i've been pondering that question ever since it's been asked of me. today, i feel that i have discovered what happiness truly means to me. happiness means knowing that i can be there for someone who needs a helping hand. it's knowing that someone, who has nowhere to turn will place their trust in me and allow me to guide them to a place i feel is safer for them. it's knowing that they value me as a true friend. today, happiness for me is hearing my friend, nichole, a heroin addict of seven years, tell me she has joined the methadone program. firstly, for herself, secondly for me. i just love it when i come in second place with the girls.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
My name is Nichole and I have found my way to this site with the help of my friend Bill.
I have been cross addicted to heroin and crack cocaine for eight years.
Bill and I have been friends for just over two years and he has been relating some of the details of my recent steps towards recovery, in a blog entitled, 'Guarding The Angel'
I am looking forward to connecting with some of you who I already feel I know a bit because of the relationships you have with Bill.
I'm looking forward to participating with everyone here as I believe this will help keep me focused on my efforts to achieve sobriety.
Anybody who has read Bill's blog will know that this past week or so has been somewhat the h*ll ride for us both, particularly for Bill, who has been very kind to me through the recent illnesses and injuries I have dealt with. Yesterday, things have taken a new turn, for the better as I have taken the step of signing up for the methadone program.
I believe this will make it easier on both of us as this now provides us with a more structured plan by which to work from.
Welcome Nicky! You have come to a good place for information and support. Best of luck on your road to recovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Bill.
i feel that i have discovered what happiness truly means to me. happiness means knowing that i can be there for someone who needs a helping hand. it's knowing that someone, who has nowhere to turn will place their trust in me
Bill,
Isn't this what you have been doing all along with so many of us here on the site. Your tender support and understanding, with a dose of what we need to know presented gently and with kindness has been invaluable to so many...and no doubt has so much to do with why you are so loved by so many here.
I'm glad you have discovered what happiness means to you. You have brought a lot of joy to my life...and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Most often, the real happiness is not coming from something new, rather it is coming from something that you already have, but you see it differently or apply it differently to your life.
Something you already have, Bill. Your heart and compassion is something you have been giving all along, despite your thoughts at one time that you had walled it all up....for self protection...funny that now...happiness is letting the wall down and allowing your heart to do what it does best.
Nicky,I wish you all the best with your program and just wanted to say you are among friends here.You cont ask for a better friend than Bill to walk along side you in your journey,again good luck and welcome.
Hugs diane
My highest regards to you, Bill and your recovery. What you put your mind too you can accomplish. Believe in yourself and those who support you and you can and will do it.
Believe in yourself and those who support you and you can and will do it.
hey girl,
no one said it was going to be easy. you're going to fall, time and time again, until you get it right. ya just gotta know, it takes time, so hang in there.
remember how you and i, would drive around in my van all night, smoking crack together, how whenever i'd stop at a store and ask if you wanted a hot chocolate, you'd say yes, then ask if you could come in with me, and i'd let you, and that by the time we left, you'd have shoplifted items on you that added up to ten times the amount of what i paid for the hot chocolate, and how we could never eat all those ice creams you stole anyway, so they ended up melting on the floor, and i'd have to always clean it up the next morning along with the hot chocolate and marshmellows which always got spilled when i'd touch the brakes because you didn't have that extra hand to hang onto it; the other two, being busy smoking crack.
well these days, we still ride around in the van; you smoking the odd crack toke and me, not at all. now when we stop for the hot chocolate, all we get is the hot chocolate because you've learned to respect that i don't like it that you shoplift when i have the money to pay. i don't have to clean up ice cream any more and you enjoy going to the grocery store and buying what you want; not stealing what you don't need. it just takes time, i figure, and i've got time to spare for you.
i miss you tonite. i know you're out there somewhere getting high and you can't call me to pick you up, because i have no way of answering my cell phone, because i'd left it with you at the house to be sure you could phone and arrange a ride to the treatment center. you said you wouldn't take it with you. i thought you were ready for the responsibility, but you weren't. well, these things take time.
i can't call anyone either; not even your dealer, so that i can replace the quarter down, that i'd stashed, to make sure that you'd have something, when you really needed it; when i might not have had the cash to pay.
you can't buy trust. you earn that. takes time to build it; no time to destroy it. but i can understand; still have time to spare for a friend. i believe in you, nichole and i know that, no matter how bad you might feel that you know i will still love you all the same. but you will be accountable.
ps. i'm begging you to please come home, i can't find a freakin thing in this house since you moved in and re-arranged everything and why can't i use the dish cloth to clean the floor?
Count On Me
I know that life ain't always good to you.
I've seen exactly what it's put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down
It may be tough you've to get back up
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause' I will carry you till you
carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart
Well you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me
To hold you till that feeling is gone
I wonder why nobody's waiting on you
I'd like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times
I'd love to be the light that finds you
I see a silver lining on your cloud
I'll pick you up whenever you fall down
Just take my hand and I will help you stand
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause' I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is
Gone so you can live today
Seems so long to yesterday
Keep on counting on me to carry you till you carry on
Carry on
You know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart
You can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Watching her smile, down from her high
Warms me gently deep inside
I've never stopped to question why
I stand so firmly by her side.
a year ago, i would not have understood what it would require, to stand solidly beside an addict, who was incapable of understanding the extent of pain, they can cause onto those, who love them. i had the entire day to prepare myself for what would unfold between, nichole and i, were she here when i got home. i knew that, nichole, would be equally prepared. when i walked through the door, i said, 'hello' to her, and she emmediately began to explain to me the events of yesterday, which caused her to take my cell phone from the house and not return home with it until today. i cut her short and told her that i'd known all day what my response was going to be.
she wasn't expecting a hug, but when she saw it was offered, she was eager to accept it. i don't know if she understands yet what it means to be treated with kindness. i know she's been punished by men often times. i know how she's been used, how that, has led her to use others and how all of it leads her to use the drugs.. there can't be much satisfaction to being loved if love for the right reasons has seldom been offered. she can manipulate. i seen her do it to me and to others. she controls the way she is loved through association with drugs and when love is offered to her with no strings attached, she doesn't know how to respond to it and pushes it away from her.
it's not my place tonight to try and tell her what is right and what is wrong. i tell her only to be honest with herself, first. there have been many times this past month where she becomes too overwhelmed by our conversations and chooses to walk away and avoid the obvious, which is her fear of the truth. i used to let her walk away, quite often, and leave her with her reality, but i'm tired of watching my friend walk away all the time to find solice in drugs. i have allowed her to create her own summation of facts for a long, long time. i allowed this because of my image of her as, my sweet little nichole, the child, i took into my home and my trust. it's not just now, that i'm realizing she is a grown woman and therefore veiwed differently through my eyes. she grew up in front of me last winter, when she first injected in front of me and the two of us went on our crack smoking spree.
the little girl, i'd come to love was lost forever. i never saw her again. replaced by a young woman, whom i still looked after, still slept with and followed deeply into the real depths of the drug culture. that part of our relationship came and went quickly. i was her driver, as she sold drugs and it was only the third night when she was arrested as we were parked at a store. to jail, and i felt guilty in a way, because i'd sensed for days that we were being surveilled. but it didn't matter anyway. she was in control and knew what she was doing. if they hadn't arrested her that night, i would not have driven for her again anyway. she was out of control. heroin, crack, more of each. nodding off in the middle of a sale. spilling down and rock almost continuously. even the most seasoned clients would look at her in disbelieve. she was hardcore and she was over the top and couldn't climb back down. two nights later, the raid at the den, a gun pointed at my head, the end was in site for me. i went into my months long seclusion, cutting off all contact from that part of my life. i quit the cocaine and crack that i loved so much that i'd almost died for it.
it must've been five months or better since i saw her next. 'bill, is that you?' she looked happy to see me and i, her. she looked good. out for only a few days from jail and not yet sucked back into the void. the next time i saw her she was high. still, when i'd give her and her pals a lift here or there, she was strict and made sure that it was understood, no smoking in the van. 'bill doesn't smoke crack anymore, so respect his space,' she would tell them. i knew she was proud of me and happy that i'd beat it. we all knew crack was the killer. she never stopped though and as a matter of convenience, i allow her to smoke in front of me. i pick up rock in her room and set it down again. i can no longer understand what some people possibly get out of crack, to let it rule them as it does.
she is ready now and that is why she is in my house. i believe she has started the methadone. she is still out of control in my mind and i can only imagine the great battles that are being waged within her as she attempts to make this transition. she does not always want to hear what i have to say, but i see her fight a little less each day, as she knows she is living a lie. she crys and struggles next to me on the bed. i tell her it's ok to want to be held, and i know that she wants so badly, yet is not sure of the consequences. she drifts into sleep feeling more secure in knowing it's ok to ask and it doesn't cost her anything. i don't know what i'll do when the withdrawal begins to set in. i'll just try and hold her. i had my phone deactivated this morning. for some d*mned reason i might not be able to get it reactivated for at least another seven days.
i told her again tonight, that i believe in her. she emediately snapped back that she believes in herself and that's all she needs. i really do admire her independance but will remain close by, none the less, for those moments, when no one else will understand. the addict within her is now at war and it will do what it can to keep me and my words away from her. it will attempt to hurt me and discourage me by pitting the one i most love, against me.
i have only one tool at my disposal and that is love. it's not the same love that so many of us are accustomed to that give us joy in our life. it's a dressed down version. stripped clean of flowers, candies, song and poem, every red heart and rose or message of hope or goodwill. it's a raw form of love, the most basic and purest that can be had. i think it's this kind of love, with nothing attached to it to distract away from the task at hand. watching my addict friend fight within herself and against me as well is very disheartening. her cries and her pains bring tears to my own eyes. there is nothing to celibrate here at this time, nothing pleasant to look forward to through the night. how many more times will my hopes be dashed; i don't even hope anymore, i just wait and stand by her until it's done. it drains me physically and emotionally. it's weakened me and so i come travelling light. raw love, exempt of the trimmings.
we are lucky. our friend next door happens to be working downtown with the drug addicted. she herself had beaten a crack addiction and a life on the streets and now serves to help those who are still lost. she come over tonight and asked how i was holding up. she said i looked tired. i said i was, that i'd been using the speed to keep it all together. i told her that i couldn't understand how i was being capable of concentrating all this effort and attention toward, nichole, while actively using as i do. she told me that it's all from here, and pointed to her heart. i believe her.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
this is not going to be a good day for either of us. i've had hardly any sleep these past few days. last night i did not sleep at all. i need to go to work today, but i'm not sure now if this can happen. you are now beginning to go into withdrawal. i'm not sure if i can leave you by yourself. i don't know what you are capable of. i must have attended to you about twenty times last night. each time i spend less time with you as you seem to be coming more aggressive and angry toward me.
i don't know what you have done this week but i do know that you have not yet started the methadone. today was supposed to be the third day of the program. you could of possibly been leveled out by today, no cravings to deal with. but now the cravings are here. you have asked me to get you some down, a couple of times already. i say i can't. the last six times you have called me to the bedroom you ask me for ten dollars. each time i say i do not have it. the next time you call me, i'll go to you and you will ask me if i got ten dollars. i still won't have it. your screams are getting louder and louder. i am wondering what the neighbours will think. i guess i will go up and tell them the truth, that you have gone into labor. i don't know what to expect.
i do need to get you to a hospital today, but now i'm not sure if i can trust to take you anyway. i bet you can think of a hundred places you'd rather be than here in this place with me. i can think of as many places too, but none of them are going to help you get any closer to quitting the heroin. i hope that this will be the worst day. you've been cold turkey many times when gone to jail. how did you deal with it there? talk to me. when the craving hits, will it help if i rattle a tin cup against some bars. it might work for me, cause i'm getting a little nervous now and would probably feel safer if i were in jail. maybe i should duct tape you to the bed. you have to promise to sign on the dotted line first, o.k.
nichole, be strong. i told you last night that this has to stop, there can't be no more postponing. this household hasn't moved from where it' was a week ago. it is no longer functioning. all time and effort has been focused around you. this is where it ends. i've told you that next week you should just stay at home. you don't need to visit any friends. the only people you know, use drugs or will give it to you. i f they are your friends then they don't even want to see you for at least a month. they want to give you the best chance they can. do i know that to be true. yes, look at me. i am one of your closest friends with nothing but best intentions for you, and i've been buying you heroin for a week. well it stops today.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Last edited by flaggin on Oct 13, 2007 - 07:24 PM; edited 1 time in total
i have only one tool at my disposal and that is love. it's not the same love that so many of us are accustomed to that give us joy in our life. it's a dressed down version. stripped clean of flowers, candies, song and poem, every red heart and rose or message of hope or goodwill. it's a raw form of love, the most basic and purest that can be had. i think it's this kind of love, with nothing attached to it to distract away from the task at hand. watching my addict friend fight within herself and against me as well is very disheartening. her cries and her pains bring tears to my own eyes. there is nothing to celibrate here at this time, nothing pleasant to look forward to through the night. how many more times will my hopes be dashed; i don't even hope anymore, i just wait and stand by her until it's done. it drains me physically and emotionally. it's weakened me and so i come travelling light. raw love, exempt of the trimmings.
and that, is the only thing that we as human truly have to give another -- love, from the core of our own hearts and souls.
hang in there. it will get better. it may not feel that way right away, but it will get better. i'm sure you know this, from the other side of the coin so to speak; but it will work itself out.
sounds like you could do with a hug as well.
peace, love and strength to you and your friend. the journey has just begun.
Whoa! Bill! I'm blown away by the testimony you have laid out here. Your gifts of words and heart poignantly portray the anguish, compassion, and determination not to give up on your addicted loved one. You are truely experiencing how the other half lives, and I hope I am not deceiving myself as I read in your words a little more forward progress on your own road to recovery, as you process all the recent events in your life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Nichole, my friend. Thank you for sharing your story.
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