Ironic indeed.
here I am, 4am saturday morning, still awake for the sencond night in a row... With no sleep and hand.
Ironic, how?
Well after an intense 24plus hours or riding the white tracks, I passed up my crash to crush more rocks into powerdy white lines, with intent to surf the web for addiction information.
Hows that for you?
can I really kill the horse I rode in on?
It is a sad, emontional, feeling to be using the posion as an aid in finding help or cure.
A true, honest, look, at exceptence, to an addiciton and snowballing hiden problem?
Some might say you cant be real, or truely honest hoped up. I may even doubt my ture amittence to the depths of my problem.
Its kind of hard to even take yourself seriously when bitting the hand that feeds it.
my name is erik. some call me Erock. (no tie to rock cocciane)
E-rock has hit Rock-Bottom.
hidding a habbit,craving, need, for something hat is creating and influencing actions, which I can not stand. For they are not me.
But thats just it, I seem I cant stand with out it.
it eats at you.
Hating myself and creating anger at towards my continuless poor judgment. Or even more so, lack of power or will to stop it.
I dont know whats worse, hidding my addiction from friends and family, or hidding the lowering, spiral, down fall of my self esteem and pride.
Its amost a drug in itself, having to find lies, or reasson and excuess to hide the habbit. Eventually hurting realationships with lies to explain shameful bevaior or lack of life.
Its sad really.
hopefully writing my thoughts out can help me realiaze, and acknowledge the truth. Put my thoughts and choices out in front of me to see, not jus think.
"one green, one red" a line from the movie "the temerial"
"50:50" he says. Its simple really.
In our thoughts we know whats right or wrong.
"should I buy" "should I not" 50:50
I've done the math. it is now March, pretty much april.
In the first 3months of 2008 I have spent alittle over 2,000 dollars on blow. And I do nt even have job anymore.
I've emptyed my stock accounts, cashed in retirement money, opened holiay and birthday cards, only to let what could have been, tear up my noise. I recently got down to 8 bucks in my checking and savings accounts. with rent and bills coming up I despreatly did my tax returns and promied no more. only bills.
Once good ol' Uncle same put some digits in my cheking accont, out came 140 dollars, and a 8ball in my pocket.
In my offense though, this is the most potent, good quality blow to hit my town in ages.
That fact alone seemed to justify buying the rock.
That and telling myself I'd save it. make it last. only little at a time. And get things done awhile on it.
Coke has become my aid. Its like I need it to even get up now. I can imagine doing any yard work unless I had a few lines in me.
I couldnt even admit I have a problem and addiction wih out blow.
Ironic?
truely.
and truly sad.
I use to have goals, disier, motovation.
Now just cravings, highs, and crash.
Erock hit Rock Bottom.
wish me luck.... 49mins of thoughs I hope to reead and take seriously
I see the view count growing.
people reading...
is there nothing to say in response?
does this come off as nonsense, and I just cant tell?
I apoligize for the poor grammer and spelling, can you bear through it enough to voice some feedback.
I must say it did feel good typing it. going back and reading. A first step to that first step of admitting.
oh yeah. I'm there. 36hrs wasted.
I see the view count growing.
people reading...
is there nothing to say in response?
does this come off as nonsense, and I just cant tell?
I apoligize for the poor grammer and spelling, can you bear through it enough to voice some feedback.
I must say it did feel good typing it. going back and reading. A first step to that first step of admitting.
oh yeah. I'm there. 36hrs wasted.
You'll always see the view count rising.
There are only a handful of members who post.
I usually don't respond to initial posts from newbies,
because usually they never post again after the first post.
Even then, it usually doesn't last much longer after the initial post.
You really just seemed to be venting....
what do you want feedback on?
Peace
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
you know, I dont really know. I probaly am just venting, but glad to be. I Know I have problem and it just feels better puting it out there. Remeber My lines are sniffed behind locked doors shutting out good people.
I pondering letting them read it. by doing so, I know there will be plently of feedback.
I guess I was looking along those lines. and comments from others in similar situations or addictions. I'm here to give my feedback and suggestions as well. and not be just a "newbie"
Now I'm crashing from over 36 hours... and worried.
I've spend the whole night loking into this drug and problem.
I fear I might have unknowlying caused numerous, there-for-good damage to my body and brain. I have been activly binging on censored %==> for over 8 months. Peeking now at a ball every 2 days. my Nose is stuffed and one he|l of a sight on side. anyone have info on nasal damage?
Awareness of how badly things are going in your life due to drugs, a starting point but rising to challenge to stop before everything has run off the rails (and you're pretty damn close) I'm not seeing here...
Addiction leads to three things: jail, death and insanity. You can mark one off the list.
_________________ chosing not to continue this madness
Your ramblings remind me of a squirrel that has no idea at the bottom of which tree, or in which tree he will store his stash for the winter, which is vital to you having a healthy existance. You run half way up one tree, only to hit the ground and attemp to climb another....never fully making it to a desired destination.
It is good that you are at least on the surface attempting to educate yourself about your addiction, however until you seriously intend to make the changes necessary to stop spinning the wheels upstairs you are simply running in circles that lead you to NOWHERE.
Any feedback that you receive at this point may effectively reach your central control center, but fail at being processed.
Justifying your poor choices, only allow you to continue the denial that you are currently in.
No job, eventually the kind hearted people that are enabling you will get wise. you will then most likely resort to things that will only provide you with more grief in order to destroy your life further.
You can continue hiding, and lying to yourself as well as the good people that care about you, or you can begin actively working on addressing your addiction. If your intention is the later of the two I just mentioned, you have come to a good place for support and information.
A while back Gene posted a link on the damage that snorting cocaine can cause to the septum. This damge can create gross facial deformity that in the extremes may not be corrected if my memory serves me correctly.
How much are you willing to endure before you decide it is time to seriously and sincerely realize the cause and effects of your actions.
Hope you will continue reading....
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Your ramblings remind me of a squirrel that has no idea at the bottom of which tree, or in which tree he will store his stash for the winter, which is vital to you having a healthy existance. You run half way up one tree, only to hit the ground and attemp to climb another....never fully making it to a desired destination.
It is good that you are at least on the surface attempting to educate yourself about your addiction, however until you seriously intend to make the changes necessary to stop spinning the wheels upstairs you are simply running in circles that lead you to NOWHERE.
Any feedback that you receive at this point may effectively reach your central control center, but fail at being processed.
Michelle...you're scaring me
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Well its nice to see people reading and givinging me a brutal slap in the face of honestly. Reading back on my post, now with a clean head, its hard to see resson or clear judgement in my thought process. I remember and always think I feel so clear and smart when hopped up, but when comming down relaize thats not ture.
I have been taking this seriously. Finding my nose in suffering health has scared me enoguh to saying enough. I ust say its harder than thought. today is day 1.5. and all I have thought about is that 2 grams under my bed. I hold off though. I am using the strong disier for this drug as will. I am not a man of additicon and have always had good will power. I like to show myself, I, my spirt, and people in my life are more important than a high. so I Ingore the grams and will sell them away.
Also. I broke down and shared my problem with my lady. Who pretty much slapped me. and then started to worry about my nosse. Today I am much happier to repot my nose feels much better and I do not think there is a ?/|\. But still not in good shape. It has scared me enough, the thought of my nose gone, or damaged from a high, to just day *censored F--> it.
thanks for your honestly.
And my rambling is just my way of using humor to explain. Even though there is no room for humor is drugs. I still like to smile though.
Dude... you're still holdin'? Relapse in the same room with you right now. As for the nose issue, stop using and you'd be surprised how much you'd heal up if you can keep the sh*t outta' your nose. Hmmmmm...unusual situation, I think anyone who's walked in this maze knows where that dope's going. Regardless, when it's gone don't get anymore. If you don't change, clearly you're gonna' lose your home next...
_________________ chosing not to continue this madness
Yeah its still here. In my Room. Under my bed.
But have I touched it?
nope. havent even looked at it. Just thoughts.
I keep it as motovation. The beast I wish not to slay.
That and its only been two days since I decided to qive it up and stop my patterns. When I find some one to take it off my hands I will. I'm not going to flush it. I need to get back some of the money I wasted.
Even if I feed someone elses problem.
If they want it, then they want it.
I do not.
Do you expect me to flush it?
I love the confidence, and engcouragement you "supporters" you offer..
I am so glad that you did not take
my post in an offensive manner.
I also feel that it is good that you
opened up and shared with your significant
other.
Humor is ok, We all need a little humor
and sometimes it can help us through
difficult situations. I have to admit that
having my loved one recently begin using
again after a year of sobriety makes it a
little difficult to find the humor, however
I do feel that venting whatever your style
is upto the person posting.... Writing is
also a good tool and I encourage you to
continue. If nothing else coming back to
read what you write may help you to see your
own highs and lows that are brought about by
your situation.
As far as whether to flush, or not
to flush ... Consider that it was
pretty much gone once you made the
purchase. If keeping it on hand risk
your master plan of reaching sobriety
it may be worth losing the cash, and
less for you to bargain with in the
immediate future.
Good luck to you, and please keep posting !
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
First off I think u are going the wrong way about all of this... Second "WHY" are u trying to pick a fight with everyone??? Do u not have any respect for the things people are saying to help u??? Third I'm also a newbie to this site and I don't think u have any idea who u are messing with here... U need to go read these peoples story that is trying to help u HARDHEAD!!! They have been there and done that!!! So either u shut up and stop thinking u know everything and listen to what they tell u... Cause it might save your life... It just sounds like to me u aren't ready to stop & take the help people are trying giving u... I'm sorry to sound like a witch but Buddy u can't go to someones house and tell them how to act in there on home... Same goes here on this web site...
Oh by the way; Hi, I'm Frogge (AKA-Cat)... I'm new to this site too... And I want to tell u old timers I have so much respect for u all and look-up to u all and proud u all have gotten as far as y'all have done today with your lifes... Thank u for letting me a part of y'all family... Lord Bless u and your family in your journey in this crazy world... PEACE!!!!
ok I think I might come off wrong in some manners to some. I have other thoughts and feeling, truths, and lies here. I might only be writting and express a portion of what is in my head and life. But what I write is ture. I have read ohers stories and facts about dealing with his drug, That is part of the resson I joined up and made it clear to myself that I need to stop.
It seems I have come across a pattern. I have noticed traits with usinf cocaine in many persons stories that strike, amost word for word, with mine.
I fist posted hopped up. Titled "isnt it ironic" in the fac I need lines to gain that drive and high to surch answers. The pattern I see is in the use, and abuse to the drug. It seems everyone starts out using as a "party" drug. Socially, or to excape a hang over. Then that socail drug turns to random self-time usage. And that leads to the abuse, and in turn, binging and addiction.
The honesty and openess of people stories here forced me to join, question my actions, admit a problem, search for facts, and face the truth
Knowledge is power.
When I say I want to stop I meean it.
Even if I still have 2 g's under my bed there if I wanted it. ( well not wanted, becaus in some way I do) But I realie now that that want... is additicon.
that fact alone scares me. The damage to my nose I found scares me.
Before I was scared to be caught.
I said f' that. my life and family is more important.
I told.
I faced what I feared. The hidding. the want, diesire, addiction, the lies.
To tell you the truth. that guilt, and shame of my hidding patterns in a way set me free. Or so I hope.
I am not taking offensiense to peoples comments and suggestions. It just seems the faith is not there. I am telling and writing what is giving me the will to quit. Even if that resson is just a want. It is ture.
Maybe my use wasn't, or isn't as bad as one wold take in order to stop.
But Truely, honestly, my pride is me.
I drive to be stronger. And I knw its possible. Its all in the head. Your head, my head, tell me I want it. Do it. YOu have it take it.
But I love saying no.
maybe its just me. a stuborn person willing to do anything to prove someone wrong. Even if that person is me.
I want. I need. to show myself I am stronger.
and I will.
hardheaded or not.
First off I think u are going the wrong way about all of this...
Second "WHY" are u trying to pick a fight with everyone???
First off, I'm really not sure what you mean by saying...
I think u are going the wrong way about all of this...
I'm not sure if you're talking about
what he has written and how he is expressing himself,
or, if you're referring to how he's approaching his 'recovery efforts'.
Secondly, I'm not sure why you feel,
he's been trying to pick a fight with everyone.
I surely don't see it.
frogge wrote:
Do u not have any respect for the things people are saying to help u???
How can an active addict have respect for anyone,
when they don't even have respect for themselves?
Again, I have not taken anything he's posted,
as being disrespectful...I'm not seeing that at all.
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