A year ago i fell in love with a wonderful man! He is 35 i am 30 we have both been divorced for 3 years and have children from our ex marriages. I could write a very long post of the ups and downs of this relationship but will try to keep it short. I fell in love with a fun, smart, loving man but about 6 mths into knowing him i was left feeling confused and not sure why. Sometimes his stories didn't add up or i caught him in lies and he had a way of turning things around so i felt things were my fault or there were friends i heard of but he never introduced to me. My gut told me something was up but i could not figure it out. I had shared these feelings with him but he never really said much. I had also shared these feelings with one of his friends, who i guess felt for me, and he informed me that the man I loved was involved currently in cocaine. His friend felt bad about telling me some of the secrets i was unaware of. He told me that my boyfriend, is not an addict but a user from time to time.He told me he has been using for the last 15 years. Let me add, this freind who was telling me this admitted he was using too with him throught all this time
I don't do drugs and have never really been exposed to it. My instant reaction...I confronted him!! I was mad, angry, hurt and confused....He denied at first then finally admitted that he uses coke once and awhile, and it is not a adiction. He tells me its social and it has never affected his day to day life. So i accepted this and continued our relationship.
Skip into another 6 mths later and i have educated myself talking to others who use, have used, or have been in a relationship with drugs involved. This opened my eyes but a part of me denied he had a problem. I would talk to him about what i was learning from others experiences and how the ups and downs of our relationship started making sence to me, and i was not the problem,as he would try to blame me, but the drugs were.
Currently he still denies having a problem but i know he does! The lies, hurt, confusion, his mood swings, his sneeking around, me not being able to trust him have gotten to me! I relised i love myself to much to do this, and have currently ended the relationship (by the way we have split up many times before from lies ect but i always went back cuz he made me feel i was the problem) but this last situation we went through was it for me!!! Long story short.... he has been working far away for a few mths and we talked and missed eachother every day.... He said he only had 4 days off to come home, 2 he said he was spending with his kids, and 2 he was spending with me.... well i found out he had been in town 2 days earlier than he had told me, on a coke bender. When i confronted him he freaked out saying he lied to me cuz i wouldn't of understood that he needed to have a few days to "blow off some steam" from workin 12 hour shifts 24 days straight.
K my question to whom ever can help me..... I still love him . I see a wonderful smart loving man. It is so hard to understand the other side to him though, so i have left him. But being still in love with him and care so much for him ..... now that i am trying to move on .... who helps him?? He doesn't have a very close relationship with his family and most of his "friends" encourage the drug use. I really do think i am the only one in his life who is alot aware of this other side of him,and has confronted him, his parents deny it, his ex wife does too. He has been good at pulling the wool over the eyes of ones who love him......but not me....so do i forget him???? Leave him to figure it all out for himself (if he ever does)???? Is there anything i can do??? I have realized i can not have a trusting, healthy relationship with him , but can i still be his friend? Can I help this man who denies his drug use is a problem??? If it is possible to help how do i approch him now we are split up??? This last incident i chose to end things peacefully and not in anger, I wished him well, told him i loved him and we havent spoken in a week...
Well, What is his story? Does he ever tried to quit? You may help him to recognized that his drug use is a problem.
Quote:
What can i do now???
Intervention may help you to get him into the treatment.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
What he has said to me is.. he used lots of different drugs in his early 20's, and almost O.D once, and then when he found out a baby was on the way at 22 he "settled down" and would only use coke from time to time , at a party/socially.
From what i heard he was doing a pretty good job of the family life for 10 years, then the divorce happenened and he started using more, cuz he had time away from the family to do more plus stress, then i came into the picture 3 years after the divorce and he told me it had been mths since he last used and he doesen't need to do it. I obviously told him i have never had any type of use with drugs and never will! So 6mths into the relationship, after the friend told me about him, and i confronted him, he still says he has no problem and gets mad at me for bringing up drugs or any thoughts i may have on him using. He says he has never been addicted, that he can get up and work everyday, and it doesen't affect his life, its only social. I tell him of others experience i hear of that totally relates to him and he freaks out on me and says he doesen't care what anyone else says. Is there any way of helping if he denies that he even has a problem
Addmiting u have a problem is the first step and sounds like he is in denial.U can only help him if he wants help and again sounds like he dont want to admit to a problem.Good luck to u but if hes not willing to admit to a problem looks like you got a long road ahead,also the reason for him not wanting to talk about it is because he thinks he dont have a problem or even if he does know this hes not willing to addmit it yet.Good luck.
I could have written the beginning of this post myself about 7 years ago. My loved one was also using when I met him, and like you ... I had no clue!
When he finally did share the fact that he used, many things began to make sense.
I agree that nothing will change as long as he is not willing to admit that he has a problem.
You pretty much have already experienced what it is like to be in a relationship with someone suffering from addiction. Sadly addicts don't come complete with a crystal ball, or a lie detector to alert you to the idea of things that you don't know, can't hurt you. Having a partner that you can not trust because they are not truthful with you is hurt in and of itself.
If the relationship is not on a level that is acceptable to you now, it is not likely to change as long as his addiction continues.
Gene has suggested intervention in hopes that he will realize that there is indeed a problem. I would like to add that you continue making judgements that are in your best interest and stick to them. Taking care of yourself and removing yourself from his addiction issues may allow him to see that that the drugs do have adverse effects on his quality of life, relationships, etc.
You have come to a good place for support and information.
Glad your here !
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
it has helped me alot reading others stories on here. Always feels better to know ur not the only one. It is hard to turn to my friends cuz they love and care for me and just tell me to run fast from him... and they make sence but it sure is harder to do than say. I still love him so much and care for him. I talked to him the other day and was very gentle on my words to him. I told him that i am here for him as a friend but couldn't continue a relationship with him because i loved myself to much. I think i may have at least got him to look a little closer at himself and basically said he had a choice to continue the same path he was on or decide a new one, but the choice had to come within himself. He never admitted to much to me about his drug use but I did tell him i was on this site getting my own help with understanding. Its hard to not call him. He works a very far away from me. he is 24 days 12 hour shifts in a camp and then gets a week or so off.
I know i have to find the strength to leave him and not call because if i continue on with him it makes everything ok to continue the way it has been.
I pray he finds strength within himself to choose a different path.
You are right to realize that
accepting him with his addiction
is the same as accepting his addiction.
I feel like you can still be a friend by
not accepting his addiction. Continue to
encourage and support the idea of realizing
how his decision to continue using has effected
the possibility of having a healthy relationship.
Hopefully your words will give him
something to think about. In the mean
time, take care to look after yourself.
Continue to educate yourself and gain
a better perspective of how best to
deal with a loved one in addiction.
If he does get to a place where he is
willing to admit that he does have a
problem you can encourage him to seek
the help that he needs to address his
addiction.
Wishing you the best...
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
One thing i have been searching for on this site and not yet to find is understanding what does coke really make u feel??? Never done it , never will, but i think it will help me understand better if i could hear from others experiences on what it makes u feel or do ect..... stories from others who explain what getting high on this drug feels like from the crave to the high to the down , why they lie , how does it really over take someone.
Maybe I am searching for something i will never understand??? Comments on this????
Hi Kristy, I am fairly new to this site and find it very usefull as well. I was a recreation drug user to start (weekends) and than became a full blown addict (Daily). At the same time I started using heavy I was dating a beautifull girl. This girl did not do drugs and was not aware of my drug use. For an entire year I dated this girl I came up with every lie you could think of. I my nose was always dripping and I was constantly stuffed up, I would blame her perfume, allergies or a new body spray she was wearing.Cocaine became my sole purpose for living I would put my donut(tire) on my car for an excuses of being late. A couple times she kissed me and her lips went numb, and I blamed the anxiety medication I was taking. Anyway for me there is many reasons it progressed. At first I really like the high, when I was high I had no worries nothing the feeling was euphoria. Then I would come down and feel shitty and would get high again and so on and so on. To best describe to you what it was like I would tell you to watch Lord Of The Rings. To me the ring represents the cocaine and I would do anything to get it and would not stop at anything.
I finally told my Girlfriend and everything started to make sense to her. She stuck out it out for awhile with me. And then finally we both realized even after I stopped. I was having trouble loving myself and knowing that how could I love someone else. Anyway I am almost 6 months clean and starting to enjoy my own company. Sure I would love a girlfriend but it is important to me to enjoy my own company before I can move on. I suggest you cut all ties with this individual and hope he cleans himself up. I hope my little story helps you even a little bit.
I feel that you are very generous to post your story here as you have.
Congratulations on almost 6 months sobriety...
It sounds like you have put things in
a healthy perspective for yourself as
well.
Hope fully you will be as successful in
learning to love yourself, allowing you
to you to find every happiness that is
available to you in the days that follow.
Thank you for sharing ...
Wishing you the Best,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
It is still so hard for me to understand how one can be so overtaken by this drug. I am accepting, slowly, that i probably never will. I had a very positive , but hard, conversation with an ex drug user and alcoholic the other night. He is 45 and bascilly told me that I won't ever understand what it is he is going through and i need to cut all ties with him, because untill he gets help all he will keep doing is telling me what i want to hear, and pulling me back in to the relationship. I recieved a text message from him that night that read, "I hope you understand how much i love you and yes i made some bad choices but why don't you want to talk to the man you love" I responded with, " You love drugs more than anything and please stop calling and texting me" and he responded with " your wrong" and "fine have a nice life"
I have tried a few weeks prior talking to him, trying to open his eyes to the fact that he has been lying to the loved ones in his life and to himself and to try to accept he has a problem, and a week later all he could say is "i have made some bad choices" ???
I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is that i know how strong our love for eachother was and that losing that love was not enough for him to at least admit his problem and try to get help.
Its been 3 days since i text him to stop caling or texting ...and he has ... I think of him alot but I know i can't have anything to do with him. As time goes on I know it will hopefully get eaiser for me to move on.
Thank you everyone who has taken the time in responding to my posts, I wish you all the best.
I think that night I finally had enough I could not lie to this beautifull girl anymore or myself. So I lied there in bed with her, sweating and emotional upset as usual and said I have to tell you something and then I broke down and told her, I was a cocaine addict. She could not believe it
intially however I think everything started to make sense to her. Her first question to me was how often? and I said 2 or 3 times a week(lie). I told her I needed help and I understand if she wants to end this relationship we ended it a few months later (mutual decision). I needed a routine my own bed, a proper diet and to work on myself. I put this girl through he|l when I was using, I felt relief when I finally told someone who cares.
I think the part that is so hard for me is that he never broke down. He only told me things when i caught him in lies. After his friend told me he was and still is a user and we talked he admitted as little as possible to me. I know in my gut (and also cuz things made sense to me) that he has a problem. I still try to put the peices together but i just wish he could have told me everything , maybe i need this for closer , i don't know. I am angry that he is still in my thoughts and my heart. I offered him so much yet he still chooses to not come clean with me. I wonder what he is thinking, and if he knows he has a problem. I cared for him and loved him in spite of the lies and hurt, but why was that never enough for him to share himself to me?
He only told me things when i caught him in lies. After his friend told me he was and still is a user and we talked he admitted as little as possible to me. I know in my gut (and also cuz things made sense to me) that he has a problem. I still try to put the peices together but i just wish he could have told me everything , maybe i need this for closer , i don't know. I am angry that he is still in my thoughts and my heart. I offered him so much yet he still chooses to not come clean with me. I wonder what he is thinking, and if he knows he has a problem. I cared for him and loved him in spite of the lies and hurt, but why was that never enough for him to share himself to me?
I feel as though I could have written this myself....and I probably have somewhere on here. It sucks when you life is a series of peices that you are putting together. By the time you figure out what has been something new is happening that you are trying to figure out. Not a healthy way to live.
All I can tell you is that I threw my husband out on February 26th. While a piece of me definitley still loves him I am living a much more peaceful existance. While I am by no means healed, for the first time in a long time I am focusing on what I want to do. I read somewhere on this forum that if I put as much effort into myself as I have put into him I would not want him in the first place.
I have held on to this statement and thought of it forwards, backwards, and every direction possible. It is significant to me because if my husband chooses to actively use then no he cannot be in my life as my husband. I cannot and will not spend the rest of my life picking up his pieces, making excuses, and living a life where I have no idea what is going on. I love him very much, and despite my threshold of pain in our relationship I do in fact have a threshold.
All I can tell you is that there is life on the other side. I still talk to my husband and I do see him in very small doses. Maybe if he gets help we can put it back together, but wondering where he is, looking at an empty bank account, listening to lies is no longer for me.
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