Hi all,
I am new to this website and very new to this world. I hope this thread is not going to be too long, I will try to be as brief as possible but give pertinent details. I am recently married to a man i knew 25 years ago. 2 years ago he came to work in my company and we secretly dated until we became engaged and were finally married two months ago. Thru out dating and catching up he told me all about his past and cocaine abuse and was proud that he had been 10 years clean. about 5 months before our wedding date, he had a binge which had him missing for almost 3 days and he lost his job from this. When he realized i was going to leave him and call of the wedding he decided to admit that he ran into an old drug friend and went to an place from back then that was a very dark place. He indulged to the point of no return and almost lost everything. I also have to say he lost his father to cancer a month prior which was devestating to him, so that being said, I decided to stand by him and support him and help him get thru this. I realized the stress of his dad was what made him so vulnerable.
trust became a serious issue as he freaquently maintained very dark friends and kept very late nites. I always interrogated him(as he referred to it) because deep down i always knew he did not give it up, every though he swore up and down he did. it had been very difficult to continue to try to support his addition as a loving partner and believe what i absolutly knew were lies...lots and lots of lies. bad ones, stupid ones and i was insulted he expected me to just believe him all the time. he accused me of not giving our marraige a chance because i could not trust him. but actions speak louder than words and i had to find the evidence to blow his lies out of the water. i kept a detailed record of dates and times of his late nites and details of his lies, of who and when he spoke to certain people and supposedly where he said he was at certain times. when i had enough information, i was able to get phone records of our joint cell phone bill and every day he was supposedly enjoying late nites with "friends" either playing cards, helping a friend fix a car, helping a friend move....blah blah blah....i finally had the evidence of the very contrary. the incessent repeatative phone calls he made to the same exact numbers over and over. every other minutes showed obvious patterns of someone strung out and needing an immediate fix.
i finally contronted him and told him he had to stop lying to me and that the charade was over. i would leave him if he was not honest with me. he broke down and admitted it all to me and said he was so scared of his dark dirty secrets and that he wanted to be clean again. he really couldnt believe someone loved hiim this much and would go to such lengths to uncover this and still support him.
well, thank you for letting me get all this off my chest, i am now going to start the recovery proccess with him. he actually went to a meeting the very next day and came home with paperwork and phone numbers of his new sponsors. i think the reason i am on this website telling all of you this story is because i cannot tell anyone what is going on. i would not betray his confidence and i really need someone to talk to. i am trying to learn all i can about this addition, as i said before, i am not familiar with the drug scene at all and i do not want to appear condecending to him when he speaks to me. i want to understand his disease. i told him i would go to meeings with him, but he said not yet. i am looking into going to meetings of my own to get more familiar and find the support i need, because i am not going to say too much to him. he is communicating very much right now, but i just want to be there to listen and try to understand every day for him.
i hope this wasnt too long to read, but if anyone has any insight as to how to be more helpful and supportive to him, i would greatly appreciate it.
sincerly,
a devoted wife,
Post subject: Re: confronted my husband and his lies
scaredwife wrote:
I am recently married to a man i knew 25 years ago. 2 years ago he came to work in my company and we secretly dated until we became engaged and were finally married two months ago. Thru out dating and catching up he told me all about his past and cocaine abuse and was proud that he had been 10 years clean. about 5 months before our wedding date, he had a binge which had him missing for almost 3 days and he lost his job from this. When he realized i was going to leave him and call of the wedding he decided to admit that he ran into an old drug friend and went to an place from back then that was a very dark place. He indulged to the point of no return and almost lost everything. I also have to say he lost his father to cancer a month prior which was devestating to him,
The only reason an addict has for using is they want to....
everything else is just an excuse.
Why your husband would decide to throw away,
10 years of sobriety is beyond me....
(if that is even the truth)
but, he certainly can not use his fathers death as the reason
Devoted wife....you'll need to be!
Peace
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
GOOD LUCK...as far addicts and lies go, your post doesn't look promising and disease or not, ultimately an addict choses to let go rather than seek support when the desire for drugs come. Me, I used to have all kinds of excuses for getting high and others to blame but the reality quite certainly is that I'm selfish and don't don't care how it effect others.
Regardless, welcome to the site and consider reading as many post throughout as possible... I think you'll see a common thread of lies, manipulation and hostilies as a means to which addicts get their way. We are the most spoiled children on earth.
peace indeed...stephen
(hi Lynn, glad to see you around...)
_________________ i've tried, but i can't run no more...
The only reason an addict has for using is they want to....
everything else is just an excuse.
I whole heartedly agree with Lynn's statement here. I really have not found any exceptions, but have heard one excuse after another... by realizing that they are exactly that you will definately gain a better perspective on what you are truly dealing with having a loved one in addiction.
Buying into every excuse your loved one tosses your direction in my opinion is a form of enabling them to continue using while justifying their actions.
to the site. You have found a good place for support and information. What you receive here may not always be what you would like to hear, but it is given with your best interest in mind.
Please continue reading and posting ....
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on Apr 01, 2008 - 04:59 PM; edited 1 time in total
he is working, he is in construction and is working for himself. he does keep his jobs lined up well so he works rather consistantly, but of course it gives him the luxury to adjust his hours accordingly. when he had his binge last year, he was working for a good company where i work for over 2 years, that was a nice steady paycheck. but, he screwe that up.
i do know that he has excuse after excuse and i am always going to be on guard. his verbiage now since he admitted everything has been more accountable though, he is telling me that he was very weak and vulnerable and there is nobody to blame but himself. he wants me to go with him next week to a meeting with him, he asked his sponser and he told him it would be a good idea to show me how his is commiting himself to the meetings. i am looking forward to attending with him and showing him support.
My husband has a good job too, but like you I find myself carrying most of the bills. It becomes hard to count on a pay check that disappears. I threw my husband out of the house a month ago. It has given me time to think about what I want and how I want to live.
I admire your ability to continue to support your husband. I am not so sure that I am at that place any more. I have heard too many lies and been hurt too many times.
If you choose to stay with your husband I agree that it is important to support him 120%, but you need to remember that this is his fight not yours. You cannot fight the drugs for him. If you try, I can promise yourself that you will lose yourself in the battle.
I have been in a tug of war with the drugs for my husband, but I have let the rope down. He says things are going better andhe is clean, but he is broke all of the time and that reality speaks volumes to me.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you stay true to yourself in all of this.
we secretly dated until we became engaged and were finally married two months ago.
Ummmm, will you elaborate on this?
Why did the two of you sneak around?
I mean, the only scenarios that come to mind are...
he was involved with someone else,
or, you're a lot younger then him.
scaredwife wrote:
about 5 months before our wedding date, he had a binge
which had him missing for almost 3 days and he lost his job from this.
When he realized i was going to leave him and call of the wedding
he decided to admit that he ran into an old drug friend
and went to an place from back then that was a very dark place.
LOL....yeah....right
scaredwife wrote:
trust became a serious issue as he freaquently maintained
very dark friends and kept very late nites.
I always interrogated him(as he referred to it)
because deep down i always knew he did not give it up,
every though he swore up and down he did.
it had been very difficult to continue to try to support his addition as a loving partner
and believe what i absolutly knew were lies...
lots and lots of lies. bad ones, stupid ones
You're not going anywhere...and trust me...he knows it too!
scaredwife wrote:
finally contronted him and told him
he had to stop lying to me and that the charade was over.
i would leave him if he was not honest with me....
ROFLMFAO
You threatened to leave him and call off the wedding,
if he didn't want to be honest with you then....
well, he's been lying to you ever since and you've know it.
Like I said...You're not going anywhere,
let alone, planning to go anywhere.
scaredwife wrote:
...he broke down and admitted it all to me
ROFLMFAO
He didn't break down and admit sh-t to you...
you f-cking busted him!
I'm sure the moment you found out,
what he had been doing for the 3 days he was MIA,
a lot of things concerning him were becoming clear and making sense...
You realized he wasn't being upfront with you for some time.
Going back a lot farther then from after and since his 3 day 'binge'.
And you were determined to prove it.
scaredwife wrote:
i had to find the evidence to blow his lies out of the water. i kept a detailed record of dates and times of his late nites and details of his lies, of who and when he spoke to certain people and supposedly where he said he was at certain times. when i had enough information, i was able to get phone records of our joint cell phone bill and every day he was supposedly enjoying late nites with "friends" either playing cards, helping a friend fix a car, helping a friend move....blah blah blah.... i finally had the evidence of the very contrary.
What took you so long to start playing detective anyway?
What...you realized how deep the sh-t was after you moved in with him.
scaredwife wrote:
he really couldnt believe someone loved hiim this much
and would go to such lengths to uncover this and still support him.
That's not love, it's obsession.
That isn't support, it's control.
I find it hard to believe he didn't go off on you.
I find it hard to believe that you assume,
everyone believes your modified version of the situation.
Trust me, I've already inserted what you thought you were leaving out,
and removed what you thought sounded good.
I really can't believe you ended up marrying him anyway...
you were fully aware of all the red flags popping up,
and you just kept your eyes wide shut anyway.
Nice way to spend your first 2 months as newlyweds....
playing detective....yep, she gets where she goes!
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
wow, Lynne,
thank you for your harsh words. I am sorry you think i have somehow manipulated the truth in telling a modified story. my unabridged version would have been 3 pages long. I tried to give pertinent hightlights.
1) we only snuck around dating because we worked together and did not want everybody knowing at first, until it wound up getting serious and we got engaged. no big deal there, he has never been married, and we went to school together 25 years ago. we are both 41.
you are right, i did bust him and he had to admit it only because of that. but no he did not go off on me and i totally thought he would too, but isnt it possible he wants to quit and come clean again also. why is that such an impossiblity.
yes, it took my quite a long time to play detective because i was in denial as well i guess, and like i said i am not familiat with the characteristics of drugs at all. my ex husband was an alchohoic and he never lied about it, being drunk was hard to hide. apparently being high and staying out is easier to lied about and get away with.
i am sorry everything i say, which is the truth, you are sceptical about.
all i did was to come on here to get advise, i never said it was going to be easy and maybe it wont last or work, but i am going to try to help him and support him.
thanks for your support, or lack of support anyway.
Dear Scared
You have every reason to be scared. Lynn's brutal honesty is the reality check you refused to give yourself. It is the denial you kept yourself in. There is much support here for you. Because we as addicts will not candy coat the reality of what addiction is about. I would suggest a Co-Depenancy group for yourself, you went into this marriage that way. You have lost yourself.
Stick around. You will need us.
Peace to you and your husband
Anastasia
_________________ Healer........... Heal thy self
Last edited by excrackerjack on Apr 01, 2008 - 07:03 PM; edited 1 time in total
i want to stick around. I do need the support and guidance to be able to support him. but tell me, the people on this site, the addicts and non-addicts, is there a success rate, do people finally take the better road? i want to believe its possible, but some of the posters make me feel like i am an self-interest person for even considering that he could change. i am no fool, believe me, i am just trying to be optomistic, and learn as much as i can. i am seeking a meeting in my area for cocaine family members, so that i may get really involved. but why is this website here if not to encourage? i dont want candy coating by no means, i know the rollar coaster this disease has put me on so far, and i dont expect it to end without a fight, but i am willing to try. i will not lose myself in the process, but i have to try.
Girlfriend, unless you want to spend YEARS of your life playing detective, going through your cell phone records, worrying where your husband and sex life went and trying to rebuild TRUST, get out now. Go to his meetings, support him, but sit back and try to be objective... if he is just going through the motions and is easily triggered to use again, get out. There aren't many success stories out there and I hate to say it, but in my opinion, you shouldn't have married him. Not knowing about how bad it can be is understandable but now that you have educated yourself, please protect yourself, your money and your future. This man may recover; he may not. All you can do is make sure he doesn't drag you down with him. You deserve better.
What may be taken here as harsh, critical words are actually statements of reality that are necessary if you are to rise from above the contols that your loved one's addiction has over your life as well as your emotions.
Consider that you have very little control over your loved ones actions while he is willing to remain in active addiction. While you can encourage and support his movement towards sobriety, the cold hard fact of the matter is his sobriety, his willingness to acheive and maintain his sobriety is dependant on him. You need to be prepared for the idea the change may not be in the immediate future, if at all....
What you do have the power to control is how you allow his addiction, and the issues surrounding his addiction to effect you. It is very typical for an addict to tell you what they feel you want to hear. Unless an addict is willing to sdmit first that there is a problem, and is willing and determined to acheive and maintain sobriety, nothing happens.
I can tell you from my own experience that playing detective does absolutely nothing to improve your loved ones addiction. If he wants to use, and is willing to use, he will continue to use and you will be powerless at stopping him. As much as we want to be able to relieve them of the burden of their addiction, our hands are tied.
You are being encouranged to change the things that you have the power to change about your situation that effect YOU. Simply put this is realistically all that you can do, with the exception of supporting him in recovery efforts when he is ready. Deciding what you are willing, or not willing to accept in a relationship is a good beginning.
Once you decide, you can begin setting boundaries with your best interest in mind, and responsibility for your own your own health and emotional well being. Set only boundaries that you know and are confident that you can uphold, otherwise you are no different then the addict that tells you what you want to hear, only to do an about face at the first opportunity to do so, before long the words are meanless and mean nothing.
By concentrating on you and the things that you CAN CONTROL, you can begin the recovery of yourself that you had previously surrendered in the name of your loved ones addiction.
Nothing about addiction is easy. What the members here are encouraging you to do is to accept the idea that denial is not exclusive to the addict. While we can encourage and support sobriety for our loved ones we must also realize that "if we don't own it. and can't control it, WE CAN"T FIX IT.
Have hope, but at the same time keep a firm grip on the reality that moving from addiction to sobriety belongs to your husband. Keeping "yourself" moving in a positive and forward direction, belongs to you....
I have been where you are now, and am currently working on keeping myself moving forward in a positive direction. I know how painful it can be to move forward when a loved one is lost and struggling, it's not easy, but the only other option is to stay and live it allowing each day that follows to pull us under in the downward spiral of addiction....
Dear Scared Wife,
I don't mean to bum you out, but I forgot to tell you, as a recovering addict (I have over a year clean) when I read your husband was gung ho going to meetings and fishing right away..... well check that.
I used the "i'm going to a meeting and coffee" excuse for months to get out of the house.
Just letting you know. Cocaine especially crack... would make you lie to the Pope.
I forgot to tell you, as a recovering addict (I have over a year clean) when I read your husband was gung ho going to meetings and fishing right away..... well check that.
LOL...At least it slipped your mind.
I chose not to give her the 'heads up',
and let her know what was really going on.
scaredwife wrote:
he actually went to a meeting the very next day
and came home with paperwork and phone numbers of his new sponsors.
he is communicating very much right now,
his verbiage now since he admitted everything has been more accountable though, he is telling me that he was very weak and vulnerable and there is nobody to blame but himself.
he wants me to go with him next week to a meeting with him, he asked his sponser and he told him it would be a good idea to show me how his is commiting himself to the meetings.
we have been inseperable for the last 3 days since the breakthru as i want to call it,
he is focusing all his energy on fishing, which is a huge hobby for him and that is what is consuming his attention for the moment.
he is apoligizing to me for the exccessive fishing talk,
This guy is so full of it, she just doesn't know.
He is so, giving her the biz and playing her....
but, she'll find that out soon enough.
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
To scaredwife
I just want to say dont pay any attention to comments made in regards to yur marriage, or personal realtionship. It might be comming off rather bad and alarming that you werent able to see him using or an addicit. Even After the scare of the pre marriage disapperaring act to snort coke. That has nothing to with why you are here. Love is strong and can cause you to over look certian factors in his behaivor but I do not blame you. This drug is srtong and makes you an unbelieveable great liar. Stories and excuess fly out the mouth with a breeze.
I myself am in that same situation. So heres my advice to you.
Now that you know of his use, take note, remember charaterics he as shown or told for this drug. I wouldnt strongly suggest the detectice role. Would actually strongly discourge it to a degree. Making him feel like he can not br trusted by the one he wishes to share and be there for him, might cause him to fnd new ways yo lie and go behide yuor back bypassing your spys.
I stronger suggests support, encouragment. Not sure how to do this?
Do not let a day go by with out bringing it up. Ask him everyday about it, how he feels, does he want. Sometimes more than once a day. Let him know you are constisdently checking on him that way. doing so might give you the oppertunity for him to share more of his usage and feeling.
because BELIEVE ME, no matter how shocking or open he might have been with you... theres more. There is always something more he isnt sure if he should share yet. testing the waters sort to say.
If you stay on him that way. each talk might lead to more infor. Encourge him to do more, fishing is good. Hopefully you can get to the point when he can share when the drug craving is strong, because it does hit.it is strong. And commig from me, only clean 3 days, no matter what you have shared or said, even to yuorself,logic is pushed away and the temptation is mindboogling.
If yo wish to play detective. do so randomly.dont let him know yuor on his tracks if hes back to old games. check bank account for withdraws and phone log. maybe a hiding spot or two where you know he kept it.
I came clean to my lady about my problem. She didnt know how to take it. We love each other, but had no idea. She was pissed, I asked her to be, to show me shes mad, because thats a huge part in the hidding shame game of coke. After she vented and talking, I asked her to stay on me. Ask everyday, more sex instead of coke.
I also told her to know when enough is enough. I straight up put it out there, because I dont want to hurt people I love anymore, If I go back, or do her wrong in this.... to be strong enough to leave.
give yuor man an honest try. I believe quitting is ture. but stay ture to yuorself. Since yuo know he had a previous addiction it might be alot harder with him.. Know when to quit and get yourself out.
one last thing. I've noticed with comming clean and trying to stay clean. We might seem very open. spilling the beans. words of encouragement, statments of wanting honest quitting. Something I think everyone does when confroned. It might be true, and sound sincer, but its covered up. These words and saying are real, but laying under the drug. Honestly in some way its another lie and excuess of coke. An atempt to cover the problem with what yuo want to hear... but ontop off the words, and in our head is coke.
Stay on him and let those words break through the coccaine.
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to the site. You have found a good place for support and information. What you receive here may not always be what you would like to hear, but it is given with your best interest in mind.
