Post subject: Spouse's Cocaine Use Has Robbed Me Of My Life
I want to start by saying how thankful I am to have found this site. Until now I have had many people offer support and advice, but NO ONE had lived through it like I have. It feels wonderful to know that I'm not all alone.
I apologise in advance but this is going to be a loooooooong post.
I have been with my highschool sweetheart for 16 years. We literally grew up together. We have two children, aged 14 and 4, and were envied by so many for having such a wonderful life.
10 years ago we hit a rough patch and split up for a year. When he came home, he brought a cocaine addiction along with him. He hadn't been using for long and managed to quit and stay clean for 10 years. What I know now that I didn't then was that he never felt it was that much of a problem, and used it in social situations once every 6 months or so.
For the last year and a half I have had a feeling that things weren't right, but could not put my finger on it. He had changed from a sweet, patient man to one with a short temper who didn't want to be around us much. He was always out with friends. Drinking all the time. Smoking pot all day. I ignored the little voice that was telling me things were NOT okay.
He started to come home on Friday nights and pick fights, then he would leave and not come home for a day or two. He started hanging out with different people and his old friends fell by the wayside. He sometimes threatened me and got violent. Not hitting me, but pushing me around and yelling right in my face.
I still figured I had things under control and that all I had to do was make more of an effort. He blamed me for all of his problems and told me that if I didn't nag him so much about where he was going and with who that he would not have to drink so much or smoke so much pot.
A few months ago I got a phone call from him at 5:30 in the morning. When I asked how much cocaine he was using he denied any use at all. I ended up driving around looking for him in my pjamas, only to find him passed out cold in a parking lot beside a highway. When I got him home he was angry and beligerant, and I had to call the police to take him out of the house. The next day I laid down the law to him, told him I knew about the cocaine use and that all use of everything (alcohol, pot, etc) had to stop and stop now. He agreed and like a fool I actually believed it would happen.
I noticed that he kept drinking and smoking pot, but I figured that those were relatively harmless compared to cocaine so I didn't say much. But he just kept using more and more. Later I found out that often he would drink and smoke pot to try to come down a bit off the cocaine.
By the time Christmas came I realized things were out of my hands. I tried to put on a happy face and give the kids a good Christmas. It was very hard.
Early in January he started another fight with me and left, and this time I decided I was going to go hunt for evidence of his using. I went out to the shed to see if there might be pawn tickets but couldn't find anything. What I DID see was that his tools were gone. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth. And they had all been there the week before. I ran into the house to check my jewlery box and saw that it was completely empty. All the jewlery had been there the week before also. I panicked and called his mom and dad. Together, we went through the house and shed, and found all his pawn tickets. The most disturbing things were that he had pawned my engagement ring, and my son's Christmas present (a new digital camera), TWO DAYS after Christmas.
My heart sank. I'm not going to lie here, if it had only been me he had been stealing from then I honestly can't say for certain that I would be leaving. But realizing that my children were being stolen from was one of the most heart wrenching moments of my life. I made the decision that I needed to keep them safe. The next night, when he slunk back home I sat him down and told him we were moving out.
I have a week to go before I can move to the new place and in the weeks since the pawn ticket incident he has gone from blaming me and the whole world for his problem to realizing that there IS a problem and that he alone got himself addicted.
Still, even though that's a good start, he is not the person that I once knew. When I talk to him I see that his eyes are dead...his body full of drugs. He tells me things I want to hear but I can see that it's not sincere. His mind is somewhere else. Thinking about how to get the next high?
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to live through and it was harder still to start to open up to friends and family, especially after having shut everyone out to protect myself from being exposed. I have spent the last year cutting myself off from everyone and everything, trying to deny what was happening. And although it feels good to finally come clean about things, the advice I get (although well intentioned) is from people who can't possibly understand the situation.
And some people look down on him and aren't shy to voice that opinion. Most of those people I know have also used cocaine socially. The thing I want to scream is that the only difference between them and him is that they are extremely lucky. It's not a matter of being weak. It's the luck of the draw and that's it.
I've had to sit my son down and talk openly and honestly which was one of the hardest things I have done. I've told him that I can see at least one positive thing in all this and that's if he is ever offered cocaine he has the advantage of knowing first hand what trying it can do. His friends might not be so lucky.
I am having a hard time trying to help my spouse, help my children, and reorganize our lives. I feel very sad sometimes that there is no one to notice that I'm a victim too.
Some days I feel very positive, while most times I want to run out into the street, screaming at the unfairness of it all. I try to always look at the positive in life and treat others with respect and dignity. But right now I'm soooo mad...wondering where in the he|l my karma is? What I've done to deserve this life.
And I'm so, so afraid to leave. I know that I have to and we will ultimately be better off, but I also have the foresight to see that my spouse is going to ruin his life and he doesn't see or care what's coming. I am filled with guilt at abandoning him at the one time in his life he really needs someone.
I'm so scared that he will end up dead and although the logical half of me realizes that is a possibility and it wouldn't really be my fault, the fear and the guilt is still there.
I'm so grateful to have found other people who can truly understand and relate to my life. Thank you for reading.
melly,
i read your post and i can relate with you so much on how you feel.
my story is so similar to yours but i kicked my x out and chose to stay in my home. its been tough but ive worked my butt off to pay all the bills. i was awarded my home home in my divorce which was just last tues. it took a year and a month but im now divorced at 47 years old.......something i never ever wanted at this point in my life. but i cannot live with an addict who betrayed me for so long behind my back. he too has a dead look in his eyes....not the man i loved so much for all those years.how could a good looking hard working great dad turn into a what he has!!! but stay strong for your kids and i know you know the right thing to do..it IS hard, but you sound strong....do the right thing.......he will take you down with him if you dont do what you are doing. mine has ruined all of his credit,he has NOTHING left. the house was the last to go and it was such a good feeling when he signed it over to me at court.now i know a lien could not go on it from all the debt hes made for himself. ggod luck to you, i too was not aware of how many of us are in the same situation and how many of us have been conned and fooled from the messed up life of an addict.
Tracy
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
You have come to a good place!
I know how I felt the first time I found this site.
It does indeed make a difference to know that
there are others that can relate to your situation.
There is a wealth of information contained in this
site that can help you place and keep things in a
healthy perspective.
I know how easy it to feel guilty, and that you although
you may feel that you are abandoning your loved one,
Know that it is your actions that may awaken him to the
true reality of the situation.
As you continue to educate yourself about addiction,
you will learn that it is so very often necessary for an addict
to feel the adverse effects of thier addiction before they are
able to realize that their is a problem and that thier life is in crisis.
Quote:
I have a week to go before I can move to the new place and in the weeks since the pawn ticket incident he has gone from blaming me and the whole world for his problem to realizing that there IS a problem and that he alone got himself addicted.
I personally feel that you are on the right track. Look at the
directions that you have chosen as a positive step for every-
one concerned. You say that he now realizes that he does have
a problem. This coming after he learned that you would be moving
to another location. Your need to leave to protect yourself and
you children from his addiction issues is a good example of something
that has surfaced as a result of his addiction. Consider for a moment
the cause and effect of what is taking place here and know that you
have not only made a decision to make a positive change in your situation,
but one that has opened him to the idea that there is indeed a problem.
Allowing him some time to evaluate his situation in earnest may be a slow
process, but definately one in the right direction.
As someone that has experienced similarities in dealing with a loved one
in addiction, I would not look at it that you are abandoning him. You
are changing the situation by taking charge of the things that you
are capable of changing. Improving the situation for your children,
and yourself with the hope that your loved one will in time seek changes
that only he is capable of making happen.
In the event that your loved one is not willing to change, you will
have already secured yourself and your children in a better
environment that will allow you to better deal with the situation
having already set a reasonable distance from his addiction issues.
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
A lot has happened since I wrote last. An intervention between my husband, his parents and I managed to break down the barriers a little. He finally was willing to get help, just not to make the effort himself. His mother took out her life savings to send him to Edgewood, which is supposedly one of the best treatment centres in North America. I escorted him to the door. He is there as I write this, and his counsellor reports that he is working VERY hard.
Part of the treatment at Edgewood is the In-site program, which helps the families of the addict recognize that the entire family becomes dysfunctional, and that this is a very normal thing...it's survival. I spent a week there doing INTENSE therapy and I can honestly say that it changed my life and was the single best gift I have ever given myself.
I know there are no guarantees that my husband will stay clean (recovery tends to be a very bumpy road), but whether he does or does not, I can be free of guilt and shame surrounding his use, and ultimately be healthy either way. And most importantly, I now recognize all the enabling I was doing and can hopefully change my own behavior. It's going to be a long bumpy road for both of us but I really feel hope for the first time in a long time. Hope for my family, and hope for myself, no matter what my husband is or is not doing.
Melly, Your story sounds very similar to many others on this site and people I have met during the course of my recovery. I hope Edgewood works out for him and yourself. You sound very strong. I commend you on telling your son the truth and finding the positive.
Sometimes I read a great book to help me out and to keep me positive it's title "Oh,the Places You'll Go" By Dr.Seuss.
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