found out husband using 6 months ago, does trust ever return

cindy1977 · Newbie

Hi all,
I'm new to this site, I would appreciate any reasonable replies as i feel like I'm going out of my mind.
I found out about 6 months ago that my husband was using cocaine, and I told him to leave, but he promised he had stopped and would never do it again, we've got 2 kids 11 and 13, we've been married 13 years, we were only 18 at the time. i told him that it will take me a long time to be able to trust him again and for the past 3 months i have been ok, until this weekend, we went out together and the day after all the old feelings of paranoia came back. There were a couple of things that triggered my suspicion and i have been going out of my mind ever since. Also, he's been avoiding me like the plague which says to me he has a guilty concience. I feel like I can't let this go, does anyone have any idea how to bring this up?

shampoo · Resident

hello,
my now"ex" avoided me too.....come to find out he was using like crazy and cheating on me. ck your accounts, watch where the money goes. get his cell phone and see who he calls.(if you want to find out) i wouldnt want to live like this forever but if you need to see for yourself if hes using those are good sure ways to find out. hows his moods? how about sex performance? when trust leaves a marriage, it never seems to be the same.
good luck
Tracy

cindy1977 · Newbie

Hi Tracy,
Thanks for the advice.
I think that the other day was just a one off, if that, the thing is I'm not sure. But it's the fact that I'm suspecting him again after 3 months and it's bringing back all those feelings of hurt from the lies. Even if he didn't use at the weekend, it just brings to light the fact that I don't trust him. Will I ever trust him again or am I always going to be suspicious and paranoid? It's really getting me down.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

cindy1977 wrote:

Hi all,
I'm new to this site, I would appreciate any reasonable replies as i feel like I'm going out of my mind.
I found out about 6 months ago that my husband was using cocaine, and I told him to leave, but he promised he had stopped and would never do it again, we've got 2 kids 11 and 13, we've been married 13 years, we were only 18 at the time. i told him that it will take me a long time to be able to trust him again and for the past 3 months i have been ok, until this weekend, we went out together and the day after all the old feelings of paranoia came back. There were a couple of things that triggered my suspicion and i have been going out of my mind ever since. Also, he's been avoiding me like the plague which says to me he has a guilty concience. I feel like I can't let this go, does anyone have any idea how to bring this up?

(if you feel like discussing it)
May I ask how you found out about his using,
and, what was it that triggered your suspicion?
What happened this past weekend that set off an alarm?

And, this may sound stupid but,
how has he been avoiding you...how, in what way?

Physically avoiding you...
not coming home till you're in bed.
verbally avoiding you...
an, out of the ordinary lack of communication.

Why do you feel or sense he is 'ignoring' you, so to say?

As far as your question...
does anyone have any idea how to bring this up?

Well, do just that...straight out, bring it up.
Tell him your feelings and concerns.
Let him know what is bothering you.

cindy1977 wrote:

I think that the other day was just a one off, if that, the thing is I'm not sure. But it's the fact that I'm suspecting him again after 3 months and it's bringing back all those feelings of hurt from the lies. Even if he didn't use at the weekend, it just brings to light the fact that I don't trust him. Will I ever trust him again or am I always going to be suspicious and paranoid? It's really getting me down.

Whether or not you will ever trust him again and get past,
feeling suspicious and paranoid all the time...is up to you.

I'd like to ask you something....
Is it that you don't trust him, or,
you're afraid to trust him and be let down?

I, myself, am not married and have never been married.
But, I do have 3 children by 2 different men.
I believe that marriage is a serious commitment to make.
I don't think divorce should be an easy escape,
but, I know that divorce is sometimes the only option.

Marriage, like any invested relationship,
requires a foundation of trust, built on love.

People are human...
we all make mistakes, we all screw up.

For myself, there are times, loving someone means....
there are times I have to choose forgiveness,
there are times I have to be understanding,
there are times I have to be vulnerable and willing to trust again.

Just as, there will be times I need to be forgiven,
there will be times where I need to be understood,
there will be times where I need to be trusted again.

It's not that we love,
it's how we love.

Welcome

to the site.

Peace
Lynn

pause4poetry · Moderator

Hi Cindy,

Welcome to the site!

Quote:

Will I ever trust him again or am I always going to be suspicious and paranoid? It's really getting me down.

Trust is something that a person earns.
I had asked the same question myself
countless times.

I have a loved one in addiction also.
I can tell you that although I was willing
to stand by him in spite of the addiction,
when the lies began to surface, it was one
of the most difficult pills for me to swallow.

I agree that if a relationship can not be based
on trust there is serious trouble in the horizon.

Today there does seem to be a code of honesty
between us. He is open with me regarding his
addiction and will also offer up information
without me asking.

Consider that you have to open communication
to a point that your loved one feels it is ok
to be truthful with you. This means staying calm
and not reacting in a degrading, or confrontational
way.

I personally would rather have the truth, even
if it hurts, because lies cut much deeper in the
long run.

As Lynn has said, We are all human and we all
make mistakes. Keeping this in mind should make
it easier to allow another to share the truth with-
out feeling the firing squad is about unload.
In the beginning, when it was obvious that he was
being honest with me, seriously, I thanked him for
his honesty.

Through the most trying point in my loved ones
addiction, I removed myself from the role of "girlfriend,"
and took on the role of "friend." It may sound like an
insignificant difference, but it allowed me to approach
things from a different perspective with him.

You have found a good place for information and support, please keep reading ...

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

cindy1977 · Newbie

Hi Lynn and Michelle,

Thanks for your advice and support, really appreciate it.
Even before I read your replies, I confronted him and he admitted it. As I suspected, it was a 1 off, a moment of weakness. We had a good long chat and I'm feeling much better about things.
Thanks again guys.
Cindy