How often do addicts lie?

jaysbaby · Resident

I have been confronting my Husband lately with his addiction. I call him a "coke addict" to his face. He denies it into the ground and gets mad when I call him an addict.

Is he telling the truth or does it hurt him to hear the real truth about himself? Is this something that happens often with a drug abuser?

flaggin · Helping Hand III

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Is he telling the truth or does it hurt him to hear the real truth about himself?

an addict in their addiction, most often do not see themselves in a state of destructive behavior. where they are is in a place of euphoria where they believe they are satisfying their need to be happy. they can not see this feigned happiness as being a threat, nor can they understand how others can see this as being a threat.

an addict who is aware of the destructive force of the drug, but who is not willing to admit their powerlessness under the drug, will lie about being an addict when they are confronted. i don't believe they do this out of feeling hurt by the accusation, but more so to deny the accusation as this is a direct threat which they do understand is an attempt to unravel and separate them from what they enjoy most.

candleinahurricane · Newbie

IME my dh lied all of the time. With him it became a habit to just lie. I guess it was easier than facing the truth. He would lie about things that make absolutely no sense to lie about. And then he'd get caught, apologize and then do it again. It was a horrible cycle and we are just now working through it.

My dh also didn't admit he was an addict for a very long time. Then once we were talking about his use he just said "I was addicted". It took a long time for him to come to terms with the fact that he was no longer just using for fun, but that it had control over his life, his thoughts, his actions.

jaysbaby · Resident

My husband only admits to drinking beer. He gets 2 checks a month for permanent Worker's Comp, because he was hurt in the line duty. He cashes his checks and burns through his money. I end up paying all the bills without him ever contributing. When I confront him about where his money is going, and if he is buying Cocaine, he denies it and says "I don't know where my money is going" He is seriously in denial. Its unbelieveable. Then he gets mad when I accuse him of blowing his money on Coke.

Today I called Adult Protective Services hoping that they can do some type of intervention before I have my husband committed into a dual diagnosis program at a psych hospital. This type of service will render a social worker to pay him a home visit to assist him with seeking help, because he is disabled and unable to handle his money responsibly, nor can his family or friends help him. I'm so sick and tired of his DENIAL!

I'm struggling financially and he rather sit around and watch me handle the burden instead of chippping in, because he's worried about paying for his next hit! So draining. Did I mention I was taking Valiums for my nerves?

flaggin · Helping Hand III

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Did I mention I was taking Valiums for my nerves?

so now you have put yourself in a drug dependancy situation as you take on your husbands problem of which he is in denial. what is the value in that?

flaggin

flaggin · Helping Hand III

actually. let me correct myself there, as you state, 'you were' taking valium. none the less, is it really worth the hardship of taking on his problem? what will your next step be if intervention fails?

flaggin

jaysbaby · Resident

No, I don't like taking Valiums or anything like antidepressants. I took Valiums the other day for the first time, and I didn't like it, so I won't be taking it anymore.

This intervention is the last step before I have him committed, then divorce. He cannot say that I walked away not giving a damn or standing by his side. I've stood by him through the pain, and abuse, and now I have to get out of this, because he doesn't see the error in his ways...

flaggin · Helping Hand III

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I've stood by him through the pain, and abuse, and now I have to get out of this,

you have a handle on this. it has to stop somewhere. if it is not going to stop through him, then it needs to stop through you. i know ending a relationship with someone you love is never an easy thing. breaking off a relationship with someone you love who is consumed by drugs is even more difficult. the dr. jeckle and mr. hyde in your man is like a knife that cuts deep into your heart and twists and turns to cause the maximum of pain. but you have the power to minimize that pain. always put yourself first in a situation such as this. know that his relationship with the drug is probably more meaningful than the relationship with you.

if you do read everything on this site you will know that there are very few stories of success whether written by the addict or the loved one of an addict. the choice is yours.

flaggin

screwmaster · Resident

I was not an addict either I just enjoyed smelling it. (I thought that was funny at one time) Good for you for stop taking the Valiums they are addictive as well. I think you should leave for awhile, once alone I think he will see the truth and then and only then will he seek help.

jaysbaby · Resident

If it were only that easy. I have told him repeatedly that we need a "break" and he needs time alone. There have been numerous times where I have gotten me and my daughter dressed to leave, and he will block the door or threaten suicide if I leave him. It's come to a point now, where I have to sneak and plan everything. He told me that having his first child will change him. I'm not so sure if a new baby will change him, but it seems he's looking for a way out.

screwmaster · Resident

I cannot speak from experience with regards to the child. But I did watch an old user buddy say this child is going to change him and his ways. This was his third child. He did not change. His wife was using as well. Anyways I just heard they are getting a divorce.

As far as the suicide goes, I have used that same line with my parents and still think about. I don't have the balls to it and if I was going to I would have. I don't think you should or can live life properly with husband and the way he is right now, this guy has some deep issues. Any time anything goes wrong I think he will probably use the same Line "I want to committ suicide"

Good Luck

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Jaysbaby,

Your husband's denial is typical of an addict that is not willing to admit that he has a problem. Perhaps he does not see it as a problem because he continues to have a roof over his head, food on the table and a warm place to sleep regardless of his actions and lack of want to contribute to your household in a responsible manner.

He likely is not going to change his way of thinking because he clearly is not feeling any adverse effects from his addiction.

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He cashes his checks and burns through his money. I end up paying all the bills without him ever contributing. When I confront him about where his money is going, and if he is buying Cocaine, he denies it and says "I don't know where my money is going" He is seriously in denial.

Consider that as long as you continue to allow him to avoid any financial household responsibility that he is free to continue feeding his addiction. As it stands now his spending habits effect you, more then your household, because you are filling in the gaps, taking responsibility for what should be a shared responsibility.

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I'm struggling financially and he rather sit around and watch me handle the burden instead of chipping in, because he's worried about paying for his next hit!

Whether it is for his next hit, or not is beside the point.
Absolutely, he is going to watch you struggle financially, because you are allowing him to do so.
There is no reason for him to step up to the plate because everything that he needs is being provided by you. The idea that he receives 2 checks from worker compensation per month and does not feel a need to contribute to the household is by far a larger issue then the turn table and collection of records at his Mother’s home.

Having a baby on the way is reason enough for you to begin to take control of the things that you DO have the power of changing. Babies have needs, and those needs require planning and income to meet those needs. Consider that if you are going to be raising this baby alone, that you may as well tackle it with out the added expense of a third party who is not willing to share the responsibilities. When you begin to focus on what you need to do to take care of, and protect your own best interest, as well as the child you are about to bring into this world . Consider if you plan on being able to take time off after the birth of your baby, how this is to be accomplished if your household is dependant on only the income that you provide to your family?

I feel like instead of wasting your breath calling him a coke addict, that there are some far more pressing concerns that you should both be seriously consider bringing to the forefront of discussion. Sincere questions that will allow you to determine what role this man intends to take part in as far as being a responsible parent, husband and partner. The time for him to step up to the plate is not after the baby arrives, but now in order to prepare for the needs that this child is going to present to the two of you when it does arrive. Is he willing to make a commitment to you and his child, or allow you to continue struggling while he continues to not know where his cash is going.

As you begin to put things in a healthier perspective for yourself and your baby, you will definitely being putting the burden of his addiction where it rightfully belongs. Consider opening communication about what he feels may be workable solutions that are in the best interest of everyone concerned. Let him know if you are not willing to continue to carry the burden alone, and that if you must carry it alone, you are willing to master it alone. Additionally, with the responsibility of a baby on the way, and in interest of your own mental health that NO ONE rides for free.

Consider that you have now asked him to actively participate by offering him a choice as to how things unfold from this point forward. I feel that if you can appraoch this in a calm and respectful manner allowing him time to digest the true reality of the questions that you are asking that there is a chance that you can begin communicating in a positive way. Worse senario is that he blows you off, which would then let you know exactly where you and baby filter into to his priorities.

As far as the suicide threats, I would never tell anyone to take it lightly. I would think that just the idea that he threatens suicide would be enough for you to report it to the proper authorities as soon as it is threatened. If he is serious, I feel like this would bring him the help he needs. If he is using threats of suicide to manipulate your emotions, I feel that having to under go a manditory psychiatric evaluation each and every time he suggest killing himself would make him twice about how serious of a threat he is using to control you.

Just some food for thought ...

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle