Post subject: Can I really do This, Lord I am so Tired.
I have used off and on for the last 3 1/2 years. I am tired of this tired of this life. When I first did this, I was going through a very emotional point in my life, I had recovered buried memories of a sexual assult, and my boyfriend and best friend started an afair at the same time this was going on. I went nuts and lost it, had a nervous break down and here comes my cousin whom I know call my Pavlo's Bell. Here try this, and that was it. I can go without for a mths but if he comes and he has it (crack) with him, then there I go, down that road I again. I hate this, I have two young kids I am a 36 year old female on disability with no other income, my cousin takes advantage of me on the first and gets me started, I try so hard to not do this, I have told myself sometimes well if I don't pay for it then it's ok, Yeah Right! I have been to places I never thought I would go, yeah I've smoked a little pot as a kid but was never addicted to anything stronger than caffeine and cigs. I use to get nuts over any one who smoked crack. Then I did it, at the time I started it made me feel alive when I felt dead inside now that I've dealt with the affair and the assult and felt stronger and stronger I still didn't stop, if my cousin showed I did it. Tonight I hope for the finally time I told my Cousin that this was it, I did not smoke any even though I knew he was high. I told him to get to stepping that my kids and my life was more important. I really want to stop. I use to tell myself I wasn't and addict I payed my bills I didn't steal I didn't have sex with people to get it. I only did it every so often but when ever I did I did it big no 20's for me no I bought 50 to 150 at a time and more, till I was burned out So I guess thats what you call a binge. Then I would't do it again for a month or more. I used to say I'm not a crack head just a social user all those stupid things to justify doing the crap. Not anymore I have finally admitted I have a problem. That this crap is killing me and hurting my kids. I have bi-polar and this ain't helping it either. So I hope I can do this I hope and pray that I can be free of this Demon and go on with my life. I want it to stop so bad. This is the first time I ever joined a group or anything to talk about it. It's all getting so old and I'm getting so tired of this I want to be a mom not a crack addict I want to be the person I use to be, happy on life not crack. I want to watch my kids grow up and be there for them. I have lung problems and everything else now. I know that I have to let my cousin go he is very addicted to this, I lost my brother to prison because he got addicted.
I do not want to keep going on this road to he|l. I hope I am strong enough.
U can do it!!! I really believe u can... I haven't been here long on this site. But I've read enough to know u have come to the right place and their are some really caring and down to earth people here that will do everything they can to help u. And I believe u have made the choice and the first steps to the right way of doing it. Take care Dare2bme.I'm going to say a special prayer for u and your family.
Working at distancing yourself from your cousin is definately a step in the right direction. Be direct and be honest with him ...say it and mean it. He may not accomodate your request right off the bat, because as we know "misery loves company." Steer clear of him when you know that he is in town and may happen by, whatever it takes.
Glad your here !
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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Posted:Mar 27, 2008 - 02:38 AM
to the site Dare2bme,
