Newbie needs support (it's a long one, sorry)

ronafraser2008 · Newbie

I am new to this site and I'm so glad I've found it. I've tried a lot of things to help with overcoming my addiction and nothing seems to work. I am hoping with a little support from people who are going through the same thing I am, I will have some success.

Here is my story:

I am a 30 year old wife and mother of two. My husband is amazing and our children are beautiful. We live a charmed life. We both have good jobs and make good money. We take two trips a year and have had some amazing experiences in our 10 years together. We are very well liked and respected, but what no body knows is, we are living with a dark secret.

I am addicted to cocaine. I tried it two years ago at a party where everyone was doing it...I'm very suprised I even tried it, I hadn't even seen cocaine before that night. I was already half cut and really easy going that night. Another friend of mine said she'd done it before and it was no big deal. So I thought what-the-he|l, I'll try it. BIG MISTAKE. I did one line and probably had the best time of my life when we went to the bar.

The next day I felt very guilty and said to myself, "never again". Until the next time a couple months later I went out with that same friend. Then the time after and the time after until it got to the point that I didn't even want to go out unless I had some. I couldn't have a good time just drinking alone anymore. So now two years later I've been using at least 3-4 a week. I am a functional junkie I've become dependant on it I guess. 4 months ago I realized I had a big problem and decided enough was enough, I tried to stop on my own, but it would only last about a week at at a time. I told my husband about it, and it shocked him to the core. He was so upset, it almost ended our relationship. I told him becasue I didn't want to lie anymore and I did want to stop using and thought if he knew I'd be able to quit. Boy was I wrong. What the he|l is wrong with me. I stopped for one whole month, then started again, slowly. What an self-interest person hey? He didn't have a clue, I was good at hiding it. After a couple weeks I told him I'd fallen off the wagon, he lost it and alomst kicked me out, but didn't.

So here I am, I'm really trying to stop and I do so good, then all the sudden one day my mind just says , ahh what the he|l, just get a little bit, it'll be okay. Before the other part of my mind has time to talk myself out of it, I've already dialed the number. I know how much is on the line and don't want to lose my life to this *censored sh_t. Then why the *censored F--> can't I just stop. I hate that I did this to myself becaue this is really not me.

Am I the only mother out there who does this.....I just really need to talk to someone who's going through the same thing. Maybe it will help. I am going to counselling and all that too, I just hope that one day I can have myself back. I miss the old me, so does my husband and kids.

Admin · Site Admin

Have you read
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... id-49.html
and
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... id-65.html ?

natasha7 · Newbie

Just wanted to say hello - I am visiting for the first time and yours was the first post I have read.
What a shock.
It was like reading about my own life.
I too have a gorgeous husband, two incredible children, great house, life, etc but am using cocaine secretly.
The same as you, it began as a social treat - how decadent and daring - now I really cannot believe in my 30's, in my position, I have developed a drug problem. (ouch... I actually said it/wrote it out loud)
Anyway, I am going to read the articles suggested above but really wanted to let you know that I understand.
Not sure how we keep in touch or if it will help but thank you for lessening my shame slightly by my realising it's not just me.

Perky · Newbie

I would ask how you are but i know the answer already!

When i read your story i just wished that i could pick up the phone and call you. I am going through the exact same feelings. I am not married, and i don't have kids but the description of your feelings are exactly what i feel!

Especially when you wrote the following:

Quote:

I've tried a lot of things to help with overcoming my addiction and nothing seems to work. I am hoping with a little support from people who are going through the same thing I am, I will have some success.

So here I am, I'm really trying to stop and I do so good, then all the sudden one day my mind just says , ahh what the he|l, just get a little bit, it'll be okay. Before the other part of my mind has time to talk myself out of it, I've already dialed the number. I know how much is on the line and don't want to lose my life to this *censored sh_t. Then why the *censored F--> can't I just stop. I hate that I did this to myself becaue this is really not me.

I too miss the old me! I also feel so guilty because i did this to myself. It is not like someone forced it up my nose.
Every time i buy it is my choice. And yet i feel like it isn't my choice at the same time b/c i don't even think about it. I call before i think. And i do it before i think. Then i feel guilty and say this is the LAST TIME. But then i just repeat the process. I can't seem to put that first foot forward. I have seen Physcologists but it didnt help. I then went on disability from work so i could enter a day program. So i go every day and listen and agree with all these professionals who tell me how to stop the process. And yet i get home and forget all that i learned.

WHy do i do it? WHy can't i stop? I told my mom and sisters and i know how stressed they are and how worried. But i can't stop. I live alone and now my family wants me to stay at their house so i don't get it. And this is giving me such a panic attack. Even though the idea is great b/c it would give me time to get away from it.

ANd what confuses me the most is that to stay w/ my family I know i would stop while i am with them. But at the same time i don't want to stop and yet i do! (It's a paradox, and it confuses the he|l out of me) And i know that it is making me sick and slowly killing me. So i wonder, am i sabotaging myself to fail on purpose? B/c maybe deep down i have no respect for myself? Crying or Very sad

I don't know the answers to my questions, but i do know that we are all in the same boat, even though I don't have the marriage and the kids.

And i also read Natasha's reply. Maybe we can all help each other. In the Coke addiction forum i posted my story and there is a another person who is going through this too. I think you should read his reply b/c i believe he said he had kids too.

Maybe we can all PM each other and pick a date and time to go meet in the chat room here to talk about our very similar feelings. I know that that would really make me feel better.

(Yes, they do have a chat room here but no one is ever using it. )

So if you guys like that idea, then let me know when we could all meet in there. Im in NY so i dont know if you guys are in the same time zone, but i am free tomorrow night, THursday from 4pm and up!

Baby steps. At least we admitted we have a problem! So i think we should all give ourselves a hug for that!