationship began. when billy moved in with me and my then wife, he was also moving into another household where two other children, (his brothers) were the primary focus. as much as we tried to make billy feel welcome and cared for it was obvious that he was already delinquent and uncontrollable. he had no regard for any rules or respect for persons or property. he was basically unhappy and was h*ll bent on doing things his way. eventually, with regrets, i had to send him back to his mother. his behaviour was too disruptive to our household.
where billy went from there i am not sure but i do know it was his grandmother, (mothers, mom) who took him under her wing and into her home. this is where billy's real sense of values took form. in an attempt to give billy something better, his grandmother pampered him and doled out the money in an attempt to help him make a success of himself. it was out of this household that billy spent tens of thousands of dollars of his grandmothers hard earned savings and investments. billy became a cocaine addict at an early age and would begin living a life of failed business ventures, one after another; drugs being the primary reason. a lot of resentment was directed toward billy then by family members as he had essentially wasted away, what could have been their inheritance.
the grandmother resides today in a nursing home and continues to dole what money she can to billy. billy still takes the money. he has never attempted to pay any of the money back. his grandmother enabled billy to such a degree that i don't think he ever really understood the real meaning of having to stand on ones own two feet. time and time again, to this very day, when billy runs into some financial hardship, he expects for family to live up to their moral obligations and produce money on demand, despite whatever financial hardships they themself may be facing.
today, i am just one more victim of his, 'poor me' tactics and because i am refusing to bend to his pressures and threats, i am no longer of any value to him. he will make his own son suffer because of his own twisted sense of what being there for family truly means.
of course, billy went running to his mother, when i had openly challenged him to discuss the matter here on site. she had advised him not to. in my opinion she is only sheltering him further by causing him to not face up to his addiction and the consequences of his addiction. in a letter to her i wrote:
"you were right to tell billy to not discuss the situation between us on the site where both his and my relationship with drugs is openly documented. it is difficult enough being an addict, let alone stand up and be an addict in denial, in the company of addicts in recovery. perhaps he does not need to make that kind of admission to stay clean. they say that quitting drugs alone, does not make for recovery. however, billy has always maintained that he is unlike the rest of us addicts."
i don't know where it stands between her and i now. whereas we had always maintained a special friendship over the years, she has now taken a side on the matter. from what i understand of the conversation with billy is that he has strung together a story of certain events that portray me as being a selfish and uncaring person who would put his family out on the street.
we will start with the old saying, that, "every action has a reaction"
i have not discussed this situation with anyone other than nichole, but that fact is irrelavent as you had stated that you'd totally forgotten about nichole anyway.
so lets start with a clean slate. you have told your mom something which i can either sit back and not dispute or give her my side of the story. also, i have people such as helen and my dad asking what is going on. i tell them to this point that i'd rather not talk about it.
i suspect that you have been doing more talking about it than i have and so now i have to sit here and think about how i am going to defend myself.
well the answer is simple. i will simply give my side of the story as i see it. the thing you have to remember bill is that words add up to nothing. actions speak louder than words.
the fact that you would disown me over something as trivial as money says a lot about who you are as a person. the fact that you would threaten me unless i paid you some money also says a lot about who you are as a person. the fact that you would use my treatment towards my brother, to set an example as to what kind of a person i am, shows that you are ignorant as to what i have went through in my life in dealing with him.
so i am letting you know that i will take on this challenge that you are presenting me with. as you had clearly indicated in your last email:
Quote:
"you want to be honest and put all on the table well there it is!!!"
well billy, the truth is, there it isn't, because you do not put it out on the table as it should be.
you did not discuss this on the site because you knew what to expect. so instead you run the ideal across as many people as you could first, looking for some reinforcement as to why you shouldn't. and you found that reinforcement in your mother.
your mother already feels guilt for neglecting you in favor of your sisters and you know this. you also know that your mother loves her grandchild, just as i do, and is willing to put your behavior aside in order to maintain a relationship with her grandson. think about it bill, why would she risk putting herself into the position that i am in now. she only asks you to feel guilty for all you have done. i know how guilt steers one towards bad decisions,. i'm not looking for you to feel guilt. i'm looking for you to be independant.
i've written your mother one letter already. i've apologized to her for having to take a side. i haven't really said anything to her yet.
i am writing about my feelings on the matter on the site. i need to do this to be reinforced on the belief that i am doing the right thing. this should be no threat to you, as you feel you are in the right and i am not.
one thing i am curious about is, if you had turned to your mother and told her that you were letting your friend come into your house after his buddies brains were blown out beside him as a result of drugs, do you think she would have responded as i did, that you shouldn't be doing that with your wife and child in the house.
i know that is a hard question for you to answer because realistically, your friend depended on you to tell no one that he was coming over. your loyalty to your friend was more important than your loyalty to your wife and child.
you say you are an honest person billy, you have integrity, and you have values. you say you hide nothing from no one. i'll be interested in hearing from your mother how she felt about the incident. don't worry, i'll spare you from having to divulge the confidence of your friend. i'll tell her for you.
your dad.
Quote:
imagine walking through the door with something other than secret sauce on your mind. there's tension and you can cut it with a knife. then you hear it, the steady pop!, pop!, pop! of a semi-automatic letting loose outside.instinct signals the green light telling you to get out of there. you make your way to your truck, keeping your head down. you notice to your left some dude is knealt down on another guy, a gun pointed at his head. the pop!, pop!, pop! continues and other weapons now join in. the air is full of bullets and noise of breaking glass and bullets eating into metal, gun smoke, people screaming and yelling. you jump into your truck which you left running and just hit the gears and floor it. you see the vehical coming up from behind along the passenger side. you hear the bullets eating up the side of your truck, a window shatters and you duck your head below the dash as you continue driving blindly. more windows shatter and then silence; only the sound of the assailants vehical, squealing a sharp turn and fading away, all this replaced by the sound of your own roaring engine and horns of oncoming vehicals. you sit up straighten the wheel back into your own lane and just drive. you ask your buddy if he's ok but he doesn't say anything and then you look closer and you can see the inside of his head dripping out and down across his chest. now you have to think fast, what do you do next. stopping at an intersection you look again at your buddie and a car pulls up beside, everyone looks and realizes the person is dead. you just look over at them and yell, "get the f*ck out of here now!" and the car accelerates across a red light. you drive again towards the hospital, suddenly the engine dies because a bullet has peirced the block. you manage to get it started and hope it makes it to the hospital. it does and as you apply the break the engine dies again. you grab a few items, say bye to your buddy and run. days of heavy drinking trying to wash the memoriy away. cut your hair , change your appearance, make nessacary contacts. your lawyer is doing the talking for you. you could turn yourself in. lawyer says, they are going to get you sooner or later, so it's your call. if you want to hang with your buds til they get you, do that.
this is a first person account, as near to word that i remember, spoken to me by billy' best friend. i, in no way pass judgement on this man. by my own reasoning he is no worse, no better than i. were he my best friend i would not have given him sanctuary in my home where my wife and child were. this was three days after the shooting. this was during a war in which several innocent victims were murdered. six innocent bystanders. this is where my sons standards and mine, differ. this is where i find hardship in trying to understand why my son is cutting me out of his and my grandsons life over a matter of money.
i remember still, when i used to wonder if i'd live to see the birth of ny first grandchild. i remember how i used to call every other day and ask if i could go over and see my grandchild. i remember catching all those wonderous first moments of the little guys discoveries. i remember how his face would light up every time i came to the door to visit him. i remember how he'd laugh so hard because of something i would do and how he'd mimic me. i remember what it felt like to be a grandfather for the first time.
billy was thinking of moving and renting a whole house w/rental suite. i proposed the idea that we could rent such a thing together. this way, we could help each other out during tough times and i could be available most always for baby sitting. he told me that this probably wouldn't be a good ideal. blah, blah, blah...besides, he's already considered renting a place with his best friend (who was short a friend).
i don't think my son is done doing drugs. for this reason i don't care to give into what he feels is right. he is an image seeker. i can't stop that. but i am beginning to think that it is time to share some information with my younger sons mom..
billy has been adamant about hiding his drug addiction from family. i think that's o.k. in a sense, but what strikes me more is that the people that get wasted with bullets, seldom know the bullet hit. i'm not sure i want any of my kids catching a bullet. especially the innocent ones.
i know today that sobriety comes through accountability. sobriety doesn't come with saying i don't use. i'm giving billy the best opportunity to deal with a years long problem. i am in recovery and i have dealt with the bullsh*t of addiction far too long on this site to be called by him.
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
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