It scares me that I'm 16 and writing this but I just don't know what else to do.
I guess I'll start from the start.
I started having Panic attacks and I've been on anxiety medication for over a year now. I loved them from the start. I would take them more and more often, sometimes when I didn't even need them. And then I started a new school and made new friends. They all had some kind of drug history but weren't on any when I met them. And then they started again, smoking pot. I always thought pot was stupid, drugs were pointless, I don't know what I think anymore. They all invited me to have a joint with them at some point, I always refused and they took it well. And then I recently got my appendix removed. They gave me pain killers and I LOVED them. WAY too much then I should have. I still have 6 pills out of 30 left. I've had them for 3 weeks now. I never thought I was addicted to them but now I'm questioning it. I'm not in any pain anymore and I still take them.
And today,
my friend invited me over to fish with his family. i had fun out there in the water. We went back to his house afterwards and smoked pot. It was my first time and I loved it. We laughed at almost everything, my speech was slurred and barely coherent, it was amazing. And now I'm home, 8 hours later and I feel sick. My anxiety is at an all time high and I don't know if it's safe to take my medicine. My chest feels heavy and it's hard to breathe. I feel guilty and I don't know who I am anymore. I once vowed never to do drugs and now it's all I want to do.
Hello Vina.
I have many words for you, but first thing is first. Open up to your parents, talk to them.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Hello Vina.
I have many words for you, but first thing is first. Open up to your parents, talk to them.
I can't do that.
I love them, they love me, but we're not that close.
I hardly tell them anything. I'll be in loads of trouble if they knew. They'd be super angry before sympathetic and I really don't want to lose their trust.
Hi Vina
I'm glad you're here, welcome to the site!
ghostflowers wrote:
It scares me that I'm 16 and writing this but I just don't know what else to do.
Don't be scared of having to deal with,
the situation you are caught up in....
be scared of not dealing with it.
Please keep coming back
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
Thank you for the welcome Lynn,
I know I have to deal with it and thats scary. My grades are going downhill fast and I hate it. I'm normally good in school and now I can't stand the thought of being there without some kind of buzz.
Ugh,
I'm really starting to hate myself.
I huge part of me wants to just flush my pills down the toilet and hate my friends. But I can't do that because I love them too much. I don't whether to blame them or me for my predictable drug addiction. Knowing I'm almost out of pain killers is alarming. The other day I found myself thinking of ways to break my arm to get more.
That was scary. I didn't even realize I was thinking it until my mom interrupted my thoughts.
And now theres pot. I did it the first yesterday. It felt amazing at first and then I started feeling extremely anxious and I couldn't take my medicine because I didn't know if it was safe or not. And now I feel guilty and shameful and despite it all, I want another joint.
WTF?!
It does feel good to vent though, I appreciate anyone who listens. I really don't think anyone could help me. Almost everyone I know does some kind of drug, and the ones who don't, I can't tell because I don't want them to think I'm like my other friends. I really just want to runaway at this point, I don't know why, but today I was outside with my dog and all I could think of was walking away from everything and coming back years later.
Admin wrote:
Hello Vina.
I have many words for you, but first thing is first. Open up to your parents, talk to them.
I can't do that.
I love them, they love me, but we're not that close.
I hardly tell them anything. I'll be in loads of trouble if they knew. They'd be super angry before sympathetic and I really don't want to lose their trust.
Vina, I'm glad that you have come here for support. I agree with Gene. You need to talk to your parents. If that sounds too hard, how about a counselor at school that can help you out. The road you are on is a slippery slope and the way to get off it is to come clean by talking to an adult who can help you NOW!!! Don't wait! So What if your parents are mad. Being angry is temporary. Tell them. "Look you can be angry with me if you want....but I am asking you for your help. I need your help, so you have a choice. Telling you was scary for me. The situation I'm in is scary for me...but I'm asking for your help, so please put your anger aside and help me."
They may not know what to do at first. You will all have to work together to figure this out....that is where your school counselor might be able to help.
Quote:
ghostflowers wrote:
It scares me that I'm 16 and writing this but I just don't know what else to do.
Don't be scared of having to deal with,
the situation you are caught up in....
be scared of not dealing with it.
Please keep coming back
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
Quote:
It does feel good to vent though, I appreciate anyone who listens. I really don't think anyone could help me. Almost everyone I know does some kind of drug, and the ones who don't, I can't tell because I don't want them to think I'm like my other friends. I really just want to runaway at this point, I don't know why, but today I was outside with my dog and all I could think of was walking away from everything and coming back years later.
Just a totally different person
Vina, Lynn is right on when she tells you that the thing to be afraid of is not dealing with it. You cannot become a different person by ignoring your problems or running away from them. You become the different person, the stronger person, by dealing with them head on.
Let me tell you a story about my b/f. He is 37 years old. He is an alcoholic and he is addicted to crack. He started drinking heavily when he was 14 years old. He and his friends all went out drinking. At first it was fun...but it was also a way to avoid his feelings. There were things going on in his life back then. Things he didn't want to deal with...or know how. His parents were going through what sounds like a nasty divorce...and I don't think they were really around for him to talk to. In anycase, he dealt with his problems by drowning them. He also tried to relieve his pain ...emotional pain....in other ways that I won't get into...
At one point he was going to a counselor, but he didn't want to go and noone made him go.....Anyway, long story short....when he was 14...he started a pattern of running away from things and not dealing with them. He runs away, physically and emotionally. He doesn't take care of his responsibilities preferring to not deal with them, preferring to runaway, preferring to run away to drink to drugs, from one place to another, from one person to another. So this has been going on....23 years now....and after 23 years it is not an easy habit to break...and he probably doesn't know how to stop running away. He still doesn't know how, and still doesn't want to deal with things that are difficult. When he doesn't ....things tend to get worse. He spent several months in jail last summer, because he didn't pay some tickets. He has checks garnished because he didn't pay his bills. When we have an argument or disagreement, he would prefer to get it over quickly by agreeing to whatever and then not following through on what he said he would do, rather than working it through.
I hope you see what I'm getting at. His approach has caused more problems in his life, and he still has not dealt with the original issues...let alone all the others that have arisen because he has not dealt with things, has run away and has tried to numb the pain and problem away.
Don't follow in his footsteps. He's a very unhappy guy. He just wants to have a normal life, but he isn't willing to deal with things....and until he is...he is not going to have one.
You have an opportunity to change your life....and be the person you want to be. Do it now. Why wait. You have so much to lose by not stepping up. Being brave is hard...but it gets easier the more you do it. You can do it....coming here is a good sign that you really don't want to go down the road you will be headed down should you run away and not deal with things.
Discomfort is temporary. You have the power and strength to work it through.
G0D BLESS YOU! You are a truly special young lady. One your family and the world wants to hold onto, so please do yourself a favor and talk to your parents.
Admin wrote:
Hello Vina.
I have many words for you, but first thing is first. Open up to your parents, talk to them.
I can't do that.
I love them, they love me, but we're not that close.
I hardly tell them anything. I'll be in loads of trouble if they knew. They'd be super angry before sympathetic and I really don't want to lose their trust.
Vina, I'm glad that you have come here for support. I agree with Gene. You need to talk to your parents. If that sounds too hard, how about a counselor at school that can help you out. The road you are on is a slippery slope and the way to get off it is to come clean by talking to an adult who can help you NOW!!! Don't wait! So What if your parents are mad. Being angry is temporary. Tell them. "Look you can be angry with me if you want....but I am asking you for your help. I need your help, so you have a choice. Telling you was scary for me. The situation I'm in is scary for me...but I'm asking for your help, so please put your anger aside and help me."
They may not know what to do at first. You will all have to work together to figure this out....that is where your school counselor might be able to help.
Quote:
ghostflowers wrote:
It scares me that I'm 16 and writing this but I just don't know what else to do.
Don't be scared of having to deal with,
the situation you are caught up in....
be scared of not dealing with it.
Please keep coming back
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
Quote:
It does feel good to vent though, I appreciate anyone who listens. I really don't think anyone could help me. Almost everyone I know does some kind of drug, and the ones who don't, I can't tell because I don't want them to think I'm like my other friends. I really just want to runaway at this point, I don't know why, but today I was outside with my dog and all I could think of was walking away from everything and coming back years later.
Just a totally different person
Vina, Lynn is right on when she tells you that the thing to be afraid of is not dealing with it. You cannot become a different person by ignoring your problems or running away from them. You become the different person, the stronger person, by dealing with them head on.
Let me tell you a story about my b/f. He is 37 years old. He is an alcoholic and he is addicted to crack. He started drinking heavily when he was 14 years old. He and his friends all went out drinking. At first it was fun...but it was also a way to avoid his feelings. There were things going on in his life back then. Things he didn't want to deal with...or know how. His parents were going through what sounds like a nasty divorce...and I don't think they were really around for him to talk to. In anycase, he dealt with his problems by drowning them. He also tried to relieve his pain ...emotional pain....in other ways that I won't get into...
At one point he was going to a counselor, but he didn't want to go and noone made him go.....Anyway, long story short....when he was 14...he started a pattern of running away from things and not dealing with them. He runs away, physically and emotionally. He doesn't take care of his responsibilities preferring to not deal with them, preferring to runaway, preferring to run away to drink to drugs, from one place to another, from one person to another. So this has been going on....23 years now....and after 23 years it is not an easy habit to break...and he probably doesn't know how to stop running away. He still doesn't know how, and still doesn't want to deal with things that are difficult. When he doesn't ....things tend to get worse. He spent several months in jail last summer, because he didn't pay some tickets. He has checks garnished because he didn't pay his bills. When we have an argument or disagreement, he would prefer to get it over quickly by agreeing to whatever and then not following through on what he said he would do, rather than working it through.
I hope you see what I'm getting at. His approach has caused more problems in his life, and he still has not dealt with the original issues...let alone all the others that have arisen because he has not dealt with things, has run away and has tried to numb the pain and problem away.
Don't follow in his footsteps. He's a very unhappy guy. He just wants to have a normal life, but he isn't willing to deal with things....and until he is...he is not going to have one.
You have an opportunity to change your life....and be the person you want to be. Do it now. Why wait. You have so much to lose by not stepping up. Being brave is hard...but it gets easier the more you do it. You can do it....coming here is a good sign that you really don't want to go down the road you will be headed down should you run away and not deal with things.
Discomfort is temporary. You have the power and strength to work it through.
G0D BLESS YOU! You are a truly special young lady. One your family and the world wants to hold onto, so please do yourself a favor and talk to your parents.
Let us know how you are doing. Best wishes.
-Jenni
Your right Jenni. I do need help now, because I'm in trouble now. I can't stop taking pain killers. I took some today after vowing to never touch them. I just wish it weren't spring break. I really do need my counselor. I started seeing her 4 weeks ago but we've only had 2 sessions. She helps a lot though. I would go to my parents but like I said, I'm not close to them at all. My mother is an alcoholic and she chose tonight to get drunk. I don't feel well at all and she's not helping. My Dad is just to himself and has way too much to worry about. He doesn't need my drama. I feel I need someone now though. I've been feeling really bad, like, SUICIDE bad. I'm just not happy with anything. I don't plan on running away from this problem. I just wish I had a map or something to help me figure everything out.
I would go to my parents but like I said, I'm not close to them at all. My mother is an alcoholic and she chose tonight to get drunk. I don't feel well at all and she's not helping. My Dad is just to himself and has way too much to worry about. He doesn't need my drama. I feel I need someone now though. I've been feeling really bad, like, SUICIDE bad. I'm just not happy with anything. I don't plan on running away from this problem. I just wish I had a map or something to help me figure everything out.
Vina,
I'm glad you wrote back and that you are seeing your school counselor. You should tell her that you need to see her more often. Did you tell her about your problem with pain killers? thoughts of suicide? It can be hard to open up at first, but these are important things for her to know. feelings you are having are not unusual for children in families in which one member is addicted. The more you open up, the more you can learn about how your mom's addiction effects you and your patterns, and start laying out your road map.
It seems you have a lot on your plate. I want you to know that your parents are the adults. They are responsible for you and your well being. Not the other way round. Easy for me to say now...that I'm adult. I was your age once, and my brother's problems with drugs and feeling like my parents wouldn't understand, kept me from telling them things that I really should have told them. Things that I have worked through over many years. Like you, I felt they had enough to deal with, so I understand that you don't want to create more drama for your Dad to deal with. I'm sure he has plenty on his plate. What I can say is that now that my parents know what was going on with me back then, they really wish I had told them at the time. Telling them years later they felt guilty that they couldn't protect me. How could they have....I didn't confide in them. I was ashamed. I thought they had enough to deal with. I was ashamed.
All that being said, not telling your dad, is going to create more drama in his life if you cannot get help and get help NOW. Your Dad will figure out how to deal with everything that is on his plate. That is the job of an adult. Your job is to learn how to be a healthy young woman. You begin laying out your road map by talking and learning. Everyone's road is different, and though you will need to do a lot of work yourself, you will also need support.
Everyone needs support in their life, and everyone needs help sometimes. Your need and request for help is not a burden to others. I'm sure you already know what it feels like to help someone else. It feels good to help. Someday you will return the favor. In the mean time, ask for the help you need and accept the help you receive.
Lynn once told me I was a vessel. Perhaps you are a vessel in the lives of your loved ones. Perhaps sharing your problems openly will help the adults in your life wake up to their responsibilities to you. If you are not ready yet, I encourage you to talk to your school counselor about it as soon as you can. Let her know about your ambivalence behind telling your parents, and explain to her why you are feeling the way you are.
Vina, you are so special.
Please talk to someone ASAP about your suicidal feelings. Here are a few resources.
Some Local resources that will be able to help you.
First Call For Help
United Way of Central Louisiana
PO Box 749
LA 71309
ALEXANDRIA
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: (318) 443-2255
Opening hours:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri: 08:00 - 16:00
Copeline Crisis Line
3330 W. Esplanade Avenue S
Suite 600
LA 70002-3454
METAIRIE
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: (504) 523-2673
Y.W.C.A. Telephone Crisis Counseling
1515 Jackson Street
LA 71202
MONROE
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: (318) 323-1505
Helpline 2: 1-800-716-7233
Website: www.ywcanela.org/contactus.cfm
24 Hour service:
Mainline
PO Box 1322
LA 71210
MONROE
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: 6pm - 6am: (318) 387-5683
Trauma Stabilization Program
River Oaks Hospital
1525 River Oaks Road W.
LA 70123-2199
NEW ORLEANS
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: 1-800-366-1740
Website: www.riveroakshospital.com
24 Hour service:
Volunteer & Information Agency
747 Earhart Blvd.
Suite 111
LA 70125
NEW ORLEANS
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: 1-800-749-2673
Helpline 2: (504) 523-2673
Helpline 3: TTY: 1-800-749-2673
24 Hour service:
Crisis Care Line
Slidell Memorial Hospital
1001 Gause Boulevard
LA 70458
SLIDELL
Louisiana
Contact by: - Phone
Helpline 1: (504) 646-2273
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Hello Vina.
I have many words for you, but first thing is first. Open up to your parents, talk to them.
I can't do that.
I love them, they love me, but we're not that close.
I hardly tell them anything. I'll be in loads of trouble if they knew. They'd be super angry before sympathetic and I really don't want to lose their trust.
I figured there was a reason,
you didn't mention your parents in the first place.
But, let me ask you something....
Why do you feel they trust you,
if you don't even place your trust in them?
Furthermore, how could they lose a trust,
that really doesn't exist in the first place?
You are more worried about them being angry.
And, they shouldn't be sympathetic but, rather, supportive.
There are trust issues alright,
but, not in the light you've cast them in.
ghostflowers wrote:
I know I have to deal with it and thats scary. My grades are going downhill fast and I hate it. I'm normally good in school and now I can't stand the thought of being there without some kind of buzz.
Ugh,
I'm really starting to hate myself.
Darling, believe me when I say....
You don't know what hating yourself or what scary is....yet!
When I was 16, I started hanging with kids,
who drank, smoked pot, tripped and sniffed glue.
They never forced me to try anything,
nor, razzed me about it when I declined.
When I tried pot and acid for the first time,
it was my own choice....
not because anyone was pressuring me,
or, because I was trying to fit in.
But, unlike you, I didn't see a problem.
I couldn't stand school anymore either.
I started cutting classes my sophomore year,
getting high before, during and after school...
my grades were slipping but, I was still passing.
Half way through Junior year, I dropped out.
ghostflowers wrote:
I huge part of me wants to just flush my pills down the toilet and hate my friends. But I can't do that because I love them too much. I don't whether to blame them or me for my predictable drug addiction
You only have yourself to blame.
ghostflowers wrote:
I really just want to runaway at this point, I don't know why, but today I was outside with my dog and all I could think of was walking away from everything and coming back years later.
Just a totally different person.
You know why....cause you don't want to deal with it.
But, let me tell you something.
You can run and run and run but,
you always take yourself with you.
You'll become a totally different person but,
not in a good way but, in a bad way.
ghostflowers wrote:
I can't stop taking pain killers.
It's not that you can't, it's because you don't want to.
You can not do something you are not willing to do.
ghostflowers wrote:
My mother is an alcoholic and she chose tonight to get drunk.
I don't feel well at all and she's not helping.
I'm sure she chooses plenty of nights to get drunk...
what made 'tonight' so special or different from any other night,
that you should point that out by mentioning it?
In any case....
how the h-ll can she help you when she's not even helping herself?
She can't help you, she needs help herself.
And, besides all that, how can she even try and be of help,
for something she knows nothing about to begin with?!
ghostflowers wrote:
My Dad is just to himself and has way too much to worry about. He doesn't need my drama.
I feel I need someone now though.
Look, you can't have it both ways darling.
You have chosen to go this alone so far.
You have chosen to isolate others from knowing.
You have concluded how your parents and other friends,
will react and respond to you by opening up to them.
You have made other peoples choices for them.
ghostflowers wrote:
I've been feeling really bad, like, SUICIDE bad.
I'm just not happy with anything.
I don't plan on running away from this problem.
I just wish I had a map or something to help me figure everything out.
Guess what?
You are running away from this so far!
There is no d-mn map for you to resort to.
You don't need help figuring anything out.
You know what you have to do,
the problem is, you're not willing to.
Listen to me and listen to me well.
You need to grow up fast...like, right now.
You need to be grown and do what's right...for yourself.
People come and go in our lives.
There is nothing wrong with loving the friends you have,
but, theses friends of yours that are doing drugs,
are not the kind of friends you should be keeping company with.
Birds of a feather flock together.
We are the company we keep.
You can not establish, let alone, maintain,
healthy friendships or relationships,
if you are not healthy yourself.
Set higher standards, morals and expectations for your own life,
and you will attract and be attracted to others with those same qualities.
Life is hard enough for anyone in this day and age,
let alone, being 16 in this day and age.
Trust me...it doesn't get any easier.
The way you handle and tackle issues in your life now,
will shape and determine how you will deal with issues later on.
How you approach your life,
is what you can expect to approach you in your life.
Decide whether or not you want to be drug free,
then be willing to stop using drugs.
Free yourself from the grip they have on you thus far,
before it's grip starts choking you...
no matter how hard it may seem now,
it doesn't even compare to what's in store for you,
should you continue on the path you're on!
Please keep coming back!
Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
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Hi Vina
