Post subject: Just found out my husband is using..whatnow?
I'm fresh out of water on this, so please bare with me. I just found out my husband of 13 years (he's 45, I'm 37) has been using for the past "six" months. We have 2 beautiful, wonderful children (4yr and 2yr) AND I'm 30 weeks pregnant with #3. I would have NEVER thought in a million years that this could happen to me (and him).
He didn't confess, I confronted him because of some weird telephone calls he was getting from a woman. I was prepared to find out about an affair when it ends up to be his dealer! I don't know what is worse. I'm still in shock and not sure what to do next. He says he's been wanting to tell me and quit, but I'm not sure I believe him. All the lies are starting to make perfect sense now and I'm in shock at how someone could lie so easily and often. We have had a great marriage and he's a great father and has a high professional status and I just DO NOT understand how ANYONE could be willing to throw all that away!!
He says he's been using maybe once a week or two for the past six months, but then stopped 2 weeks ago. I don't know what that means exactly because I have never used cocaine, never even thought about it. I've done other rec drugs (way in the past) but have never been addicted to anything. My husband on the other hand has fought with addiction since I've know him (drinking, smoking, etc), so I do realize this is bigger than just a choice he made. However, I am NOT going to tolerate this now matter what the reason. My kids and I deserve better.
I'm really writing to see if anyone can give me some advice on what to say and what not to say *at this stage). Part of me wants to hold him like a child and the other part wants to shake him and slap him upside the head! What I want to say is that I want full control over monitoring his credit card (for cash withhdrawls) and he has to approve all ATM withhdrawls through me first and that if he does it again that I know he's not serious about keeping his family and then...whatnext??? I just don't know how this is supposed to work.
If there are any recovering addicts out there that could tell me what got their attention and what made them want to run to the nearest dealer, it sure would be helpful. I feel like a fish out of water on this one. I love him and our family more than anything, but I'm NOT going down this road with our children watching. Thank you!
Ok so I've pretty much been living the life of yuor husband myself. You say you have a strong marriage, and good family. Thats awsome and huge. From my point that means hes not using because he's angry or upset with that situation, but more of a personal matter. If you've noticed lots of lies or odd behaivors, followed by an arugment.. its most likey due of coke. It seems, as a hidding addict, that it is easier to lie, or create an argument, to get out of the situation. He knows this, it does hurt and bother him, but since he cant share the ture resson for poor actions, behavior, or arguments, it creates shame. Shame leads to more hidding.
His intendtions are problay ture, expressed to you when confronted, or time of open talking, but the shame and secert are always behind it.
Honestly, now that you know, it might make it easier for him to stop. The pressure of hidding, and lieing are gone. Out on the table, he cant hide anymore.
This just happened to me. In my case though, I spilt the beans. But the feelings are ture. If he says he wants to quite, he does. And know that you know, helps.
You have the right to e mad, and slap him. But he need yuor support. Dont push him though. Pushing leads to running, and guess where he will run>?
In my opion, try to be open. express how yuoy feel, anger, and question. But in a caring matter. Show him you are there, listen, and ask. But more than anything dont hold it aganist him in the fact of anger. You have yuor right to be mad, he knows that.
Honestly he wants to see it, hear it. But not continusely. Share what you feel then be ready to be there for him. Let him feel like he can lose the drug, and gain you. Honestly, thisdrug starts out as fun. give you a high. Give you motoation, a drivr to do right things.
I found my self using to give me the engery to get more done for myself and family. But hidding that leads to abuseing it. and then come the addiction.
Trust me. His word is good. Be ther for him. Help him. Offer things to do, activties, work-outs, but dont let up. Keep on him, and push for openness, talks. Ask how he feels, craqvings, and let him know if he wants to stop... You know he can.
You are not alone. Many of us share similar stories. Read as much as you can on this site. I found out my husband's usage after he was arrested. last year and I read about it in the local newspaper. He went to rehab but has recently relapsed. It has been a very very difficult choice for me chosing between loving him and keeping my own sanity.
At least here in this forum people genuinely understand exactly what you are feeling. Personally, when I found this place I was overwhelmed with the words that were here because I was feeling so alone and I felt like no one understood what I was going through.
I pray for you and your family. May you use the words that are here to help you make the best decisions for you, your children and your husband.
In addition to the forum section of this site, the information listed in the main menu provides us with several links that can be very helpful and informative regarding addiction and addiction issues.
There is a wealth of information contained here on this site that can help you gain a clearer perspective of what you are now facing.
I agree that keeping honest communication flowing is very important. The link that I provided for you also explains how not to enable your loved one, while you can encourage and support them in positive ways.
The more you can educate yourself and communicate with others in similiar situations the better perspective you may gain in order to help move things in the best possible direction for everyone involved.
keep reading and posting ...
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Whatnow, I'm so sorry u are having to go threw this-really I am... I wish I had all the answers... But I don't... All I can alford u today is words of encouragement... Let me say u aren't alone in your journey... U have people here that are praying and pulling for u and your family... Do u have anyone u can talk to that lives near u??? What about a preacher or minister??? The reason I say that is cause I have talked to both and really think they helped me more than going to someone that charged over a $100.00 a hour... The ones I talked to didn't judge me or my husband... And just listened to what I had to say... Don't know if u liked that idea or not... I hope u find someone soon that can help u before all these drives u crazy tho... Take care and I will be praying for u and yor family... Cat
I wish that Whatnow came back on. I can remember the first days when I learned about my husband's addiction. I felt so completely alone, and I came to this website religiously just to know that I was not the only person feeling what I felt. Words cannot possibly express the comfort I found here, and still continue to find.
Do a lot of people come on here for a day or two and then leave?
I want to thank everyone who responded to me since my first posting (i'm not even sure this is the way to "reply" to you). I cannot tell you how much help it has been to hear from you.
I feel like I have to live this crazy lie because I cannot talk to anyone about this right now. I'm scared to hear what my family and friends would say, not to mention my husbands position at work. He would be fired on the spot if they knew. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since I first found out about my husbands use. It's like every time I wake up in the morning or think of it during the day, or especially looking in my kids eyes, I get that sinking feeling and feel like my life isn't at all what I thought it was. How could I be so stupid not to know something as huge as this? What else do I not know? What if he's lying about how long he's been using and this is worse than I even know. Not to mention the long term trust issues on every level that has surfaced. I'm so confused as to what to do. I'm trying to keep the subject open and make small comments here and there, but he says it's over and that's that. Is that possible? I just find it hard to believe that you just quit and all goes back to normal. I need to get some information on withddrawl symptoms to know what to look for.
My biggest fear is that he will use again and then I just don't even know what to do. I feel like I would have to ask him to leave! But then have to explain to my sweet kids why their daddy who they adore is not here? UGH I find myself paranoid every time his cell phone rings or just today he said that he needs to work late (which is when he was doing it before to get caught up at work). What is my role here? Do I screen everything he's doing to make sure he doesn't use again? I don't want to push him away either. This is almost just too much to handle most days. Thinking that your entire life (and your children's life) is at the edge of a cliff every second of every day and I don't have any real control over what is going to happen. Most of the time I'm furious at him, but still sad for him at the same time.
Thank you again for responding and sharing your stories. I'm taking in all the advice I'm getting from addicts (or recovering addicts), and family members. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about the drug itself and the disease so that I can do the right thing. Anything that has worked in similiar situations would be helpful too. But just knowing that there are a lot of people out there dealing with this is so helpful. Thank you!!
If you have family, a job, or any resources whatsoever, get out now. Put your children first. My 16 yr old son has watched his father go from "Dad" to a man he doesn't know or trust. It is heartbreaking. If you go, maybe he will re-evaluate his situation and decide he doesn't what cocaine more than his family. Good luck!
I don't know Missmeltdown. I am at the same crossroads myself. And I have a job, a house, and a personal intact bank account. I am not so sure that abandonment is the only answer. It is certainly one option, but it is not the only option. I am living separately from my husband, but we are not seperated. I think the first time you find out you have to try to help your spouse. They dictate the line from there. Who knows where I will wind up with my husband---and I would not judge someone who walked away. My husband has not made the best decisions since the first time I found out. It is good to know that I will be okay---or at least trying no matter what happens. Because instead of focusing on him and his addiction, I am thinking about myself for the first time in a long time.
At what point did you decide to move out? My entire world has flipped in a matter of a week. I had NO IDEA this was even possible let alone what it all means. He is saying all the right things and he really is a decent person in every way. He is never angry about it. He says he is so glad i found out and now he can get help and move on. But he hasn't done anything like going online or finding out about support groups. Deep down I feel like there is a lot he is not telling me or I'm just paranoid. Just tonight I got his wallet and set up all his bank accounts and credit cards online and have gone through them all. I cannot believe that someone who has always been so tight with money could spend thousands of dollars on this. That shows me it's even more serious than i thought. My gut tells me to make him leave if I can prove he is lying even ONE more time. I feel sick just typing this. I'm just not the kind of person that can live this kind of life. I want to be supportive, but I'm just not going to even walk two steps down this road if he is not serious about quiting forever. I don't even have the energy with two small kids and being 7 months pregnant. How sad does that sound? This drug can affect ANYONE. I would have never thought. I do have a great job that I've been with for 15 years, stable income and investments and if I am going to be on my own with 3 kids, I'll sure need it! Thanks for your support and response.
I did not leave. I threw all of his stuff out of the front door in late February. Last year he went to rehab in Feb/Mar. I stayed with him and supported him throughout. Everything went realy well until December and he started using again. I stuck with him for awhile thinking that my life would come back together until he stayed out all night using. started lllokin at bank statements ad other clues and knew all too well what was happening. ENOUGH for me at that point
We still see each other quite a bit. Things have changed alot. I have moved away from looking and digging through all of the clues. I did that for too long.
All I can say I can say is that you will be okay. If you want to talk more I will send you my personal info. I am a litle ahead of you. All can do is share my own story, and I almost feel like it is to long to write here. I am also ot sure if I can find the perfect words to say how I feel.
In any event, I am gunning for you and your kids. I hope you can get out of the ?/|\. I know all too well how it feels and I genuinely wish I could help.
Thank you so much for responding. I would really like to hear more about your story. Just today I found that there has already been a lie (and usage) since the whole thing exploded a week ago. Tonight I told him that if he does it again, that he needs to move out. I've been reading more about what this drug does to your brain and honestly it seems like a loosing battle. I'm devastated and can't go for more than a few minutes whithout breaking down. And it's SO hard to keep on the happy face around the kids. But I feel like I have to. Most of the time it's the kids that break my heart. They ADORE him and he really is a great father. And how am I going to raise 3 small kids on my own? I already feel like I have to put myself in that thought process which never even crossed my mind before I knew about this. I'm very close with my family and feel like i can't even talk to them on the phone without them knowing something is wrong. I got my husband to sign up online for help, but it's like i had to ask him. HE should be up all night researching online what he can do to help himself, but he is just more worried about me and freaking out. he's nver seen me this way before. I'm so sorry to ramble on, I just can't get enough out to feel any better. I just wish i could hear more success stories and feel somewhat positive about any of this, but it's just dark and very scary. Thank you again for your support and look forward to talking more with you. Sharon
Hello Whatnow,I hope u are doing better than the last time I posted here... I just wanted to stop by and tell u I have been thinking about u and praying for u and your family... Take care girl... And keep your head up high, Cat
hi sharon,
I am pretty much in the same boat as you, i too had an "awakening: last week. you can refer to my original post on this website called "confronted my husbands lies". that will give you a small insite as to what i have been going thru. but as of this moment, my husband has just left for his 11th meeting and things have been very good so far. I am certainly on guard and will probably always be that way. What i will tell you about this site, it was a good place to start and i did get alot of information by reading all the various posts. when you read mine, you will see that everybody is not as genuinely here to "help" the newcomers, but dont let that get you down, they are many addicts and recovering addicts at every level, and you have to not be swayed in any direction that you do not feel comfortable in. I went last week to my first cocaine-anon meeting for family members and that was a huge thing for me. I felt welcome and safe and I felt that everyone there genuinely encouraged me. There has to be a time when you free yourself and let go of those that dont want our help. thankfully, my husband is helping himself so much this week. he seeked out his own meetings and is going no matter what. we have spoken openly about the times this week when the urge to use came upon him and he told me something that has helped him, he says that the urge or desire seems to come at the same time, similar to how it did before i confronted him, around late afternoon was when he would start the scheming to see how he would successfull get out for the nite, 5-7pm seems to be the common timeframe, but since he has been clean and sober, it is at that exact time every day that he is getting ready for his daily meetings and that is working for him. that feeling dissapates and he feels stronger for saying no and heading for the meetings.
all I can say, is that if you love your husband like i love mine, you will start the process of recovery with him, but if your gut tells you he is not being truthful, be strong for you and your children and give him an ultimatum. he has to realize his choice to use is going to cost him his family.
I read your story "confronted" and I'm so glad to hear your husband is on the right track. I've been searching for success stories just to try and stay sane and positive. I'm scared because my husband hasn't taken any steps for the next step! I've been online 24/7 for the past week trying to get all the information i can but he hasn't done anything. I don't think he knows what the next step is except to just suffer when he "crashes". I have already given him an ultimatium that he will need to leave if he continues to lie and use. I just don't see how I can help him if there isn't any consequence for doing it. Clearly there are MANY, but I'm sure to the addict they don't see dying, loosing their job or family, etc as one. What has worked for you to help your husband? I can't seem to figure out what i'm supposed to do now. I don't understand this drug at all (never done it), so it's so hard for me to be understanding about it. It just seems dark and scary. But I am willing to do ANYTHING. I don't want to push him away, but at the same time, I don't want to make it ok. Thanks for the info on the family anony meetings. I had no idea. That is what i need. i have felt crazy and can't even talk to friends or family on the phone because i keep breaking down. Thanks for listening and caring. Sharon
well, I dont understand this dark world either. even though i know what he was doing all those late nites being MIA, still doesnt make it better. I find myself looking at him at dinner now or watching tv and i can't even picture him passed out and coked out on some stranger's couch or whatever, it sickens me. then to look back at the money struggles we have had and still have, to think thousands of dollars were spent on this. I cannot conceive of how much money this habit entails and again, when i think about it, it sickens me. but i have to put it aside and if i have agreed to support this recovery I have to keep those things in the past and not look back, i can't change it. I have to just pay very close attention at the behavior patterns every day. watch him closely and not get to comfortable.
what did work for me so far was that i told him it was ok to choose the drugs over his family but if so, i wanted him out of my house the next morning. and no matter how difficult, i would have had to follow thru. if he chose us, he had to hand over his atm card, and i had to become totally in charge of the money...his and mine. he was willing to do this, which was a huge step for him. no matter how strong his desire to say no was, if he had a huge wad of money in his pocket....he was powerless over it and its persuasion. his direct deposit is now transferred in my account/the household account, and he gets a reasonable allowance now for gas and lunch. that is it. he is actually ok with this as he knows he shouldnt be trusted for now. the responsiblily is his now to prove to me that he wants to change. i cannot force him to change, he does not want that sneaky life anymore, and i believe him. for the first time in two years, i believe what he is telling me. he is sleeping and eating so much better now, he used to be so restless thru the nite, that is if he even fell asleep before 3am. his schdule is so changed now, by 11pm, he is actually asking me to come to bed now. he feels more rested come the morning. he was always easily agitated, especially when i asked him a question that he felt was invading or interrogating. now, i can ask him anything out of the blue and he answers without thinking twice. i really dont think i did anything special, i think i am just lucky that it was his time. what i can do now is just stay close beside him and not let him trip himself up and lose sight of what he wants. I wont let those demons take over him again, i keep praying they stay away.
i wish you much luck and hope during this time, we are both gonna need it.
and PS, another thing that i think helps in giving support, keep the accusations and condescending fighting to a minumum. i know it is going to be hard, but in the beginning of last week when i was shell shocked over the whole thing, i yelled and screamed and basically cut his self esteem in pieces and made him feel very small and worthless. because i was so strong and he was so weak, i had to keep reminding him of this over the course of 24 hours. then when i got it all out of my system, that was it. i said my peace and in order for him to get stronger, i had to stop my behavior too. i will not judge him anymore or berate him while he is conciously trying to stay clean, that would be totally counter productive of me. so now when i want to vent a little, i save it for my co anon support meetings, where they understand my venting and i feel like i got it off my chest and did not jeopordize his progress.
so anyway, good luck and i want to hear how things are going for you soon.
denise
oh and another thing i think you should consider doing. if you wait for him to get online himself and find a support meeting at his leisure....that might not happen, especially if it hasnt happened already. what you need to do is find meetings for him yourself, print them out and take him there. get a sitter for the kids, make the arrangements and take him there, wait outside or get some coffee but push those meetings on him aggressively. when push comes to shove he will either concede and go with you or not. at least you will know right away if he is serious or not. he will string you along and tell you he is going to go, or he cant find a suitable meeting, but whatever the excuse, if you have made the arrangementns, he has to make his decision then and there.
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