the New Lord

pattern · Newbie

Hi there. I'm here because I need someone to talk to and I can't discuss this with anyone I know. So here I am! Thanks to anyone who listens (or reads). The person I love is suffering from major depressive disorder. He's not diagnosed cause he's got no health insurance, but I've a degree in psychology, and he fits the DSM criteria to a T. He is also addicted to opiates (pills, not heroin).
But now he has found a new Lord whose name is crack cocaine.
He's been smoking off and on for about a year now, but lately it's really bad. He's now to the point where he's completely .... gone. He really is too, I haven't been able to get a hold of him for almost 2 weeks now. I found out he's lied to me in order to get $ for crack. But I can't find him since I figured this out, so I can't even talk to him about it.
It's all a really long story, and I can't write it out now because I have to get to sleep. I'm suppose to go to a job fair tomorrow, and I should be writing my resume now, but I'm stuck. I can't concentrate to do such a thing now. I'm going out of my mind. I've known him, been best friends with him for 11 years now. He was my first true friend. Our love continued to grow, and 1.5 years ago we became partners.. It sounds real corny, but we are soul mates... not even that, but our souls merged into one, so without him I will never be anything but a fragment of a soul.
I can never leave him. And this is why I cannot talk to the people I know, because they don't understand it.
It is my hope that there are some here who might understand. But if you do not, and you think I should leave him, please conserve your energy and do not tell me so. I'm just so sick of hearing it from everyone I know, and they don't even know about the crack.
Ha.
I feel like my whole life is a lie.
But, at the same time, I know what I feel in my heart is true. I know what I feel in my soul is true. And he is my soul, my heart, and I am his. I would wither and slowly die without him. I know he loves me more than any other person could. And I guess that sounds pathetic because if he did he would quit.... yeah, well it doesn't work that way...as I'm sure many of you know.
I've been trying to understand the neurological basis behind addiction. The opiate addiction and the crack addiction are two completely different things, yet they parallel each other. They follow the same patterns, but take different forms. I'm kind of a brain nerd. I plan on unlocking the "black box". He is my motivation. But...he's so lost, and I can't even find him either!
OK...I really do need to get to sleep or I'll never have a chance at this thing tomorrow (or today actually).
BUT... one last thing. If you want to quickly get a better insight as to what I'm feeling... look up the lyrics to the song "In My Darkest Hour" by Megadeth. Listen to the song too if you want. I'd post the lyrics here, but I don't know if thats cool with the mods.

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

He's not diagnosed cause he's got no health insurance,

He should see a psychiatrist, NY State has several programs available for people without medical insurance. Call your local mental health facilities to find available in your area. Also it may interest you http://www.timothyslaw.org/

On a different note, have you thought about counseling for yourself? Are you a student?
Welcome

here!

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

pattern wrote:

It is my hope that there are some here who might understand.
But if you do not, and you think I should leave him,
please conserve your energy and do not tell me so.

screwmaster · Resident

I think you should leave this addict you don't want to hear it because it is true. If this guys does cleans himself up and comes out of his depression he will be a different person and you will have nothing to do with your spare time. Let's say he become clean and depression free your soulmate is now someone new. I think you enjoy being with this guy because you enjoy using your psychology degree. If what you wrote is true, you and him became parters a year and half ago and he started using crack a year ago any connection?? Stop Psychoanalyzing this guy (he not a school project) and get him into a program. You are addicted to helping him and not the guy!

screwmaster · Resident

Quote:

BUT... one last thing. If you want to quickly get a better insight as to what I'm feeling... look up the lyrics to the song "In My Darkest Hour" by Megadeth

I thought about what I wrote and decided to look up the lyrics to see how you feel. And as I thought being a Megadeath fan the songs last verse "This good thing passed away" says its time for you to move on.

Won't you hold me again
And you just laughed ha ha, b#@!h
My whole life is work built on the past
But the time has come
When all things shall pass
This good thing passed away

pattern · Newbie

Thanks for the replies. Admin, I am fully aware he should see a psychiatrist, but getting him downtown to get medicaid, and getting him to a shrink is not easily done when he won't do it.
Anyway, Screwmaster, thanks for your reply. And what you say about that last part of the song is true. Thats why I feel for that song so much. I say I can't leave him, but what ever good thing we had has ... hopefully not passed, but it's not there right now. I've decided to let go of him. I'm not going to play the roll of then enabler or the psychoanalyist anymore. Cause I was doing both. But to give him some credit he is completely avoiding me. I know he's doing it because he thinks it better for me. And I guess for him too because then he can go on crack binges without me being there to tell him it's a bad idea. But I guess I just have to let him hit rock bottom. I can only prolong it, not stop it. And that is not right for me to do. There's a part of me that just wants him to admit to all of this, and tell me all the times he has lied to me and taken advantage of me. I want to know the full truth. But apparently he's not ready to face his demons. When he is, I'll still be here. I'll wait for him, but he's gotta do this on his own. I just hope he can survive it.
But to say one thing, I don't love him because I love helping him. I love him for his passion for music. He's shown me so much about music that I never knew. It's like he's opened my eyes to a completely new world. He used to play the guitar... before he sold it for drugs. And due to drugs he has let his passion for music almost die. That is the saddest thing about all of this. To see someone you love so much, to see what they are so passionate about die...
But it inspired me. I listen to music a lot to ... to feel. I guess. And listening to megadeth obviously, but mostly Ritchie Blackmore and the late Dimebag Darrell, I got totally inspired, went out with the bail money I just got back (yeah, another long story), and bought myself an Ibanez (a brand of guitar). I love the thing. I hold it, it holds me back, it feels so right in my arms... kind of like how right it used to feel when I held him... but those megadeth lyrics above explain what happened to that...
The ibanez is my new love...it's my new expression of feeling. It gives me joy, and I don't feel so darn alone anymore. Yeah, I'm in love with a guitar...but it's more than that. He had so much tallent and passion, but he's letting it die. Since I consider myself a part of him... I believe I have some of his talent and passion... so I will play. And hopefully some day he will come to hold me again.