I was told in order to get clean I had to grieve the loss of my drugs, that I had to say goodbye to them. Here is the letter I wrote:
To My Best Friend Dope;
I am writing to say how much I miss you and how insane that makes me. On one hand when I was hurting you took my pain sweet heroin and wrapped your arms around me, kept me warm, numb, dreaming beautiful dreams.... then you stabbed me in the back, you hurt me more than any other lover. You abandoned me and left me cold, crying, aching writhing in pain. I was stealing from my own family to feed YOU!! You were a LIAR a TRICK you sucked me dry and you made my pain increase tenfold. You stole my soul and turned me into a thief... NO I turned myself into a thief for YOU and a liar a horrible mother a terrible sister daughter niece and friend. So as I leave you behind I may be sad but today I am free of you - Go to he|l you fricken p@#rick.
Ah.... but don't let me forget our partner in crime CRACK COCAINE oh you slut... you lured my mind and body my every emotion. I willingly gave myself to you. I sucked you off night and day waiting and chasing that covetted ringer and what I discovered was that you too stole my soul and I became a thief and a liar for you. Oh I had ringers alright because I surounded myself with DING DONGS, other stolen lost souls trying desperately not to feel- But NEVER ever were enough. You always left me wanting, needing more, more MORE!!!!. I was a coward because I chose you over my feelings over my family over my very own child. I HATE YOU you f@#cking liar. You promised me heaven and delivered me to he|l. So @$#@ off %$@# you I am free today so too bad for you. Yes I will grieve the loss of your lies. Not today though. Recovery opened my eyes.
I had to change the title of this thread if I am going to continue with what I want to do. My thought was to share with all of you the same thing that I was taught and what Nichole (WhoIsNickyNow?) is currently being taught. This is what the A&D counsellor challenged my brain with made me cry buckets with and pissed me off beyond belief with and to him I am eternally grateful for being clean today.
Oh yeah... if any of this rubs you the wrong way or you think is horse dung... well take it up with my counsellor. I personally don't care.
Lesson One:
INDICATORS OF UNRESOLVED GRIEF.... OR BROKEN SPIRITS
1. The person cannot speak of the deceased, the incident or loss without experiencing intence and fresh grief.
2. Some relatively minor event triggers an intense grief reaction.
3. Themes of loss come up in conversation.
4. The person who has sustained the loss is unwilling to move on.
5. The person who has sustained the loss develops the symtoms like those of the deceased experienced before the death.
6. Making radical changes in their lifestyle and exclude activities associated with the dseceased or lost partner or friendship.
7. Long history of depresson, persistant guilt and low self-esteem (projecting your guilt).
8. The person has a compulsion to imitate the dead person or lost child or partner who has left them.
10. Unaccountable sadness occurring at certain times of year. Grieving your clean date your drugs, a break up of a relationship, anniverseries, deaths, holidays, etc...
11. Phobias about illness and death
12. Using and disturbing dreams, a manifestation in subcontious dreams.
13.Repressed memories and feelings, dissociative state.
14. Questions spirituality.
15. Personality disorder
T - To accept the reality of the loss
E - Experiencing the pain of the loss
A - Adjusting to the new environment without the loss/person/object
R - Re-invest in the new reality
T.E.A.R. begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been affected and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It is at this point that the real grieving begins.
THE CRITICAL MOMENT
I hate to see others suffer
I see that as a weakness in me
because it probably indicates that
I'm afraid their pain will recall
all the pain that was in me.
So I have been guilty of trying to
take everyones tears, to stop their
crying and heal their wounds
prematurely.
I wonder how many butterflies I've
killed by tearing off their cocoons
too soon and denying them the struggle
that makes their wings strong enough
to fly.
I think I like to punish myself. after posting this last night I felt okay. Little did I realize what unresolved grief I stirred up in myself. I woke up this morning with tears rolling down my face. I was angry. I was resentful that I had to get up to drive one of the girls to our sister recovery house 20 kilometers away our farm. I was aggrivated that I was being woken up at 7:30am to drive someone when I had worked at my other job until 11pm didn't get to sleep until 2am and I woke up crying thinking about this stupid crap I had written and hating my counsellor all over again.
All I could think about was # 10 unaccountable sadness at certain times of year and # 11 phobias about illness and death and number 5 the person who has sustained the loss develops symptoms like the deceased.
That was me in a nutshell this morning. After I picked up my friend to take her to work at the farm Jeezz forbid we are prepping to open yet another house to help more addicts.... I made sure to let her know I am not a taxi service a personal driver or just because I now have a truck I am not a bloody moving company and her boyfriend can find a way to move his own damb furniture. I was in hyper beeeaahhhch mode.. Viv sat me down and knowing me like she does said what the heck is going on start talking. I started telling her about this site and how I was reviewing my old homework and that I was having a meltdown. As luck would have it Viv was working for my counsellor today and he called at that moment. Viv told him I was melting down and put me on the phone. I told him I hated him and everything was all his fault. He was confused as ever and told me to meet him at the farm.
On the way there I realized that today was the 9th. The tears rolled down my cheeks as I remembered that I had forgotten that the 7th of this month marked the 8 year anniversary of my mother's death. The anniversary of the beginning of my heroin addiction the anniversary of my crack addiction the anniversary of my decent into the depths of crime and he|l and when my daughter lost her mother too.
I cannot change the past I am clean today.
Fear rears its ugly head and my tears are still falling as I now recall these memories to my A&D counsellor. My mother died of mouth cancer. In my last relapse while smoking crack I developed a very bad canker sore on my tongue. That was normal in my addiction. Fast forward..... five months ago this canker sore reappeared in the same spot. I did everything I knew to get rid of it lots of water, Amosan, other canker sore medication... nothing worked. I put off going to the doctors because I did not want to make a big deal out of it. Three months went by. Never had this much time passed that I could not get rid of a stupid canker sore. I broke down and went to see the doctor. He told me it was a lesion and was booking an appointment to see an ENT to have it removed ASAP and do a biopsy. The soonest appointment available was end of February. It made me nervous went through my fear then and left it alone after talking with my support group. In December I went to the dentist to have some dental work done and a good cleaning and showed him my tongue. He told me that I should not wait until February that he would refer me to an oral surgen and call some friends at the BC Cancer Society to see if he could get me in there. More fear. Merry Christmas.
Mom died on the 7th. I went to the doctors on the 8th (Tues) he tells me he didn't realize the appointment was so far away and they have now put me on an urgent list to go in for the biopsy in the next 7 days. FEAR!! Today I wake up and I have a meltdown. # 5 Mom died of mouth cancer. Is that my fate too? Did I get clean just to die? What's the point? Am I just nuts? Depressed? A genius for dragging out this old homework? Or should I just kill my counsellor, and if I am gonna die make sure my daughter does not watch me die like I watched my parents but sticks to our agreement and puts me down like a dog?
I am losing my mind.
I saw my counsellor. It helped. He doesn't think I should rehash this stuff online.
I'm tired now. More tomorrow. Goodnight.
You know, there are several "unresolved grief" issues that drive my addiction and I didn't even realize it until I read your list above...OMG, I'm 15 for 15 after rereading it.
_________________ ...what have we found ? Same old fears...
You know, there are several "unresolved grief" issues that drive my addiction and I didn't even realize it until I read your list above..
steven,
i am. and intend to remain clean, but ya, her post above hit me like a ton of bricks as well. suddenly made me realize there's a whole outhouse full of sh*t that i need to deal with.
tas,
that's a pretty provoking message you laid out there. opened up some wounds if that's what we'll call them and made me realize i've got a lot of work ahead of me still.
thanks for sharing,
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Today I wake up and I have a meltdown.
# 5 Mom died of mouth cancer. Is that my fate too?
Did I get clean just to die? What's the point?
Did you get clean just so you wouldn't die?
Regardless of how you'll die,
your death is certain....this you know.
Didn't you get clean because you wanted to?
Didn't you get clean to start living again....
wasn't that the point?
Well..actually, no.
So, maybe that's the problem.
You got help and cleaned up again out of guilt.
You didn't finish caring for your dad while he was dying,
nor were you there for him when he died,
because you were sitting in a stairwell smoking crack,
You barely made it to his funeral and the only reason,
you were even able to make it through his funeral,
was being on heroine you got from some 'good' friends of yours.
A promise to your father, on his dead body,
that stemmed from immense and utter guilt,
fueled by the heroine and crack high you were still riding.
excrackerjack wrote:
I am losing my mind.
Losing your mind....hardly.
Trying to talk yourself into saying f-ck it,
while struggling to shake it off....DEFINITELY!
_________________ Got G0D?....I can not dimiss, what I can not deny....Jesus Saves!
You are absolutely correct. I did clean up out of guilt and shame and total self hatred and disgust. I went to recovery kicking and screaming I took out my hurt and self loathing on anyone that came near me. My walls were three feet thick my mask was firmly in place and no one was going to get close to me NO ONE. I was a piece of shite. I wanted to be in jail. That's where I belonged. I did not deserve recovery.
Although I was there for most of my father's illness, I failed him in the end. Again I was a coward and ran to the dope. Yes I was in a stairwell when he died.
The drug induced guilt and shame that propelled me to make the promise on his dead body got me detox. BUT IT GOT ME THERE!!
The "good" friend that sent me the money so I could make to the funeral is still a dear good friend who is clean and has also beat her own heroin and cocaine and methadone addiction and dependancies like myself. Oh yeah did I mention I also kicked methadone after two years on the program?
Regardless. She IS a dear friend who does not judge me and knows how it hurts to be in withdrawl and even though she was clean would not let me miss my father's funeral and therefore helped a sister out. She is not in the "program". I was also helped by my ex husband who had 5 years clean and in the "program" until I got to detox. He does judge me though and has since relapsed himself but that's his shite.
Let see what else to address.... Oh yeah...
Quote:
excrackerjack wrote:
# 5 Mom died of mouth cancer. Is that my fate too?
Did I get clean just to die? What's the point?
The point is I am still an addict, I still get using thoughts and I still talk about my shite. I don't want to die and I certainly don't want my daughter to go through what I went through, regardless if I was there when my dad took his last breath or not (Mercedes was there) and I was there when my mother took her last breath, which by the way triggered this last little meltdown which I am allowed to have thank you very much.
The point is that in 5 days I am having a biopsy and I am scared. The point is I am still clean because I am using the tools that I learned in the recovery I went to fueled by my drug induced guilt ridden shame based resistant teachings that managed to get through to me because somewhere in there I stayed because I wanted to change.
It does not mean that I don't have rough days.
Or asking for permission or looking for excuses to use. When I want to get high. Trust me I let you all know when I exhale that ten foot hose pirex torch lit toke.
In the mean time. What I did not get the chance to finish telling you was that after seeing my counsellor, some silver linings became appearant to my gray cloud. As I am in the reflexology and healing arts business, the owners of the recovery house have offered me a chance to do a work program with the ladies. They are going to pay for 50% of a new Spa for me as long as I give the girls a place to work and teach them how to get back into the work force. Many of these ladies have plenty of skills and just need a place to get comfortable using them. A receptionist, someone booking appointments, there are many possibilities we are also thinking about opening more than one type of business. This year brings a lot to look forward to. With or without me. My life lays with the Guy Up Stairs (from here on in refferred to as G.U.S.). Thats who I trust my life to. I am a spiritual person not a religious one. G.U.S. has given me many gifts and recovery and living my life clean is the biggest one. This glitch I am facing at this crossroad if this is his will so be it. He has a plan for me and well I'd be lying if I said sometimes I didn't question that plan.
Cioa for Now
Love Ya
The person cannot speak of the deaceased without experiencing intense and fresh grief. Post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD, Breathlessness,increased heart rate, shortness of breath. You want to run or use. You experience nightmares.
The Grieving Cycle:
1) The Original incident:
the loss of child freedom, a parent a lover or relationship/frienship, childhood trauma, harm to self or child or loved one, death, abuse etc...
2) Denial
3) Anger
4) Sorrow
5) Bargaining
6) Acceptance
DENIAL / SHOCK
When reality is too painful to accept and we are not emotionally ready to deal with the feelings, then we deny the reality.
Common Feelings and Behaviours Associated with this stage:
Numbness
Sense of unreality
Initial panic
Fear
Disbelief
Confusion
Defensiveness
Sincere Delution
Lots of or loss of energy
ANGER
Painful response to the reality of the loss. We become angry when we can't control other people, places or things. Anger that is not expressed in healthy ways can become very destructive and turn into bitter resentment, abuse and or depression.
Feelings and Behaviours Associated with Anger:
Projection
Guilt
Fear
Aggression
Acting Out
Non-acceptance
Mood swings
Rage
Blaming
Malingering
SORROW & DESPAIR
Sorrow is expressed with tears and crying. It is the natural way to express the sorrow one feels after a loss. Crying is a healthy form of healing, cleansing and strength...NOT weakness.
When expressed inappropriately, we become entangled in self pity that leads to addiction / relapse or into depression and possibly despair.
This type of depression can lead to suicide or suicidal thoughts.
Feelings and Behaviours Associated with Sorrow and Despair:
Isolation
Fatigue
Self Pity
Pain
Hopelessness
Out of Control
BARGAINING
Process of wanting to change the outcome by making promises or deals with G0D, self or others.
Inappropriate bargaining can keep us from reality and the tendancy to shift blame externally. In healthy bargaining we get closer to G0D or find spirituality.
Feeling and Behaviours Associated with Bargaining:
Guilt
Repression
Should Statements
Shame
Compromise
Self Pity
Remorse
Religious or Spiritual Activity
ACCEPTANCE
The very object of the grieving process. Acknowledging that absolutely nothing lasts forever and it takes courage to accept it.
Feelings and Behaviours Associated with Acceptance:
Wellness
Surrendering
Forgivness
Joy and Pain
Congruence
Awareness
Humility
Connected
Willingness
WHAT DOES GRIEF WORK INVOLVE?
Acknowledging the reality of the loss
Feeling the feelings
Willingness to move on (CHANGE)
Accepting that no amount of bargaining or manipulation will restore the loss
Willingness to withdraw emotional investment in that which never was or has been lost and move on to a new form or meaning
Well that's it for tonight my next installment will be on SUCCESSFUL GRIEVING
then I'll be done with the grieving portion of my refresher or REHAB 101.
This CRACKERJACK REHAB consists of Grief and Loss, Inner Child, Distorted Thinking, Shame and Guilt and my favourite Co-Dependancy. I'm sure I'll have several more meltdowns.
You know, most women when they leave recovery, leave their books and notes behind. Me being the masochist that I am carry them in my purse.
Ciao 4 Now
Peace Out
Anastasia
Well it's still Wednesday here on the west coast so tomorrow Thursday I see my specialist about this damb biopsy. I'm not so scared right now. Right now. Anyhow I am feeling stable. My girlfriend's daughter is in labour right now and I await the call to let me know that another precious gift of life has come to enter our clan. I make sure to tell My friend "don't forget the positive programing, welcome him into the world let the first words he hears be 'welcome Landon you are loved and wanted, you are strong and wise, you treat yourself and others with love and respect and you will always treat ladies kindly'" . My girlfriend says of course I'm going to program him my son was your ninth delivery and look what a fine young man he's turning out to be.
I wish the phone would ring she has been stuck at 8cm for the last 2hrs.
I know I sound crazy, I guess I kinda am. I'm okay with my brain damage today though. Most people can't believe I'm off drugs because I can get so mental sometimes.
For instance this same girlfriend , her sister and another friend and I went to see the male strippers one night. Well of course we were right up front watchin' this one babe shake his booty. So he's dancing for us and my one friend puts a twenty in his g-string. He's pretty happy, here's four suckers sitting pretty. My next girlfriend the jerk puts a fifty in his g-string. I just shake my head I'm sober and this is getting stupid. Now not to be out done my best friend puts a hundred dollar bill in this strippers g-string I could have slapped her. Now this guy is practically giving me a lap dance everyone is hollering it is getting out of control. I really don't know what they expect me to give this guy. He's cute but for this kinda money he better be coming home to do me after the show. I look in my clutch purse and I see a credit card, a debit card and a pack of smokes and a lighter. So I took my debit card swiped it down the crack of his a.s.s. took all the money and ran! Yup! That's what I did!!
Anyway moving right along now.
SUCCESSFUL GRIEVING
1) Feel the feelings. The only way out is through. Feelings are a natural healthy response to a loss situation.
2) If you get scared and you feel as though you are going to fall apart.....
GO AHEAD!! You will be okay. Share with safe people. Don't isolate. Ask for support.
3) When you get angry - Get Angry!Yell at G0D. Pound on a pillow. Go for a run. Anger is okay if you express it appropriately. If you think might hurt somebody or yourself physically, GET HELP!
4) Cry, crying is one of the healthiest ways to expess sorrow. Give yourself permission to cry. Use music, movies, or whatever to tap into your sadness.
5) Listen. Listening to the observations of others is often the best cure for denial. If more than two people are telling you the same thing, you had better take a look at it.
6) Action, do something.... go to a meeting, talk to people, write in your journal, get on this site and connect with others.
7) Write a letter to whatever or whoever you have lost. Start with your dope then continue with each problem you are grieving.... loss of self, loss of relationship, loss of loved one, loss of money, loss of estate.. etc..
8) Sing, whistle, dance, laugh. It seems silly but do it anyway.
9) Pray or meditate. Use the serenity prayer or the Lords Prayer.
10) Gather knowledge. Read about grief.
11) Do something new. get involved in a hobby, church, volunteer work, be willing to move on.
12) Be good to yourself. Be as kind and gentle as you would with a dear friend in need or a child who has sustained a tragic loss.
Well that's it for tonight.
Got to get some sleep.
Ciao 4 Now
Anastasia
this same girlfriend , her sister and another friend and I went to see the male strippers one night. Well of course we were right up front watchin' this one babe shake his booty. So he's dancing for us and my one friend puts a twenty in his g-string. He's pretty happy, here's four suckers sitting pretty. My next girlfriend the jerk puts a fifty in his g-string. I just shake my head I'm sober and this is getting stupid. Now not to be out done my best friend puts a hundred dollar bill in this strippers g-string I could have slapped her. Now this guy is practically giving me a lap dance everyone is hollering it is getting out of control. I really don't know what they expect me to give this guy. He's cute but for this kinda money he better be coming home to do me after the show. I look in my clutch purse and I see a credit card, a debit card and a pack of smokes and a lighter. So I took my debit card swiped it down the crack of his a.s.s. took all the money and ran! Yup! That's what I did!!
O...M...G
yep yep
_________________ Got G0D?....I can not dimiss, what I can not deny....Jesus Saves!
Cancer early stage surgery Feb. 4. This is a direct cosequence of my addiction. I am convinced of this. Yes I may have quit smoking a little too late. But this last relapse I remember how hard I smoked crack. I remember how many days I stayed awake dehydrated. I remember what side of my mouth I chewed and held that damb hose in. The very same side I am having a lump removed from now. Such is life. I'm okay. I'm clean.
nothing else really matters, does it? to know that you have the courage and strength to not use in the face of uncertainty is a milestone. remember how we used to pick up the pipe, or poke the needle for something as trivial as not knowing.
not knowing if the bills would be paid, if we'd get a meal into us that day, if we'd even make it into work, if we still had a job. if we still had cuffing previledge, if we had a place to sleep, if we'd get the high we were looking for, or needed. not knowing what virtues we'd have to trade, just to be living like the dead. not knowing if a friend was still a friend, or if we could even face family again. not knowing if this night would be our last.
it's so easy to not believe in tonorrow, when today is just another yesterday, because we don't see a future.
it doesn't matter what you have have to face today. whatever it is, to be able to face it, acknowledge and accept it, without trading tomorrow for what is past, is to know you are alive.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
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