this is my first post but i need advice badly

mercedez151 · Newbie

ok so here i am i was browsing some info about cocaine and this poped up along with thousands of others so heres my dilemma i am 20 years old and me and my boyfriend have been together a year now he is 32 years old when i met him a year ago he was on cocaine for a while and i didnt find out till i started liking the guy so i told him he had to quit or we would have to no longer see each other i remember we would be on dates and he would excuse himself to the restroom and always be blowing his nose and then ne day i noticed blood comming out of it and me being that i have never used a drug in my life i didnt knwo the signs till one day someone told me what he was doing so i told him we could no longer see each other if he continued to use so he claimed he would stop well he had 2 slip ups right after that like that month and i threated to leave him so ever since then he has been clean but about a month ago i found a ziplock mini bag with powder residue in it and i asked him what the he|l was this doing in my house and he said his friend left it so i gavehim the benifit of the doubt and let it go so now just this wednesday i found another one and i seen how he was acting he was real talkative and he didnt eat his dinner and he was up all night he denied it and kept saying i was crazy well i made him sleep on the couch to soften him up and then finally he admitted that he had been using again every weekend for the past two months and wednesday he was high he missed work thursday and i am pregnant with our son and i have been going thru he|l with him about this lately i dont know what to do how to get him help i dont want him using anymore but what if he continues i have no where to go and i am carrying his child

Admin · Site Admin

I assume, that you are asking what is your line of action should be.
However, I would want to know your husband ideas on what he should do. Did you talk about it? What is his plan of actions?

Jenni · Helping Hand I

Mercedez, Welcome to the site. I feel for you. What a tough situation you are in, and so young. Like Gene, I would also want to know what he thinks he should do? I am interested in his plan of action but more interested in his attitude about his use and willingness to follow through on any plan of action he comes up with.

You need to think about yourself....your son and what you need. Do you need a partner who is going to lie to you? Who is going to put you through he|l while you are pregnant? What about after your son is born? What evidence do you have that the situation is moving toward something that is acceptable for you and your child? What evidence do you have that your b/f wants to stop using and is willing to do what it takes.

Never ever think that if you have to, you will not be able to make it without him. You may need to make it with out him, for the sake of you and your son....and you can...and you will. I'm sure the scenario I'm talking about is not the ideal that you have dreamed of....I'm sure the current situation you are in, isn't either. I know so many strong resilient women who have found themselves raising their children on their own. You are not alone, and should you find yourself in a situation where you have to rely on yourself more than you ever thought you would....there are plenty of women out there doing the same and using each other as resources for support, so that they can get by and make great lives for themselves and their children.

Mercedez, I realize what I have written here might be upsetting, but I'm sure they are thoughts that have already run through your mind...especially given that not long ago you threatened to leave him.

Remember you and your son are number one. If he really wants help....it is out there for him....but he needs to move toward it. He has to help himself. We can support them in that, but they need to take the lead.

Good Luck, and best wishes for you.

mercedez151 · Newbie

Admin wrote:

I assume, that you are asking what is your line of action should be.
However, I would want to know your husband ideas on what he should do. Did you talk about it? What is his plan of actions?

well he feels and cried out to me that he wants help but now after some days have past he is claiming that he doesnt need professional help that for his son he will stay clean that all he wants to do is be happy and raise our son but im not buying it i believe thats what he wants but if he has been doin it for ten years and knowing that i said once we got into a relationship that if he does it agian i would leave i feel betrayed because he put his whole family on the line because what if i woulda left him and moved away and never let him see his son because of the bad example he is he says thats messed up on my part but i think i am right,......i havent been close to him since because the only picture in my head is him lying to me and sitting in our bathroom with cocaine in his hand snorting it.............i think he wants to change but that he wont

mercedez151 · Newbie

jenni,
as i said to gene i think he wants to change but he wont....i love this man with my entire heart and want to see him do well but i think with out professional help he might be clean for another 6 months or so like before but go right back into it

Asadwife · Resident

Mercedez,

Only talking from my own experience. Sobriety only comes with help and a lot of it. Drugs are a monster that never dies. Willpower alone is only a small dart and will not keep the monster down for long.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Mercdez,

His wanting to stop, and his willingness and commitment to stop are two different things. He can want all day long, but if willingness and commitment does not follow "want", he is going nowhere in terms of sobriety.

Do consider what it is you can, or can not accept in your relationship, especially with a little one on the way, then stick to your guns. What you are experiencing now will not get any easier if he continues to use.

Jenni is right, start taking care of you and that new baby to be. Definately encourage and support sobriety for your boyfriend, while letting him know that you are not accepting, nor will you support his continued addiction. Focussing on you and your new baby, may allow him the time that he needs to come up with a plan of action to face his addiction if he is truly wanting, willing and commited to not using.

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

Jenni · Helping Hand I

Quote:

well he feels and cried out to me that he wants help but now after some days have past he is claiming that he doesnt need professional help that for his son he will stay clean that all he wants to do is be happy and raise our son but im not buying it

I'm glad you aren't buying it, because this is the lie he is telling himself. He may honestly believe it, but the fact that he has backed off on what kind of help he wants is evidence that he is still spinning in the revolving door. What is he willing to do to stop? Anything....or only have his fantasy solution of ....oh, if I have a child I will stop and be responsible. What is he waiting for?

Maybe having a son, will be the thing that he needs to get himself together....the problem is....he thinks he can wait until the baby is born. He thinks that what he does now doesn't have an impact on "what will make him happy (having a family)" He is not thinking of you or the baby.

He thinks that the birth of the baby will be the magic bullet. Suddenly he will be able to do things differently. He is mistaken...recovery is a process that doesn't happen over night....but it won't do any good to tell him that...he will likely have to find out on his own...and he will, no doubt, be very dissappointed in himself when he finds that it isn't the magic bullet and he hasn't been able to stop. I hope he will face the challenge and not use his disappointment as an excuse to keep on spinning.

I would be interested in knowing his reasons for thinkinng he doesn't want professional help at this time? What has changed in the past few days, where he went from crying that he needed and wanting help...to not needing "professional help"?

I believe there are many paths to recovery. I don't know if professional help is necessary, but the odds are against him trying to tackle it on his own...and until he demonstrates a willingness to do whatever it takes, his chance of success is zero. In anycase it doesn't sound like he has had enough. I agree with you. I don't think he is ready or done. That being said....

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you and your son are doing. I hate for you to be undergoing all this stress. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Stick to your guns. Do what is best for Mercedez and son. You will always find support here. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

-Jenni