Post subject: Spouses addiction has almost destroyed me
Well here I am in a place, a forum, that I never would have believed someone like me would be visiting or posting to.
We are a family who doesn't have problems like drug addiction. We eat and live healthy, spend all of our time together, I even home school our children.
But I just found out that my husband has been addicted to cocaine. The man I have been with for over 20 years, the responsible hard working, dedicated to his family man had been hiding on back roads, sitting in parking lots, snorting cocaine. He has kept it in our vehicle, drove me and our children while high. I could have been arrested for his drugs had I ever been pulled over by the police. My children could have been taken.
If someone would have told me 5 days ago that he was an addict I would have argued with them to the bitter end, yet he told me sitting at our dining room table on Friday evening that he has been addicted to coke.
But here is where my story changes. He is no longer using, he fought the demons alone, by himself. But it is new to me. I feel so raw, shattered, stunned. All of my memories from that three year period are flooding back.
Was he high at our children's b-day parties, on our vacations to the beach? I have an urge to get out all of our photo albums and search the pictures for clues because I certainly didn't see it at the time.
He told me he was using at least five days a week sometimes three times a day. Always after work, right before he'd drive home to us. But no money was ever missing it was always in our bank account. That is because he was being unethical at work. Doing jobs for customers at half the rate for cash. Hundreds of dollars ever week being spent on cocaine, while I was here being a stay at home mom.
Do I belong here since he is no longer using? Our marriage is all but destroyed. I knew there were problems, but I had no idea what they were. He allowed me to believe it was me. He was the perfect husband. He told me "I come home every night, don't hang out at the bars like others". He'd say "Are you depressed"? "Maybe you should see a doctor". He knew it was his addiction, but placed the burden on me.
I thought I had turned into a horrible person. Why couldn't I trust him. I could never put my finger on it. I thought it must be another woman. But when? He was home with us, paychecks direct deposited into our account. One credit card that never had any strange charges. It had to be me.
I don't know what do, I'm afraid he'll use again. It is so hard to believe, if you knew him it would be the last thing anyone ever expected.
He is eaten up with guilt, shame. We have cried thousands of tears together in the past 5 days. Where do we go from here? He tells me he feels like a weight has been lifted off of him, but I feel like it has been placed on me. Such sadness. I'm am not angry, really I am relieved to know that I am not crazy, there really was a problem. I am sad that he has struggled so. I am sad that he felt such pain.
hello,
your story sounds like mine..if you would read through the forum and find "husband on Cocaine" it will tell you my whole story and i would be happy to talk to you about anything.
Tracy
Thank you for replying. Yes I read your story and others and some of them sound like things I could have typed almost word for word. I wish this forum were more active as I'd like someone to talk to who understands.
I am beginning to see what a sick and twisted relationship we have. I love him and I am committed to making it work, but there are problems. Almost all due to trust issues. He is no longer using (he quit on his own I didn't even know there was a problem until after he quit).
I believe I may need as much help if not more than he does. You know a relationship is sick when him chewing a piece of gum (what smell is he trying to cover up???) or putting a pack of gum in his pocket before work (what are his plans for today???) or he goes outside to wash the dog and I walk by a window and see him on the phone (who is he talking too??). These are not normal healthy thoughts in a marriage. Not at all.
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