Post subject: Sweet Husband but Coke User - What's My Role?
This is my first post to this site. I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have a really great relationship. We laugh and spend a lot of time with family. It's just me and him now but we talk a lot about a baby and what a great addition that would be to our family. We live paycheck to paycheck. I'm a teacher and he works at two hotels. He works 7 days a week and the stress for him is pretty bad. I knew that he took Cocaine before we got married but I never SAW him do it. The only proof that I have had in the past 10 YEARS is I found tiny ziploc baggies three different times. We have separate checking accounts (one is for household and me), the account from his second job is for him. He contributes just enough to the bills but no more - although he does TALK a lot about contributing more. His mom lives in PR and he wants to see her, he drives a 95 car and wants a new one. He wants so many things but refuses to use HIS money and I refuse to allow him to use the household money bc we can't afford it. My DH is the opposite of an abusive man. He treats me like a queen. We rarely argue. Usually about my suspicions. I know the difference between a drunk husband and a high one. I read the stories on this site and get a sick feeling. Is this going to be me? My DH is 44 years old. He's been around the block and then some. Is his drug use going to interfere with my desire to have a child (I'm 35 already!). I love him with all my heart and he loves me so much. I know the drugs have gotten a hold of him and I don't know how to beat them. He's only admitted it over the past year (he says he doesn't do it often - only as a celebration). He takes $160 out of his bank acct every two weeks and won't tell me where it goes. IS that enough for cocaine? I have to admit - I'm ignorant about drug use as I've never used. I think his drug use is one of the main reasons he's incapable of giving me a child (yes - erectile dysfunction) that and his weight (he's about 75 lbs over). I'm worried he's going to have a heart attack. Any advice for two people with a great marriage with this one problem? DO I threaten to leave (I have threatened but he knows I won't walk). Help.
First of all, $160 every two weeks is plenty of money to stay high. Not demanding to know where it goes gives him permission to spend it on drugs. I am afraid you are in denial, because you know what is going on. The erectile dysfunction probably means he is using quite a bit. I have been married for 22 years and my husband is also addicted to coke. I don't want to sound mean, but DON'T have a child with this man. You would be better off single. My child is 16 and chronically ill... and while my husband works, pays the bills, he has continued to put himself and his addiction before anything else. We are currently separated but I depend on him for health insurance etc. Don't get caught in that position. You may think you have a great marriage but you are married to a substance... take that away and I bet things get miserable very quickly. Just speaking from experience. I wish you the best of luck.
My advice is that you talk to him about what your feelings are and what you desire out of the relationship. It is important what he says and more important what he does. If you both can compromise (or not compromise) It isn't anyone elses business. This is you guys relationship and I believe it is a mistake to allow anyone outside of the relationship to influence the decisions made in the relationship or anything about the relationship.No one can fore tell the future of your relationship. Good Luck!
I am not in denial at all. I know what is going on And has been going on for years. It seems as I get older, I get braver. When I first started being suspicious of him, I wouldn't say a word bc I was afraid he'd leave me. I certainly don't want him to leave (he's so good to me) but I've learned to watch out for me. He can't get to the "bill money" bc he doesn't have access to that account. He's not abusive by any means. He's never left me and been out "all night". I can't even guarantee that he's a "user" bc I've never seen anyone high before to be able to tell. I've discussed my feelings with him and he promises that he'll make things right. I don't really know what he does when I'm not around though. Am I being totally oversuspicous? As for the ED, he is 44 and 75 lbs overweight and a smoker. Couldn't that cause it? I have no idea what to do. What if I'm ALL WRONG here and he's not using all the time. Have I soured him against me for accusing him of something he hasn't done? He never says yes or no. He says he can handle himself that he's a grown man. I know I mean more to him than anything but what if I'm right and he is on coke and he can't be honest with me bc of what the drug does to him? I had a heart to heart with him this morning. I don't want to become a nagging wife and drive him to it bc he's stressed with two jobs and a nagger. Is any marriage simple? Is this my cross to bare? Do I separate two people who are in love bc I'm suspicious? Do I demand all his money so I"ll know FOR SURE that he's not doing anything wrong or do I trust a man who loves me?
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Posted:Feb 24, 2008 - 05:57 PM
This is my first post to this site. I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have a really great relationship. We laugh and spend a lot of time with family. It's just me and him now but we talk a lot about a baby and what a great addition that would be to our family. We live paycheck to paycheck. I'm a teacher and he works at two hotels. He works 7 days a week and the stress for him is pretty bad. I knew that he took Cocaine before we got married but I never SAW him do it. The only proof that I have had in the past 10 YEARS is I found tiny ziploc baggies three different times. We have separate checking accounts (one is for household and me), the account from his second job is for him. He contributes just enough to the bills but no more - although he does TALK a lot about contributing more. His mom lives in PR and he wants to see her, he drives a 95 car and wants a new one. He wants so many things but refuses to use HIS money and I refuse to allow him to use the household money bc we can't afford it. My DH is the opposite of an abusive man. He treats me like a queen. We rarely argue. Usually about my suspicions. I know the difference between a drunk husband and a high one. I read the stories on this site and get a sick feeling. Is this going to be me? My DH is 44 years old. He's been around the block and then some. Is his drug use going to interfere with my desire to have a child (I'm 35 already!). I love him with all my heart and he loves me so much. I know the drugs have gotten a hold of him and I don't know how to beat them. He's only admitted it over the past year (he says he doesn't do it often - only as a celebration). He takes $160 out of his bank acct every two weeks and won't tell me where it goes. IS that enough for cocaine? I have to admit - I'm ignorant about drug use as I've never used. I think his drug use is one of the main reasons he's incapable of giving me a child (yes - erectile dysfunction) that and his weight (he's about 75 lbs over). I'm worried he's going to have a heart attack. Any advice for two people with a great marriage with this one problem? DO I threaten to leave (I have threatened but he knows I won't walk). Help.
