please help

smarie21 · Newbie

ok so im very new to this whole thing. i dont know if this will help me but iam realizing i cant do it on my own and no one else in my life knows about me doing cocaine. im 21years old just moved back home i work and go to school. i think its been about a month to 2 months since i started doing cocaine. i guess thats why i thought i didnt have a problem because i thought addiction took years. but i think i might have one. i have done it everyday. and im not really smart in the drug world so i really had no idea anything about cocaine i just honestly started doing it to lose weight and i was just going to only do a couple lines before i went to the gym to better my workouts. well then a couple lines wasnt enough. it went from a gram a week to a gram a day to now 2 grams a day. i have to know that i have enough at home waiting for me enough in my car to get me through the day and just extra or ill freak out. i usually try to plan it out tho. ill start doing at a certain time in the day and ill stop around 9-10 at night cause i hate doing all nighters..i freaking hate them it cost way to much and it drives me crazy sitting at home all night by myself just doing line after line. i dont eat.. ill eat like once a week. maybe during the day ill have a couple chips or something but thats it i dont even drink anymore nothing!! everyone that is close to me just thinks im sick like the flu. cause my nose is always running and when i dont do it my nose is so stuffy..im sure u guys know the drill..but neways im running out of money..this is why i have to stop. i spent all my student loan money on cocaine i just had like 2grand now i dont even think i have 200$ this is the sad thing this past weekend i just found out what a "come down" was..lol stupid right but ive heard of it but never knew my dealer would ask me hey wanna buy a blunt too ya know for your come down and im like nah weeds not my thing and hes like what do u do for your come down and i would just be like nothing cause ive never experienced one. i do cocaine always..its like apart of my life. and when i know i have to sleep or im not gonna do it..ill take sleeping pills or chug nyquil and just sleep.. then i wake up and do it again. ahhh idk im typing to much can someone please give me some advice. please. right now im at the point were i wanna break down and tell everyone but thats not fair i dont want my family to know its not there problem its mine and i want to fix it just the way i started it alone! sunday morning i bought 4 grams i havent touched it bc i was afraid id do it all an od. i wish i could sell it but i dont even know ne one and my one friend told me to throw it away but thats 200$ im not just gonna throw it away. i figure ill just finish this bag out and then quit???

excrackerjack · Tenant

Honey, Tell your family. Do it as soon as possible. Get help. Be resposible and answer to someone. You will be only as sick as your secret. You will find relief in talking about it. You may have started alone, stopping alone is very very hard. I hope there is at least one person you trust enough to talk to about this. You will find a great relief in being able to pick up the phone when you feel like using and be accountable to someone who can help distract you from using. Cocaine leaves your body within 72 hrs. If you can make it past day three the rest is mental addiction. Your mind will play every trick in the book to make you believe you have a handle on it. "hey if I can go three days without a line.... I must not really have a problem... I can afford to do a little.... I got a handle on it..." those kind of tricks.
You have found an excellent source of information, compassion and other people who have gone through and are going through the same thing as yourself.

Welcome, and good luck. Stick around.

Anastasia
Peace

:

chaseluv · Resident

Sounds pretty familiar. Believe me when I tell you it never gets better. I can do 2 8balls of coke easy in one binge. You better get scared while you still have your mind because I promise you it will change you. I started using 10 years ago and quit once on my own for about 3 years. While sober I hated everything about cocaine and everyone that pushed it. I looked at cokeheads as poor lost souls. It took one hardship in life to make me fall right back i that rut, and believe me, I am not a weak willed person. I thought I knew exactly what rock bottom felt like till the second time around made the first one look like a kiddie ride. I'm in the process right now of finding my way once again to self detox, and pray I learn from this, because I'm sure the third time doesn't end quite so well. You listen to what I say because I promise this is not what you want to be and is exactly where you are headed. I know what you feel like- QUIT.

smarie21 · Newbie

thank you guys so much i havent been able to talk to anyone and it feels good to know that someone understands me. it is very hard. i cant even concentrate because my mind is throwing a thousands thoughts around. but i havent done any since sat. so this would be day 3 im trying really hard. ive just been sleeping alot and just staying with my boyfriend because he would kill me if he ever found out. so iam too nervous and have too much anxiety to do it over his house. so will see what tomorrow brings. thanks again i appreciate the feedback =)

chaseluv · Resident

Flush whatever you have left, who czres about the money? Flush it.

smarie21 · Newbie

alot harder than im thinking...grrr well i guess im just going to be honest on here today i slipped..i did some today idk i just feel lost right now. i didnt do alot tho so i feel i have some control. its late tho so im gonna try n fall asleep ill update tomorrow night everyone =)

Admin · Site Admin

It is not easy, but it is hard as you make it hard.
Now, weight your reason to stop against your reason to use.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Smarie,

Welcome

Your honesty with yourself
and this forum is a good
beginning.

I am in agreement with Anastasia the difficulty in going this alone. Do consider who it is that you can confide. Having only yourself to answer to allows you a very long rope in which you will excuse yourself and continue using.

Don't fool yourself by thinking that because you use only a small amount that you have control. The only way to overcome your addiction is NOT using period.

Keep reading, posting and being honest. If you feel that you need help, please allow yourself to reach out to friends and family, or resources that can help you in gaining the support that you need to gain control of your situation.

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

meltdownsky · Tenant

...without a doubt, there is no such thing as limited or "casual" use once the addiction has been established. Any contact with the drug will take you back to ground zero, also continued use will lead to larger amounts in shorter periods of time as your tolerance for cocaine will make it harder to get high. Been there, done that...
This site is a great place to vent, face your demons, find people in simular situations or just realize what has become of yourself via other's stories. Every little bit will help in the battle you're now in...

smarie21 · Newbie

well everything about this situation is just hard for me to understand. i dont really know what to do. sometimes i feel like i have control and that it will be ok but i know that im just fooling myself. this past weekend was bad. i hate staying up all freaking night doing cocaine my mouth hurts, my nose burns..i dont understand why?? why would you choose to harm yourself, it doesnt make sense. i had to call off work sunday because i was so sick. i have a life. im in school and i work. why am i risking everything? i just dont get it.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear smarie,

Consider that until you get the help that you need, your situation is not likely to get better, but can create situations and take you to places that you never in your life intended to be....

Addiction is a difficult beast to battle let alone begin to understand it, especially while in active addiction. Your best judgement tells you that you need to stop, and your brain keeps nagging you to use. Each time you allow yourself to use the cycle of use continues pulling you further into your addiction. In order to stop, you must come up with a plan to break the cycle of using.

Please consider looking for resources in your area that offers the help that you need to gain control of the situation.

There are many people that don't ask why until they are sitting if the aftermath of having already lost everything that they have worked so hard to acheive in this life. Cocaine can take it all from you of you allow it do so... making a choice to take steps to gain back those controls is up to you. Caring about yourself enough to STOP using is up to you. If you don't take steps to help yourself, nothing will change and cocaine will continue to a constant part of your life that will greatly effect your future. Sobriety is yours if you want it, and are willing to work for it... You can do it !

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

slowzuki · Resident

If you do it a lot at home, move. Don’t let “place conditioning” suck you back in. Find shelter in a library away from all that is bad—keep your head in a book. You must change your environment! Do not go anywhere near where you have snorted!!! This is important.

Good luck!

And remember, Philosophy is the drug of those who don’t want to do drugs anymore!

Mr. X