now what the he|l does any of that have to do with the price of rice in Shanghai???
And so what if I'm a perv... I come by it honestly... you entertain me nightly... what does that say about your twisted self?? G0D and now you're on you're on your way out here. Don't expect lipstick.
GRRROOWWWLLL!!
T
Hey Bill,
Thanks for throwing on your superman cape and flying out here. You stopped a train wreck. I'm still pretty fragile. Well you saw how I am. I hate being such a chick sometimes. And who said Nichole is the only fair maiden whose rescue you come to. Although having her with us was a comfort to me as well. As I was on my last nerve and everyone was on it. I haven't slept, I don't want to go home in fear I'll find C dead and if she's not dead she'll be in that opiate stupor that I went to detox to get over. I don't need a daily reminder of how much fun opiates used to be.... and believe me she makes it look fun. I just have the good sense still left to want to keep myself safe and play the tape out all the way. My drug of choice is cocaine and she's making heroin look awfully good right now. So what does a cocaine loving junkie do....???? Number 7's???? Speedballs??? Or just SOS Bill and piss him off untill he puts his super cape on and flys to Mission.
Thanks Bill.
Thanks Nichole.
Thank You G0D
I made it through another day without using dope.
With a little help from flaggin.....
T
i do my own little trip down here in the big smoke. i don't have the support that my friend, nichole has up there in mission. but i know that she has tasi to look after her and vice a versa.
tasi we have known each other only a short time, but in that time, we have become good friends. to me, a truly good friend, does not need to be by themself in times of trouble. so, when i spoke to you this morning, i knew i had to go see you. i didn't know what i could say to you to make things easier for you, but i did know that you needed a distraction. and boy can i distract.
and so, our first time hanging out with each other, what fun, in spite of the pain. and yes, thank you for bringing, nichole along. we all needed each other to some extent today.
you know, i truly envy what you girls have up there. you have the structure of recovery, which i do not. you don't know how much it meant to me to be hanging out with two other recovering addicts. it amazes me, how honest the feelings are in a group of people who have chosen to give up the drug. we hide nothing. we are lunatics. we don't care. we care about each other though.
you are an amazing woman tasi. i think i will learn plenty in knowing you. i think i will learn plenty in knowing nichole. anyway, you learned today, that i am only a highway away and that i will drop everything just to see you have another clean day.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
today was an unexpected journey. one filled with laughter and some tears. i needed to get out of town as much as someone needed to have a friend show up. i am having a h*ll of a time doing what i am doing down here by myself. it has been an emotional week for me.
i was off the booze for a week and then i fell. i got drunk. i was hurt and i turned to the drink, again.it's not right, but i am glad it was booze and not the drug.
i'm feeling topsy turvy right now. i'm sober today, but i don't know where i'm going. i know i have to move. it's no longer healthy for me to live where i am at. nichole asked me today, if i was keeping my couch set. i said no and she agreed with me right away. see, we both know where the sickness lay. i won't be taking much with me. there isn't a lot here that has not been touched by the drug. as i pack things up i find reminders. flaps here and there, found one of nicholes crack pipes today, syringes still turn up. everytime i come across something like this my mind drowns in bad memories.
well, soon, i'll be gone from here. looking forward to better times, but never back to the drug. nichole is coming down next weekend to help pack. strange in a way, because we have not had any time alone with one another since november. we have lots to talk about. we are ok. she is looking forward to meeting my younger boys mother and also we are going to go hang out with zeth. i showed billy some pictures that were taken today. he is awed by nichole. what a turn around. he didn't have a lot of respect for her awhile ago but today he is blown away by her. good. he needs it. as far as i know he is staying of the speed.
anyway, to sum this up, i got a haircut. when i saw nichole today, she was speechless. it took her awhile but by the end of the day she told me she kind of liked it. she does miss my hair though. her are pics that tasi and nichole asked me to post.
tasi's favourite pic of bill, 'the weiner'
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Bill I hope you finish shaving your head properly, otherwise we will be able to velcro you to the ceiling. And what did you do with all that long hair of yours? Now that you have joined the hari krishnas (why are they called that they are not hari) are you going to wear those long orange robes to match your new head and sworn celibacy? Or was that Billy I was talking to? No he was the one that wanted me to put pins in him while he rubbed up on my ...... while you shaved your head pretending to be you??? I'm confused. That was you yesterday right? and not some random crazy person I bared my nervous breakdown to at Starbucks and Szechuan? Any how if you need someone to bic the back of your head, anytime buddy anytime...
Tas
Bill I hope you finish shaving your head properly,
it's an arduous task. i'm still working on it.
Quote:
(why are they called that they are not hari)
because they named themselves after the only lyric in their hit song? they believe in keeping things
simple.
Quote:
and sworn celibacy?
tasi, that's a lie. i am offended, more so because i don't even know how to spell that word, besides, i'm not celibrating anything. i'm just holding out for the right woman. but at the rate that recovery house heals women, i better think of freezing some sperm.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
OMG You were like a rooster in a hen house last night what are you talking about ?? I couldn't even breathe on you with out you falling onto Kim.. Thank goodness she was there to pick you up off the floor.
for the record. busy packing up my sh*t at the apt. i came across a fat half gram flap. tasted it. coke. numb the gum. and all those syringes on the shelf. i don't think there was any temptation. i just know what is right. i flushed the coke and i threw the needles out. i'm toting a, "just for today' key fob from n.a. courtesy of a friend.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
depressed! that is how i am again today. i almost threw my cell phone off the side of the mountain that i am working on. i didn't know what to do. i finally phoned tasi. out of desperation. she told me, that throwing my cell phone wouldn't be cool because then i'd be jumping off the mountain to try and catch my phone. this is what bugs me about women. they think i am stupid. why would i jump off the side of a mountain for a f*cking life line?
i am an addict. i am in full pain today. there's nothing i can do about it except, isolate, and that is what i am doing. turned my phone off. want to be left alone. don't want to know why i love anything. i want to hurt.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Bill,
I am glad you picked up that phone and dialed my digits. I am glad you are feeling. You are NOT alone. You panicked when I gave you that final suggestion, I stand by it, even more so now than ever. Please think about it. Did you ever think that part of the depression could also be caused by the fact that you found and threw out the dope and rigs and this is the addict side of you grieving the loss of your drugs? A subconscious backlash? Maybe maybe not. You'll be okay. I have faith in you Bill. I know what you're made of. The soft side and the strong side. Both are beautiful.
I love ya buddy
you know where to find me.
Peace
T
i just want to say, that i am having a difficult time. i know that i am hurting. i know that i have let someone down who means the world to me. can i pick them back up? i don't know. can i pick myself back up? i hope so, and i think i can.
being an addict, i gravitate towards my fears. i still escape my reality by choice. but this choice becomes more painful because of the choices i make while clean. it's no fun no more. it is no escape.
i've been told i need to surrender. well, what does that mean? surrender what? my feelings? i can throw them out on the floor in a second for anyone to wipe their boots on. where will that get me?
why are my feelings the one thing that seems so crucial to my addiction? why isn't it enough that i don't do drugs anymore? i'm talking about the good stuff. the coke, the crack, the speed.
i came to the conclusion that i was f*cked up because of the drugs and so i stopped using. why do i still feel f*cked up? alcohol? sure we could use that as an escape. why not?
when i was on drugs, i didn't know how to love. then i quit and i let my love happen. now i am still not right.
a f*cking addict is argued to no end. the way i feel, is that if i give up breathing. because i am addicted to it, i will be no less understood. so what's the point, aside that i am not using the drugs that brought me here.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
The point is you are a beautiful human being who is feeling a cornucopia of emotions and it hurts and it is deep like you are there is nothing shallow about you so why would your feelings be shallow. You played hard, you work hard, you love hard, you hurt hard.... didnt we always say.... go hard or go home?
Bill, I'd be more then happy,
to resize any pictures you'd like to post.
my friend returneth
from stormy sea
to resize a picture
of my c*ck and me.
upon a wave swept shore i'll lie,
the sharks have eaten my only pride,
but lynn the gallant sailors wife
will bring me back larger than life.
what a girl has never choked on before
dead sharks will fill upon the shore
lynn is the the artist
i'm the wh0re,
we,ve both done drugs
and there is no cure.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
my kid came over and helped me move the way i need too. we took hammers and electric saw to most all the furniture in my apartment. we turned the music full blast and went at it. we were like rock stars in a motel unit.
i'm moving shortly. i'm taking as little as i can. as a matter of fact i'm aiming for four cardboard boxes containg important papers and photos and personal memorabilia. and a change of underwear. i'm taking nothing with me that reminds me of my years here. i'm also not looking for a place to live. i got my van and a coastline to park it on.
i have nothing to hold me here anymore. i let all go today. i am free. time to move on.
love? that is something i will take with me. a memory of course, but love, none the less.
i would give it about two days, end of the week max, before i pull my hard drive and toss my computer out. trade this for a fishing pole. i'm going to miss this site, but the coastline and forests seem to be a fair trade.
adios amigos
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
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I hate being such a chick sometimes. And who said Nichole is the only fair maiden whose rescue you come to. Although having her with us was a comfort to me as well. As I was on my last nerve and everyone was on it. I haven't slept, I don't want to go home in fear I'll find C dead and if she's not dead she'll be in that opiate stupor that I went to detox to get over. I don't need a daily reminder of how much fun opiates used to be.... and believe me she makes it look fun. I just have the good sense still left to want to keep myself safe and play the tape out all the way. My drug of choice is cocaine and she's making heroin look awfully good right now. So what does a cocaine loving junkie do....???? Number 7's???? Speedballs??? Or just SOS Bill and piss him off untill he puts his super cape on and flys to Mission.
