I had been drinking for a couple of years and could not handle hangovers , after a heavy thursday night of drinking with some of my new work friends my dad dragged me out of bed and demanded that i went to work as he was still not happy at the fact that his 16 year old son had been out drinking in pubs with people years older than me and as my boss was all so a friend of his he wasnt gonna let me take the piss when he had gonna me the job in the first place.
As you can imagine i was pretty feel pretty rough banging headache and throwing up.
I was almost at the point of going home after 2 hours of he|l when 1 of the lads who i hadnt really evey spoke to told me he had something that would make be feel better again... cocaine
I knew nothing about the drug and had only every smoked pot a couple of times ,he gave me a line which made me feel better within 10 minutes.
I felt on top of the world ! then after 1 hour i was feeling sick again so it was at that point i bought my first gram.£40
I made it through the day but opened a box that till this day i cant seem to shut the lid on.
I spent the rest of the doing coke every now and again a gram here and there untill christmas when we all went out with work and everyone was doing it.I went home after spending £160 on coke and then more over christmas and new year.
Id spent over £400 and at that point i was hooked, i was now 17 years old and was earning £150 per week which untill now had been going into my bank account where i had saved £2000 in my first year of work.
I was spending £100 a week on coke and no one knew a thing about it, no parants no friends no one.
I was hanging around with the wrong crowd a much older crowd that were mainly in there mid 20's , they had partys did coke sold coke, i thought they were cool at the time and had everything going for them.
By the age of 18 id spent every penny i had inculding £150 of the £200 i was now getting at work and people were starting to ask qustions.
I took out loans from the bank with high interest to cover my tracks but having large sums of money in my bank just made me want to get more coke and thats what i did.
I spent £1500 in a week ! on *censored f-->ing coke!
This just got worst and worst.
By the age of 21 id owed the bank £17.000
Id told all to my mum and dad and was in rehab
I had all the surport i needed but i just kept doing it !
I managed to get clean for afew months then me and my best mate bought a house (well he did, i just rented a room) things were looking good untill i returned to work after 6 months of rehab.
I still stayed clean for a futher 3 months but then just gave in!
At that point i lost every i tried to kill myself and was in
hospital for 1 week.
My mate through me out, most of my mates ditched me , i lost my job and my dad and sister turned there back on me.
I moved in with my mum who at the time hated my guts but she brought me back from the dead, gave me a new lease of life and i was finally clean and wanted to be too!
My dad and sister started to speak to me after a year or so.
I met the girl of my dream and i was up front about my past from the begining we have been together for the past 5 years and are getting married a 2 years.
Problem.
new years eve 2005 i was in a car crash, and got a pay out of £2500 for my injurys.
Not sure why but when i got that money i just wanted to treat myself to something and there was a new lad started at my new work place who i had just found out was a drug dealer and after the first time i spoke to him i just came out and asked him for some.
I got an 8th
Didnt feel to bad after it and moved on.
April 2007 - my sister was raped then 11 days later my uncle died from cancer.
I was so full of anger.. full of pain and i wanted revenge.
I was drinking alot at home and plotting something nasty for the monster that attacked my sister which was sure to land me in trouble and i just couldnt understand why my family didnt want me to do it, i can see now that it would of ment prison for me but i felt i couldnt be around my family at that time so started going to pub and at the end of another drunken week day a spotted the person from work in the car park making a deal.
I went outside and again bought drugs off him and was till the end of the year when he left.
I stopped using for a moth or so untill i became friends with a big time major dealer who for the past 6 months has been giving me the drug.
Ive confessed to my mum whats been going on and she wants to help me and has also told me that it will stay just between me and her.
My life is in danger of ending if my girlfriend was to find out about this and my family and friends wouldnt never give me a 3rd chance!!
I havent used for 2 days now and am really feeling the cravings kicking in! ive been doing 2 grams a day for the last month.
Even as iam typing this iam thinking about picking up.
What i really need is to hear from you guys about different ways in which you handle your cravings.
What works for you?
Before i had nothing to loss but things are different now and i have to get my life back on track.
Welcome to Cocainehelp.org
Thank you for sharing your story. You have found a good place for information and support.
I cannot tell you what to do about cravings...I've never used cocaine. My b/f has a crack and alcohol addiction.
I have a question for you about keeping secrets. I do understand that you have a lot to lose if friends and family who have put up with all kinds of
crap related to your addiction, are not willing to deal with it one more time....but being where I am....I have to ask the question. How good is a relationship if you can't be honest? Isn't hiding things part of the pattern of addiction? In order to break the pattern wouldn't honesty with the important people in your life be an important step in recovery?
Maybe it is something your friends and family would prefer not to deal with, but consider that by being honest with them, you are giving them the respect that they deserve. By being honest with them you are allowing them to make a choice about what they want to do. By being honest with them and allowing them to make the choice....you are finding out, who you can count on....and when you have a craving or are running into a familiar pattern....the people who you can call for help.
Who are your life lines? Who are the people willing to help you pull yourself up out of the pit you are in? Only you can decide what you need to do get off and stay off the drug....but sometimes you would be suprised at the response you get when you ask for help and show consistent effort by asking for help each time you need it.
We all need help. We all have problems. Next time you have a craving....call a friend who doesn't use...and talk about anything. If you aren't thinking about the drug...you aren't thinking about the drug.
Hi and welcome,
This is how I have dealt with cravings, first I talk to someone about it usually G0D and then a human being that I trust, if I don't talk about it, it will fester in my mind and grow until I eventually pick up. There is no shame in admitting you are having a craving. Also when a craving hits I play the tape through, for me if I get high the next thing I will do is empty my bank accounts, then I will start doing crime to keep my habit up this is for crack (my drug of choice) then I will alienate everyone who loves and cares for me, I will become a liar a thief an outcast, by this time I will be hiding from the law. Eventually I will start using heroin to calm my nerves and try and get some sleep. Then I will become ruthless and careless. I will no doubt be wired to heroin again as well as crack so I'll be doing twice as much crime. If I don't end up in jail shaking it rough I'll be back in detox hating myself and thinking about how I once again let down my family and friends because I chose to give in to that one craving. That's the tape I play out.
You see I am only as sick as my secrets. Secrets get me loaded. I don't mean keeping a confidence or something private between friends, but if I use and don't tell or if I drink or smoke weed and don't talk about it with someone I trust or even on this forum, the likelihood of me picking up the drug of my choice is high.
That's how I stay clean, I pray, I talk about it and I play the tape through to the end, not just to the part where I call the dealer and get high and get stuck on stupid and forget about the consequenses. Unfortunately, I have paid a high price and I never want to go back again. I can only stay clean with the help of G0D and I ask for HIS help everyday and I thank HIM everyday for another day that I have made it clean.
This is just one way. The way I have managed to stay clean. I also have gratitude to day. If you don't have gratitude you have attitude. Just before my last relapse my "normie" girlfriend Bonnie said to me "Tas you are losing your gratitude" I looked at her and said "Gratitude shmatitude" and three days later I was high and keeping it a secret from her.
It is no wonder you are having a rough go today. day 3 is always rough, it is when the cocaine is out of your body and your brain wants more. I always hated day three. For years I always convinced myself I did not have a problem on day three because for two days I could go without. Day three was when I would reward myself with a treat. That is an addict brain at it's finest.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Let me get this right,Are you trying to tell this person how to control cocaine use,because if this is the case,let me be the first to tell u this is the crazzest thing Ive heard in awhile and Ialmao.
Like Jenni, I have never used cocaine, but I have a loved one that has used to levels that I would have never imagined. Today he is clean, sober and back on track.
It is good that you have confided in someone(your Mom), take her willingness to support you in finding a better direction and consider being open with her when you are having a difficult time NOT picking up in order to use.
Anything that can keep you busy long enough for the cravings to subside is worth trying. Having someone that you are accountable to that knows what you are struggling with can help if you allow then to be on a position to do so. In order for this to work in my opinion you need to be as honest and open with them, especially when the urge to use is present.
Hang in there Mike, and please keep reading and posting....
Pauly ~ I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Consider that a snake can be beautifully colored, but can be twice as deadly as it is beautiful. Choosing to play with it "even a little" leaves you vunerable to it's poison ....
Any time that you use,
You feed the addiction.
Whether you feed it a little,
or a lot the cycle continues,
and so does the addiction ...
as long as it(Addiction) is fed,
it still has the controls.
The only way to put an end to the cycle of addiction is to STOP using period.
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Grumpy, everyone has there opinions, and the only way anyone is ever going to learn here IS by being real. I know what you say here is ugly, but sometimes that's what it takes. Quitting absolutely involves friends, people supporting you, anything that restores self esteem. But I promise every new, newer, experienced user, lifer, and never-have used supporter that its going to take more to get someone to quit that a someone who cares about you holding your hand. Please don't take that wrong. Caring people around you is imperative. But we are talking about an Angel of he|l here. A drug so powerful and inviting, mind altering, that it takes your life and soul right from you without you ever knowing. No one on this site still using likes what they do. No one is proud. They are depressed. It's so sad that it usually takes someone losing everything they have ever loved to make themselves quit. Because the only thing lower than rock bottom is death. Users that want to quit need to hear it all. They need to see where they are going, so maybe they don't get to that point.
Grumpy, i can relate to where you are coming from personally. I'm a DJ at an adult club. Like the tattoo industry, cocaine is a habit thats almost accepted. Lots of easy money and plenty connections. I know alot of tattoo artists that use. I struggle personally because I can't quit the job, that's all I can do. People don't understand this usually and that makes it hard to get help let alone even listen alot of times. he|l, people don't usually like guys like us even when we are clean and sober. I've had a ten year habit, but quit for 3 in that ten years, so im experiencing my second go here at this addiction. I've never once used at work, and usually never during the day. It's crazy how i can be as f**cked up as ever, yet still keep control enough to function and work. Grumpy, it's made me delusional and crazy as well, and i too am in a process of hoping to find a little professional help on my own. I don't know you but if you are anything like me you probably know more than likely you are going to have to do this alone. I feel you bro and wish u strength and luck.
To everyone else, remember this is just one man's opinion based on his own experiences. Many may not agree based on theirs. But i do believe we are here to learn. It's why im here. I'd be willing to bet that self cleansing path is different everytime. So really, if anyone else has an opinion or question that might help me, them, you, or anyone for that matter, he|l just let us know. Peace and respect to all,
-C
Paul,we all say things were sorry for,no biggy.I think if there was a way to have some control in a persons cocaine use ,the book of rules would have been written long ago and sold millions of copies.
Hugs diane
All is well and good. I agree with Chase and Diane that everyone has a right to their opinion as well there own way of doing things. I also try to give due respect to where a person is coming from when they post.
I just could not let your statements go without a rebuttal from my point of view.
Hang in there,
Strength and Peace to you,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Paul,
I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing and being so brutally honest. Please stick around there are so many people here that have suffered like you and can relate to your pain. I feel you man. I feel you.
Dope can only numb the pain for so long, eventually there is not enough dope or booze to take it away. Dope will kill you. Feelings won't. Put down the dope. Feel the feelings. Go through the pain and come through the other side. We cannot change our pasts. What is done is done. Hoping for a better past only keeps us trapped in that pain.
Glad your still here and feel comfortable posting
and sharing your story.
Sometimes we feel we are doing the best we can by
holding things in when the best thing we can do it
GET IT OUT in the open where we can effectively deal
with what is troubling us.
It might be that we were not in a position
to deal with them at the time and we keep our
feelings guarded under lock and key.
Glad you found this site. You know many of us
come with additional carry on baggage that
contributes and helps make up who we are and
how we relate things.
Hopefully we can all learn how to deal with
that baggage in a way that helps us to grow
from those experiences in a positive light.
Anastasia is right in that you may be able to temporarily numb the pain, but it is still there when the drug wears off. Instead of working through the things that trouble us, so many times we end up adding another layer and our burdens seem only to grow and our unhappiness continues.
This site has been a great help to me in dealing with my ghost from my past. Hopefully it will work for you as well.
Wishing you the Best,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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