For the past few weeks I have been reading post after post on this website as I almost feel like my whole life is surreal.
Last night I asked my husband to leave. He has been using cocaine for the past ten years and only Lord knows what else. Last April he went to rehab and stayed clean for eight months but has been on a slippery slope since then.
Three weeks ago I was in the corner of my room crying feeling like I don't have the strength to go on any more. He promised he would get a sponsor and go back to meetings. I don't even have to say it, but of course it did not happen. I confronted him yesterday and then told him he either needed to get help or leave. Then I thought about it some more and told him he had to leave.
The words came out of my mouth and I heard them loud and clear. However they were breaking my heart at the same time. This cannot be love. This I understand.
We both have really good jobs and the money flows in, but it is flowing out as fast as it comes in. Many of you in here must be asking if I have the money to support myself why don't I just leave. I beat myself up over that same question over and over again --how could I possibly feel so bad about myself to stay?
The reality is that I don't know any different. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic house. I don't know if anyone has ever truly loved me including my family. I get the crumbs in life and have accepted them. Externally it may seem to be enough but on the inside I constantly know that it is not and it makes me feel worse than ever. That I accept what I am given.
More than anything there is no way that I can let everyone in my life know how screwed up my life is. It would simply kill me to know that everyone knows about my problems. Growing up in an alcoholic family you become skilled at this, and I am the master.
At this point I almost feel nothing....there is nothing left to feel anymore. I have felt it all, and I am numb. Who knows what is going to become of the person I call my husband? I tried to make some phone calls to people he was in rehab with so they can help him, because I don't feel as though I can do it anymore. It is one lie after another ad nauseum just as I have read in so many other posts in this forum. My heart wants to believe it so much but as he told me several times yesterday......I am an addict.
All I can hope is that things will some how get better. I know it is up to me and my choices. All I can hope is to have more courage than I have ever had before not to allow my husband to keep pushing my face into the mud while he continues to use.
Hi and Welcome.
You can only change one person and that is yourself. I can make a suggestion to you though. Since you mention and seem to be so aware of your families alcoholic background and the fact that you use that as your excuse to "settle" for crumbs...
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The reality is that I don't know any different. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic house. I don't know if anyone has ever truly loved me including my family. I get the crumbs in life and have accepted them. Externally it may seem to be enough but on the inside I constantly know that it is not and it makes me feel worse than ever. That I accept what I am given.
You don't have to accept it any longer. It is tearing you apart inside. May I suggest a book for you to read, you can find it on ebay it is called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Ultimately only you will know what to do about your situation, there are great people here on this site. I have found that some will say dump the guy "you go girl" and when a man does the same thing to a female addict he is accused of abandoning her, so I say do what you will. Usually I am of the opinion (man or woman) the addict must be left to hit their bottom. That is only one opinion. What you do is what counts. What you do for yourself and your well being.
I wish you what you deserve.
The Best and nothing Less.
Welcome
Anastasia
Thanks for replying Anastasia. It means more than you could ever know.
Thanks for the recommendation on the book---it has been ordered.
Yeah, I agree it is VERY hard to make the decision to stay or go. I feel like I am doing nothing. Letting my life happen to me, instead of making my life happen. Not a great place to be.
Parts of me tell me--No more! I am allowing this to happen. Other parts of me feel bad for abandoining a person who is so far in the ?/|\, he doesn't even realize. But all I keep trying to tell myself is that I cannot fight the drugs for him. Until he is ready to do that I can do nothing other than protect myself---even though it feels awful.
I can so easily relate to so much of what you have written here.
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The reality is that I don't know any different. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic house. I don't know if anyone has ever truly loved me including my family. I get the crumbs in life and have accepted them. Externally it may seem to be enough but on the inside I constantly know that it is not and it makes me feel worse than ever. That I accept what I am given.
I also grew up with many of the same feelings that you have described here, and I do know how easy that it can be for us to carry "what we have learned as children" into adulthood. I have struggled with many of the issues that you describe here most of my adult life. It seems normal, until we begin to start loving and accepting ourselves as someone with real value....
I can only share with you my personal experience as to what I feel has helped me to begin to care for myself despite the fact that I was quite good at accepting the crumbs as you say and protecting the many secrets that protect ourselves and the people I loved from the harsh scrutiny of others that surely could never begin to understand, or so I thought .... I was the idea partner for a person in addiction...
It finally became abundantly clear to me that for all the time and energy that I was putting into my loved ones addiction that the only one that was gaining ground was the addiction. My loved one was so deep into his need for the drug that it seemed that nothing else mattered to him. Not the significant lossess of his personal posessions, the relationships that were tetering by an already freyed thread, nor the legal turmoil that he was forced to face on a regular basis.
I was powerless to stop his patterns of destruction not only to himself, but in areas that directly effected me, financially, emotionally and otherwise. However, only half of this statement is true, because I have learned that you can change how their addictions issues effect you, or at the least very significant part of those issues.
How many times, I had wished for him to hit bottom, not even being sure where the bottom was. He had already destroyed and lost more then one could ever imagine without so much as a blink of an eye. It seemed there were no wake up calls for him to take a serious look at where his life was heading.
I began setting boundaries that kept me as distanced as one could possibly be from his addiction issues. I had to start digging out from the rubble, the evil emotional mess that I had found myself in on a daily basis. This meant no more excusing his addiction to myself, or others. As long as he was actively using, my home was off limits. This was a major change for both of us because he lived with me. No more tracking him down to make sure he was safe, no more picking up the pieces and assisting him in sweeping them under the rug, no more ENABLING him, anything that had any direct link to aiding his ability to use was Done.
This was so very difficult, but I had honestly come to the point that like you, I no longer had it in to appear ok in a situation that was clearly NOT OK.
You may NOT have the power to save him from his addiction, but you certainly can begin putting things in a perspective that will help you to save yourself.
You have choices as to what you can and can not personally accept as far as your relationship with your loved one. Setting boundaries that limit the the effects of his addiction to you personally are exactly the areas that you want to address. Changing the things that you have the power to change for yourself. I can not tell you how important it is to begin to put yourself first in this situation.
We basically know that until he is ready and willing to face his addiction nothing is likely to change for the better, but we certainly know that things can get worse.
By backing up and allowing him to deal with his own addiction issues, or fallouts caused by his addiction you are placing the responsibility of his addiction back where it rightly belongs. His choice at this point is to either sink, or swim with the knowing that it is up to him. Hopefully, the changes that place the burden of his addiction where it truly belongs could be the very thing that helps him to realize the adverse effects that are a result of his addiction. So, consider that although you may tend to feel guilty for the stand that you are taking you must also realize that the boundaries that you set to protect yourself can also be beneficial in helping your loved one feel first hand the adverse effects of his addiction.
Do continue to educate yourself on addiction and addiction related issues. You have found a great resource for support and information on this site. Keep reading with the idea in mind that you are here to first help yourself begin to better care for yourself in this situation.
I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. It was a powerful way to start my day as I wake up to a day alone in the house. Somehow I have to pull it together this morning quickly because I teach and CANNOT carry this stuff into my job with me. I need your wishes of peace and strength more than you know.
He called last night to ask me "if I need anything." I keep asking myself how he can be so oblivious to what I really need. If I am being brutally honest it is for him to leave me alone for now to try to put myself together with whatever little remains. I am not sure that giving up using is enough any more, because I am never sure if that is going to be real or just an illusion.
I feel that it is good that your goal is to leave your hardships at home as much as possible before clocking in for the day at work. I know how difficult it can be at times, but for the time being the situation is what it is, and the it is unlikely to be any different after an eight hour period. Consider that it is much healthier for you to not dwell over the things that you can not change, and if work is a good outlet for you to lay the situation aside ....good for you !
I eventually asked my loved one to leave my home in order to distance myself from his addiction issues. I went from the need to know his every move to preferring not to know the details that surrounded his using. The more of his addiction issues that I chose to let go ...policing his actions, trying to keep him up on important dates, deadlines etc., the more time I had to pay attention to the many things that I had been neglecting for so long, the better I began to feel. Slowly things began to change for the better. Eventually he began claiming responsibility for, and attending to the items that I no longer attended to on a regular basis.
He would also call, or stop by with the same questions, asking if I needed anything, or inquiring how I was doing, etc. I looked at his checking in as his subtle way of evaluating the situation, maybe even at times evaluating me and the position I had taken as a whole. I continued to be honest about my feelings, and how I viewed the situation. By this time, like you I was not sure what was actually left of the relationship. My heart knew I would always love him, but there were so many obstacles between us, I had no idea if I could trust enough to feel secure in a relationship with him even if he were sober. I felt that his addiction would always be lying in wait around every curve. Taking one day at a time he began checking in more, and spending more time with me. As his true want for sobriety got stronger, he began setting limitations for himself. Lack of honesty had become a huge stepping stone in our relationship and undoubtedly the stone that caused our relationship the most hurt. Now he was being honest at all cost to himself. He would willingly admit when he used even if I was not present to see the telltale signs of using on his faceand in his actions. Through those admissions, we would openly discuss the fact of him using and how it made him feel as well as how it made me feel. He was finally running in a positive direction as his want for sobriety became his willingness to acheive and maintain his own sobriety. Today I do not question his true want and commitment to his sobriety, he has absolutley surprised the Hel_ out of me and I could not be more pleased. Although we still live seperate, our relationship is a work in progress. He is ussually the first person that I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night.
We are rebuilding our trust together and I can tell you that it feels good. I do not have the luxery of a crystal ball, but I have gained enough faith in myself alone to know that I could never go back to carrying the full burden of his addiction upon my shoulders. We have discussed this at length, and he knows what one use could cost him as well in terms of his treasured sobriety. Knowing this we are both currently taking one day at a time.
Through out this whole ordeal, I have seen him at his very worst, as no doubt I know he has also seen the very worst side of myself. We are currently enjoying the very best of each other and are appreciating every moment we have to be thankful.
I am not trying to sell you one way, or the other. I can tell you that there were so many uncertainties throughout this whole process. Absolutely, there are no guarantees for the present, or the future. Consider from a relationship standpoint, it could have gone either direction. We could have drifted apart as easily as we have chosen to grow together. There has been much work applied to the relationship even after the point of my loved one reaching sobriety. Taking things one day at a time, having faith in my own abilitieds to either accept, or not accept what will face me tomorrow is always my personal decision to make. The same as he owns the decision to use, or not to use.
This is the best way that I can explain how I deal with the reality of our situation.
Keeping communication open and honest is so important if you are sincerely looking to grow in a healthy direction as a couple.
Always know that your feelings and needs are every bit as important as the other persons feelings and needs.
Don't slight yourself when deciding what is, or is not acceptable.
Happiness stems from within and branches out to reach others, it is then that true happiness can be shared.
When we love someone, giving of ourself can seem effortless, but when we feel that we are "giving up" ourselves to please another, it is time to reevaluate our situation so that we may again begin to love ourselves.
Just sharing what I have learned from my own experiences....
Wishing you the best ....
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
The words came out of my mouth and I heard them loud and clear. However they were breaking my heart at the same time. This cannot be love. This I understand.
no! this is love. it's love for yourself.
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I grew up in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic house.
so did i. and i became a drug addict. but i've never raised voice or hand against my sons, (three) and just tonite, my twelve year old told me, he's proud of me for being 60+ days clean. i don't have to be anything conditional of my upbringing. nor do you.
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The reality is that I don't know any different.
you've proven yourself so wromg there. you do kmow what is right and you've nade a decision which requires a lot of courage. i haven't read the above responces yet but i'd probably agree with them totally.
right now, you need to put yourself first. this isn't your problem, it's his problem. let him deal with it. you look after yourself.
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Thank you all so much for your support. I wish that I could find the words to tell you how much they truly mean.
I am still a sad wife but, I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. I am hoping that that ideology will sink in sooner rather than later.
They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, well I must be getting close to Hercules by now.............But I hear you loud and clear I need the strength for myself because I cannot fight the drugs for him.
When dealing with addiction .... sooner is always better then later ...
I feel like you are putting things in a healthy perspective that will hopefully bring some peace to what can be so emotionally draining and hurtful.
Taking care of the things that you know you have the power to change, is definately a step in the right direction. No, it is not a cure all, but you will feel stronger as you learn to look out and take care of you.....
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But I hear you loud and clear I need the strength for myself because I cannot fight the drugs for him.
absolutely !
I agree with Bill as well ..... it is Love for yourself ... and that is a good thing, you need to realize that it is healthy to have love for yourself....
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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