Got out on time, my (ex)boyfriend still hooked. Help or flee

smehhov · Resident

Hey. Got back to Your site, just like I keep getting back to my on-off-boyfriend who is a coke addict. And this time thought better to register.
I was with this guy for 2 years. When we met he had just gotten divorced and he also has a little son. I had always been against hard drugs, but then in the course of one dinner just happened to try it with a very conservative friend and found it real fun! Right.
So and then it was me suggesting it to my bf. And we did it together and then the road to he|l begin, I guess. At first it was a once a month party kinda thingie, then twice a month perhaps. Then sometimes during the week. Then he found out - happily - that most of his friends did it. Long story short...his mood disturbances, fears and paranoias grew. The first summer he had trouble sleeping etc. And even was about to enter depression. I helped him every way I could, but could not link it to coke. Thought it to be a reason to the divorce and not living with his son.
Then it kinda got better, we started to live together etc. But when he found out his friends did it and it became so available, his mood swings started to get worse.I stopped and asked him, too. Only to find out he did it with his friends and sometimes hid it from me.
We broke up after Christmas. Basically he said he is afraid of the future, of responsability and if he didnt have a son, he just would disappear. And it would be better for us to break up, because I might one day leave him anyway...We had tried to break up in the fall, too. But then got back together, but he then said he felt obligation to be with me sometimes. Another reason for him. And said he wasnt sure he loved me anymore.
But every time we broke up, he started texting, calling.
Now the Christmas one was supposed to be final, he got his stuff, moved to his parents and also to this little town where all his friends are and also a bar where coke is always on the menu. So now he has no financial responsabilities (living with the parents), he also works for a family company, and free to spend his time playing Playstation, usually it his mom who helps with the son when he is there and weekends are spent in that bar and doing coke.
Of course, like I predicted, he has not been able to not contact me.
Texts, mails etc. He even asked to come over. I have resisted thus far. But I really love him and he is a very nice and lovely guy who is just destroying himself at horrible speed. And his parents have no clue!
He has asked me to help him. Even wrote me a poem promising a new course etc...What should I do? Intervene somehow? I suffer for him and his son, who loves me and asks for me, also his parents adore me, just could not live with myself if something happened to him and I could have at least warned them...do something. Help me please!

Admin · Site Admin

What was the reason for his first divorce? Why son is with him not with the mother?

smehhov · Resident

He had gotten togehter with the exwife quite early - 19 and they grew apart, there were also some family problems, the exwife didnt get along with his Mom etc. And his parents had been against the marriage since day 1. It is hard to tell a story how it is in such a manner, I know. He is actually from a very good background, never had financial problems and like I said, works for a family company, is leading it along with his dad. So kind of always a predestined path. Few sense of responsability and choice. And then his own fears of living up to his dad. Nevertheless, living like he does now will able him to keep up that lifestyle for quite a while without getting into (financial) trouble. Presuming nothing else happens. His son does not live with him actually, he is with him on weekends and public holidays usually. And then his mom takes over the charge. So no worries there either. He can easily spend his day recovering from a night of drinking and coke use, play his Playstation, doze off and just do an occasional thing with the son. I used to point that out to him, too. That he wasnt even being a father on those brief occasions. Not to say that since I realised he is hooked I have constantly tried to wake his conscience asking whether this is the future he wants for his son, is this the father he thinks his son deserves. But at the same time I do know that once he still thinks he controls it somehow (illusion of course) no blackmailing, crying, begging will do anything I guess.
I am just really brokenhearted by this all. Yesterday he said he sees our love, but has no initiative nor power of decision to do something about it. The minute he feels I am slipping away, he texts again or emails to get me back communicating with him, trying to help. Well I dunno, am I helping? Or just letting him continue the way he was with that little extra feeling that he still has me somewhere, too? People do say that I should run away, forget him...But how do You cut out Your own heart? How do You forget that You were asked help? How do You forget a 4-year-old little boy just like that?

Admin · Site Admin

Some information you should consider before making your choice.
http://www.cocainehelp.org/Article14281.html
As you can see

Quote:

Sixty-five percent of respondents who say their family member admitted their addiction to them say their family member sought treatment. That contrasts with 32% of respondents whose family member did not admit their addiction to them.

Quote:

The vast majority of poll respondents whose family member sought treatment say that he or she got better after treatment (82%), including 38% who report their family member made a "complete recovery." Just 14% reported that their relative showed no improvement after getting help.

Moreover, helping him shouldn't be your first priority. Helping him should consider your involvement on getting him into the treatment.
Good Luck.

smehhov · Resident

Thank You, Gene. But I am not sure I got Your last thought "Helping him should consider your involvement on getting him into the treatment."

Admin · Site Admin

Call this number to see available options.

Tel: +372 6 269 121
И пусть тебе будет не до смеха, смеххов.

smehhov · Resident

Wow. Well, You got my original country code right and the nick is Russian, me however not. And facing the problem in another country actually. Portugal that is.

Admin · Site Admin

Mainly, your help should be focusing on getting him into the treatment.
Tel: +351 218 43 06 35

smehhov · Resident

Thank You. I will certainly try.