new and struggling

catt101 · Newbie

im sitting here, trying to think of my story without depressing myself even more but i know its going to happen, so here i go

im 18 years old, im a senior in highschool. i come from a large family, 5 siblings, all which arent like me. i feel adopted, out of place. they all are making it, and im still standing still not moving, or most likely falling.

i have multiple life threatening problems; i suffer from bulimia/anorexia, cutting, popping pills, and drugs. honestly i can say all of these problems developed from my eating disorder. i can no longer get the numbness from throwing up or fasting..so i started to experiment with whatever i could think of.

and my latest is drugs...i do them to replace the emptiness or the hurt im feeling. i remember the second time i did cocaine, that had meth mixed in, i was standing in my little brothers room early in the morning, crying and just wanting a hug, he simply just looked at me like i was crazy and eventually hugged me, in order for me to be satisfied and to leave..

no matter what has happened to me or what i've seen i continue with it all..i can remember all the nights we almost died everytime me and my buddies were out doing cocaine..we do it and drive, Lord i know that is soo horrible, and before it all starts i think this is wrong this is wrong, but after its all in my system i could care less if i ended up dying.

i came here to be understood, and to seek help and companionship.

and so im sitting here having a bad night, but doing nothing to help it end, but i cant get the thoughts of doing acouple lines out of my head..its taunting me, and im struggling...but i came here instead of turning to any of my problems, that must say something at least..

thanks for listening

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Catt,

Welcome

You have found a good place for support and information.

Please consider that adding drugs to the mix, although they may take you away from your emotional pain for a while, does nothing to fix the things that you feel is wrong with your life.

First, you must love yourself enough to reach out for the help that is available to you.

Quote:

i have multiple life threatening problems; i suffer from bulimia/anorexia, cutting, popping pills, and drugs. honestly i can say all of these problems developed from my eating disorder. i can no longer get the numbness from throwing up or fasting..so i started to experiment with whatever i could think of.

Have you seen, or are you currently seeing a professional for the disorders that you described above? If not, your first step should be to consider doing so. YOU can with help get to the root of your problems and learn to control the behavior that is certain to damage your health should you choose to ignore getting treatment.

Please know that using drugs is not the answer and will only complicate any chance that you may have to live a long, healthy and happy life.

Begin loving yourself, caring for yourself, and the rest will follow...

Consider talking to your parents about how you feel, and that you want help addressing your disorders. Be honest about your abuse of drugs and request their support in locating resources that can help you get your life moving in a more positive direction.

Open communication with your family is a great place to start ...

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

catt101 · Newbie

actually i have sought help, with my eating disorder there is no good help, the only person that fully understands it would be someone else who has/did struggle with it before(same with the drugs), so professional help is out of the question, and my mother has made it very clear that all help i need, must and will be payed by me....plus i am very untrusting, since the first therapist i had screwed me over, when she said "you can trust me, we are friends" well f friends...soo then i tried another doctor who just messed me up even more and gave me the enjoy of popping anti-depressant, just so i can puke some more, and feel like im dying...and plus the ones i have give u more suicidal thoughts....woooo yippe, just what i needed! and when i confessed about all the drugs ive been doing he goes "those are bad, stop okay" good answer, i pay 250 dollars for something like that....ahhh great doctors this world has now

yah i know drugs complicate my life even more, but its like the only thing i do and feel like there is nothing to worry about, could be the drugs(okay it is..) but i love it, its like me if i was ever happy

actually i am very open with my problems with my family, they either A.) Dont care B.) Don't believe me

there has been multiple times ive come home high, and stood right in front of them, and got nothing, my dad washes my clothes, he knows i do weed..he knows i do everything else, he knows about the cutting, when he needs his dinner knife back he asks for it back and doesnt say a thing, he watches me count out all the pills for whatever im popping...he just doesnt care

all my disorders to my family either are in my imagination and to them im making it all up or its just a joke

honestly, i dont even have to shut the door to go puke....

trying to talk to them will never work

Admin · Site Admin

Have you try to talk with your school psychologist? I am sure there are some low cost or free sources available in your community.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Catt,

I agree with Gene. Talk to someone that will be able to help guide you to available resources in your area. The disorders that you mention are serious and life threatening. You owe it to yourself to look after your physical and mental well being.

I have struggled with anorexia for a number of years. I can tell you that many times there are underlying factors that contribute to the disorder. My ability to take in the amounts of food necessary to sustain life was seriously lacking. I did not binge and purge, I simply had no desire to nourish my body. After awhile, there was no hunger and the small amount that I did mange to consume made me feel deathly sick at best. I had myself convinced that eating made me ill, but in truth what I was doing to my body by means of starvation was making me ill. My monthly cycles stopped all together and I was to the point that I was rarely moving my bowels, I suffered from extreme fatigue, depression and was physically weak to the point that standing for more then a few moments at a time made my legs tremble from the effort that it took to keep them from giving out beneath me. Depression went hand in hand with my eating disorder, I also suffer from panic disorder. I had two years of extensive therapy as much as 3 - 4 times a week to help keep my disorder in check, then therapy as needed to keep me on the right track. In the beginning I was prescribed various medications to help with my panic and anxiety disorder as well as anti-depressant. I did not do all that well with the medications, having a bad adverse reaction to one medication in particular. What has helped me the most was cognitive behavioral therapy. Today I am free of any and all RX medications, and I am managing myself well. Emotionally, I am happy and healthy. The difference is today I can enjoy each day that I am gifted instead of feeling lost in a self destructive cycle of neglecting myself to the point that I was seriously jeopardizing my health and Life IS GOOD !!! The hardest part for me was being up front about my problem. By the time that I saw the need to get help, I was extremely unhealthy, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. The idea that I thought that I could hide all of the above I also had a deep want to not appear as though I was “defective,” which only added to my poor health and ability to cope. Here you are accepting that you have a problem, now you need to address it in earnest to get well.

You must know that even though your family is not taking your problem seriously, does not mean that there is no hope for you to gain control of your situation.... YOU CAN if you seriously want to be healthy. Do it for YOU, and be proud of each step that you choose to take in a positive and healthy direction. Good nutrition, NO DRUGS, and no more cutting...

Please do make an appointment with your school psychologist, hopefully it will open the door for you that will help you build a healthy foundation for your future. Keep in mind that the idea is for you to work willingly with your Doctor, sharing honestly and being open about your feelings, as well as being willing to take direction from him/her with a positive attitude. If you enter into treatment with a negative attitude, you are fighting against reaching a healthier perspective that can make you well.

Wishing you Strength and Peace,