Love or Cocaine???

Djinn · Newbie

Hey all;

I am a heavy Cocaine user. Well let put it this way.
A Half Bar of cocaine would do me for 3weeks.
I have a good job so I don't mind spending the money on it.
I have met a girl, well 5months ago. She's all Anti-Drug People.
I told her last night that I was a Cocaine user, and she asked me who did I love more; Her or Cocaine...I couldn't give her an Answer, but in the back my mind I love Cocaine more...
I don't know how to go about getting help or where to start, because nobody else knows I use. I don't make it obvious when I'm High, when I use, where I use.
Thank you to all who read this.

From a person who wants to pick Coke over Love.

Admin · Site Admin

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I don't know how to go about getting help or where to start

How about to start with clearing your head from the garbage that you have. Also, do yourself and that girl a favor: cut off any relationship.
Have a good day.

meltdownsky · Tenant

Love or no love, right girl or another one (or alone)...whatever happens, long term chronic cocaine use will destroy you. I'm speaking from personal experience. Also chances are people are more aware of something's up with your behavior as the drug has the tendency to fool the addict into believing no one "knows" and how it's effecting everthing around them...
Ultimately all cocaine does is take from you where as someone who loves you will give back. All those times you were using and "no one knew", you really couldn't have been more alone. (also I don't neccessarily agree with Gene, the right person can be a positive influence...one of the things about 12 step/rehab situation(s) is the rule about no romantic relationships as it interferes with the recovery process is not always true, love can turn a person around).

Regardless, welcome to the site...

screwmaster · Resident

Good for you for telling this girl. A very noble thing to do. I was with a girl for a year and hid my chronic use. The girl never really got to know me, I was always high. I found with me how can I really love someone when I don't love myself. I did not even know who I was when I was using and still don't. If and when you do quit cocaine your relationship will still be around the substance. Do this girl a favour end the relationship and work on Loving yourself.

flaggin · Helping Hand III

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one of the things about 12 step/rehab situation(s) is the rule about no romantic relationships as it interferes with the recovery process is not always true, love can turn a person around).

i have no option but to agree with steven on that note, however, romantic relationships where a user, or users are involved can not work. love can be a part of an active users life but a real and thriving relationship can not exist. one side would be giving and getting nothing in return, the other side would be taking and wanting nothing in return.

love can be a very important factor in recovery but it can not be the sole factor in recovery. i have to also agree with gene, that the best thing you can do is break off the relationship, while you contemplate your choosing to love cocaine over a woman.

you clearly state:

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She's all Anti-Drug People.

you have already robbed her of her self esteem if she has stepped down and asked you, if, "you love her more than the cocaine"

if she loves you as you make it sound then her love for you was born out of your deceiving her.

Quote:

From a person who wants to pick Coke over Love.

what else do you need to know. let her go find love somewhere else and you deal with your own sh*t.

bill

Djinn · Newbie

first off thank you for all your reply s and for been so honest. You all have made me see myself for what I really am! I haven never seen my self like before. As for the girl; we broke up but she is helping me out. I have looked at a rehab place in Ireland. and I am planning to book myself in over the next few days. she said she will sick by me and help me. Thank you. I never really understood things that way. I dont want to end up alone! Thank you guys.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Trying to love someone that is in active addiction is so TOUGH ...

Consider that this girl will not have the opportunity to know the real YOU, while you are actively using. I feel like backing things up to a friendship level is a good idea.

It's nice to have the support of a good friend.

Making a determined effort to work towards sobriety is an investment that is well worth it !!!

Wishing you the best, please keep us updated ...

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

frustr8ed · Resident

Gene, I know you probably don't mean to come across as an uncaring *censored (_0_), but you do.

Admin · Site Admin

frustr8ed wrote:

Gene, I know you probably don't mean to come across as an uncaring *censored (_0_), but you do.

May be because, you take positions, and I don't.
Now imagine that this girl, which he met 5 months ago is your daughter.
So if you gave a different advice it would be hypocritical, don't you think?

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

the right person can be a positive influence...one of the things about 12 step/rehab situation(s) is the rule about no romantic relationships as it interferes with the recovery process is not always true, love can turn a person around).

My opinion on this matter has nothing to do with 12 steps, Love can turn a person around, however any relationships are based on two sides. It would be simply unfair to put this girl trough something that for example your wife is going trough. So the biggest act of love from that boy would be to protect this girl from this ordeal.

Admin · Site Admin

dragongirl wrote:

He was honest with her about his use. From there she, as a grown adult of whom you have zero personal knowledge, should be capable of making a decision on her own.

He wasn't honest with her about his drug use until a few days ago.

Quote:

From there she, as a grown adult of whom you have zero personal knowledge, should be capable of making a decision on her own.

Choice is always hers, however what he should do as a man is mine concern.
BTW, in his post I see only bravade and foolhardiness.

flaggin · Helping Hand III

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But shouldn't the choice be HERS and not yours, Gene?

gene doesn't, nor is making a choice. gene is not involved with this man's girlfreind.

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if she loves you as you make it sound then her love for you was born out of your deceiving her.

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He wasn't honest with her about his drug use until a few days ago.

where are you coming from, dragonlady, to be supporting this mans lies.

if you took the time to read over this site carefully, you might find that djinns statement:

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I haven never seen my self like before. As for the girl; we broke up but she is helping me out. I have looked at a rehab place in Ireland. and I am planning to book myself in over the next few days.

doesn't mean sh*t, unless he actually follows through on what he's saying.

i don't know you. so i took a moment to read your story. it's a good story and i applaud you for making the break. but at this time you are making an error in mistaking advice for decision making.

bill

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

If she wants to leave him, that is HER decision. I wouldn't advise him to dump her if he doesn't want to, when she could possibly be a wonderful and supportive influence in his life.

She can be a wonderful and supportive influence without being romantically involved with this man; therefore she wouldn't have high expectation and hopes.

He is not her husband, she is not his wife. He can talk about any involvement with this girl only after he is making some substantial steps and progress towards drug free life. 5 months of relationships is not the factor to keep this involvement going. He wasn't sincere about his drug use for the period of 5 months, this is alone should question this relationships.

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I'm not making an error and why on earth would I need to "read over this site carefully" to make a judgment about drug use. I've been there just the same as all of you and all the friends I've known, gained and lost along the way. We all have different experiences and points of view and that ought to be an ASSET to a web forum like this.

First I do not make judgments about his drug use, I am questioning his moral qualities.
Second, if you consider your opinion an asset, you should read other opinions too. And you should start with the rules. Your experience, your friend experience do not make you an expert.

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

I'm not sure you follow me. We weren't married at the time. We are now. Have been for 3 years. I had only been clean a short time (months) when we started dating.

Yes, I followed you

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I had only been clean a short time (months) when we started dating.

here is a key how your situation was different.

pause4poetry · Moderator

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She can be a wonderful and supportive influence without being romantically involved with this man; therefore she wouldn't have high expectation and hopes.

I definately agree and can personally relate to what Gene is saying here....

This is why I stressed above that it is so tough to try and have a relationship with someone in active addiction, actually struggling with addiction period. That is why I chose to bring my relationship with my loved one back to a friendship level.

I think there is a significant difference between friendship and romantic involvement from a relationship and commitment stand point. This allowed me to better seperate myself from his addiction issues that had already more then begun to consumed me. The support that I offered to my love one as a friend, I feel was important as it better allowed me to have him own his addiction issues.

I also feel like it allowed him to address his addiction for his own reasons and not feel the need to humor me with empty words and promises that he was not committed to keeping.

Consider that had we continued as a couple in this situation that there would have been much more damage suffered to each of us on a more personal level. Friendship vs love relationship did make a difference in how we each appied ourselves to the situation.

Hope this makes sense...

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

meltdownsky · Tenant

After reading and thinking over what everyone posted about it, I agree with Ms. Michelle...perhapes a close friendship would be the smarter route and in the event he is able to let the drugs go, then the relationship would follow a more normal progression. It would be safe to say that if he's been using so much for such a long time, then he'd need to find out who he is before he can truely give back the love needed to make it work...

Good Luck to you both...Stephen...

Djinn · Newbie

I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERY BODY FOR THERE COMMENTS. I am off Cocaine now; Finding it hard. And yes; The girl I was seeing is now a big part in my life. she has been by my side and I can't thank her enough. Just like you; I want to say Thanks; It's great that there is a web site like this out there.
I wish you all the best in all that you do.
Thank you.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Congratulations !

I noticed that you do not mention how long.

Did you find your sobriety with the help of the rehab facility that you spoke of in your earlier post?

You state that you are finding it hard. Do consider that this site is available at your finger tips 24 hours a day. Do feel free to post here and share your experience as an on going part of your recovery efforts.

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle