I can't stop thinking about crack, everyday, every hour of the day crack is in my mind. I dream about smoking crack. I want to get crack out of my head. I want to be thru with this demon.
I'm 36 years old. The first time I tried crack was in High school. I partied with it a few times with friends, and thankfully I didn't become addicted. I didn't smoke it again till about two years ago. I didn't like the experience. I didn't like getting it, smoking it all, and going back out to get more again and again until it was morning. I felt like crap for the next two days. I didn't do it again until January 08. I got turned on to it by a friend. But this time I got psychologically addicted to crack. I'm not an everyday user. I use it to get high, but I hate comming down. I hate feeling like a fiend when the crack is gone. I hate feeling guilty about giving in to crack. I smoke it about once every 7 to 10 days. But most days I struggle not to call my dealer. After 9 days off of crack, I broke down last night and bought an 80.00 bag. Ofcourse this morning I'm overridden with guilt. And I'm ashamed of myself for being weak and giving in to this crack demon. This has been going on for 3 months now, every 7 to 10 days I buy crack, and I've spent in excess of 1000.00 thus far. I wish I could make it stop. My delima is 80% of me wants to never do crack again, but 20% of me wants to smoke crack to feel the high of that first blast. Most days I'm strong enough to not use crack, but sometimes I just give in to the crack demon. I need to find the strength to rid my life of this demon. Any advice is appreciated...thanks
Can you tell what did you try in order to stop smocking crack?
Do you drink alcohol, if yes how much?
Any other drag involvement/ experimentation?
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
I called the crack hotline, for advice to stop smoking crack. I felt like the man I spoke to on the crack hotline was making a sales pitch for me to go to rehab in Florida, rather then encouragement for me to not smoke today. I don't beleive my brain chemicals have become rewired, yet. I can still feel good about myself. I workout regulary and consistantly, eat a healthy diet, and feel good about my job and relationships. I've been drinking alcohol more heavily over the past three months. I drink 3 or 4 glasses of red wine before bedtime 6 to 7 nights a week. I feel like the alcohol takes the edge off and calms me down.I have not smoked pot in a couple months. The thing about the wine is that I don't feel guilty. But when I smoke crack, when it gone I feel guilt and self loathing. The alcohol calms me down and I sleep like a baby. The crack makes my mind race, I hate the crack demon. I want to stop thinking about crack
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
I've been spending hours on here reading post after post, story after story. Some stories scare the *censored sh_t out me, other stories give me hope. People quit smoking crack, and if someone can do it, then I can do it. I've read stories about people losing everything, living in crack houses, getting thrown in jail, hitting rock bottom. I also have read success stories of people quitting smoking crack and making a full recovery. I possess the power to quit smoking crack. I feel even more hope after discoverying the website rational.org I'm here to quit smoking crack. I have too much to lose. I'm married, two children, my own business. I do NOT intend for my story to be how I lost everything because of smoking crack. I'm here to quit crack, to defeat crack, and to set an example that one can quit smoking crack. This is my first day in recovery from smoking crack. I want to be here in a year to say that I have not smoked crack in a year. I try to view it as crack being something outside of myself. As long as I don't take crack and smoke it into my lungs, I'll be free of this demon. Sounds easy, but I know how powerful the urges can be. I believe if I can make it until May without smoking crack, then I can make it forever. Believe me, I pray to my higher power everyday for strength. And I pray now for the strength to defeat the crack demon...Amen
Welcome deliciousswaggerdog, you deffinately have found an excellent place for support to stop smoking crack. One thing I might suggest to you, rather than try to see far into the future take smaller steps. Each day when you wake up tell yourself "Today... I AM HAVING A DRUG FREE DAY" and at the end of your day if you do have a higher power in your life give thanks for that family of yours, that job of yours, and for that drug free day.
You will find taking little steps like that make it less overwhelming and you look at the calander one day and it's June. Then you realize crack really isn't a part of your life. I am someone who had it all lost it all and has regained her life once again. Crack cocaine does not care about you or your family or your job or your life or your shame or your guilt.
Thanks Anastasia, your words mean a lot to me, and I appreciate your response.
This is day two for me, and I have much hope I can quit crack. I read the website rational.org and I ordered the book Rational Recovery yesterday, I can't wait until the book arrives.
I can already hear the voice in my head, trying to get me to remember the pleasure of that first blast of crack. I remeber Friday night when the dealer dropped of the crack at my house. I was so excited breaking open the baggie and the little white rocks spilling out onto the plate, I couldn't wait to inhale it into my lungs. But you know what, no matter how pleasurable that first blast was, it was short lived, and when the crack was gone a couple hours later, I was unfulfilled. And I felt like crap most of yesterday. My rational mind tells me that the little bit of pleasure is not worth the pain.
Why so much pain? I've told myself numerous times, "I'll never smoke crack again." Then a week later I smoke more crack. It makes me feel weak when I'm done smoking. I feel like I'm cheating on myself. No one is twisting my arm to smoke crack. I voluntarily get the money, buy the crack, pack it in the stem, light it, and inhale. I'm doing this to myself, with my own free will...No one is holding a gun to my head to smoke crack. I'm telling myself today, just as I voluntarily smoke crack, I can use my free will and NOT smoke crack. I'm here to stop smoking crack. I'm here to eliminate the cravings and urges. I never used to think about crack everyday, and I want to get back to NOT thinking about smoking crack. I view this as the biggest challenge of my life. I believe that once I can get a number of weeks clean of smoking crack, the urges will diminish.
I remember being where you are, I used to be where you are - trying to stop. In my case I couldn't stop on my own and I progressed to daily use and crossing moral lines I never thought I would. You are already doing things I didn't though - you are here looking for help. I tryed to do it alone and that got me now where. So keep extending that hand asking for help like you are here. Journal your thoughts so you can look back and learn. I don't know how you feel right now but when I was at your stage of recovery my mind was so all over I could not focus - journalling helped my thinking slow down just a bit and the act of writing was very therapeutic.
Recovery is possible and there are many different methods out there - the one you need is out there - and you might have already found it. I pray you find what you are after. I have made it 21 months now but I can remember a time where I thought I'd never even make it though the day.
rick, congrats on being crack free for 21 months!! You give me hope.
How do I feel right now?
I'm scared. I refuse to believe that relapse is part of recovery. Maybe I'm foolish, I don't know. I just think if that I believe relapse is part of recovery then, I'm giving myself the green light to smoke crack again. I hate crack, I wish i never smoked it, and I don't want to spiral out of control. I don't believe I have smoked enough, or frequently enough to have rewired my brain. So, I'm trying to nip this problem in the bud before I waste any more resources on the crack demon. I'm pschologically addicted to that feeling of pleasure I get from the first blast of crack. I think about it daily, I've even dreamed about it. I refuse to be a slave to the demon crack. The only way for me to break cracks pull on me is to discontinue its use.
I just finished reading johngaults "My journey to Recovery", I read every post, some posts brought tears to my eyes, other posts made me laugh, but overall I learned the strength crack can have over someones life. As I continued to read, I was shocked that after he had his car stolen, had his fire arm stolen, he'd been to therapists, been to NA meetings, blocked dealers # on his phone, he felt the physical symptoms of the beginning of possible heart attack, that he kept comming back to smoking crack. In his thread, he couldn't quit for his wife or children, he couldn't quit for himself. The fact that he stopped posting on his thread since 11/07, leads me to believe that he still hasn't suceeded. "The journey to my Recovery" was an eye opener to me, of what I'm up against here. I going to fight my battles against crack, and I'm going to win. I'm not cocky about this, just trying to stay positive, and confident that I can win my battles. The post from the woman who's husband died smoking crack touched me more deeply than any other post in that thread. I don't want to end op dead. Amen
Well I am proud of the steps you are taking - you are taking steps alot earlier than I did - I pray you will avoid the suffering I caused and went through!
Keep us in the loop and ask for help if you need it!
Thanks rick_h,
I've gotten a lot of hope by reading the recovery forum. For me this is day 3 being crack free. This morning I went to the drug store and bought a bottle og N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine caps. NAC is suppossed to reduce urges and cravings.
I wouldn't be here posting if I wasn't serious about being free of the crack demon. I just need to take control and NOT smoke crack, and NOT fantasize about smoking crack. I keep telling myself that crack is NOT a fantasy, crack IS a nightmare.
What frightens me, is reading about the other people in here who make the committment to stop smoking crack, but then smoke more crack reguardless of what they previously wrote. I just need to stay strong, I need to NOT smoke crack. Posting here helps me stay strong. I write these words, putting pressure on myself to stay crack free. My weak times are after work during the week, and all day Friday. I'll keep you in the loop, and need all the advice available. thanks
Over the past couple hours I've really been romanticizing the smoking of crack. I know I must be a bit crazy after all I've written about staying strong and defeating the crack demon. Them damn little rocks are in my thoughts. Sometimes just the thought of smoking crack gets my heart beating faster. I popped another NAC pill, that makes 2000mgs today. Writing this post, I actually feel better, stronger that I won't smoke tonight. I read a post that it takes 72 hours for crack to leave your blood stream, and that makes the third day clean from crack pretty tough. I have plans after work tonight, I get out of here at 7pm. Spend sometime with my wife and son, eat, watch a movie, and drink some wine, go to sleep by 10p. This is my routine during the week. But Fridays, I'm off work at noon. Friday at noon, that crack demon is tempting me full force. I hope the NAC really helps, and I can't wait until the book I ordered "Rational Recovery" arrives. I have not gone more than 10 days crack free since January 08. For whatever reason, once I get 10 days crack free, I just give in and buy crack and smoke crack. A couple times I smoked 2 days in a row, that's it. It does not take much for the crack demon to take hold in my mind. I just imagine waking up tomorrow and thanking my higher power for another day crack free, and to give me strength to stay crack free another day. The real test will be Friday. I have to stay positive, once I get passed day 10 I'll be making real quantifiable progress. I don't want to even consider at this time....What IF I FAIL??
If you fail you are no different from others that have failed and still made it - not that you should use that for an excuse - You have another High left in you but you might not have another recovery - so treat each one like your last chance.
If you do fail try something different, try councilling, a support group, treatment - whatever it takes. This is life and death - this disease kills people. If you want it you can have it - but you are going to have to do the work. You didn't become addicted in one day so recovery isn't going to come so easy either.
I'm over the day three hump, and I'm on day 4 crack free. I'm gonna be strong until Friday. Friday will be a huge challenge to not succumb to the crack demon. I'm going to plan activities all day Friday to keep my mind occupied. It would be nice to have someone to talk to on the phone to help me get over rough spots. I've called crack hotlines, they all want to tell me rehad is the only answer, and for 26k we can send you to a dual diagnosis rehad in Florida..lol Sometimes I just need someone to tell me what I need to hear to stay crack free today. My rational self does not want to smoke crack again. My crack demon is strong, but I'm stronger today.
I fell off the wagon last night.....PATHETIC
I'm back to day one, and I write this to hold myself accountable...no excuses
Trigger-My buddy who turned me on to crack back in January called me and asked for a ride to the hospital for detox and rehab. So we smoked crack for one last time last night, and I drove him to the hospital this morning. I'm not going to self loath too much over this, but I'm disappointed in myself. I hope my book arrives today. I need to be stronger, I want to quit smoking crack forever, but I still get urges. I'm going to figure this out, and if I get worse, I'll be the one heading to detox and rehab.
I need to put this into perspective. This is my life I'm talking about. It seems so simple, just don't smoke crack. I know if I keep proceeding down this road, smoking crack, my life is going to fall apart. I can't handle the negative emotions that cracks makes me feel. I can't handle it. I need to take a deep look inside myself, and figure out wtf is wrong with me! I've had issues in the past with other drugs, alcohol, pot. But this crack, it tears me up emotionally. Alcohol and pot pretty much numb me, and then I don't care, but crack exasperates my feelings. For me, crack is completely an emotional heart break. It is difficult for me to comprehend why I'm doing this to myself. Last night I was thinking don't do it, the pleasure is not worth the pain. I was thinking, if you can resist crack tonight, then you'll be proud of yourself tomorrow. I smoked it anyway. I know what I need to do, and that is NOT smoke crack. How many times do I need to go thru this before I can control it?? Pathetic as it sounds, my crack demon is trying to convince me to buy more crack today. I've never experienced anything like this. I'm cognisent that I'm doing this to myself. Now that my buddy has committed himself, he will be gone from 1 to 3 months. If I smoke crack, I'll be doing it alone. I'm turning into a crack head and I hate that. When I was a drunk, I wore it as a badge of honor. "It is my right as an American to drink, so F you" But there is zero pride in smoking crack. Pray for me.
I know its tough - try to hang around other clean people. Build yourself some plans on what you can do in an emergency.
You wrote:
Quote:
Trigger-My buddy who turned me on to crack back in January called me and asked for a ride to the hospital for detox and rehab. So we smoked crack for one last time last night, and I drove him to the hospital this morning.
Ironic that these two quotes directly follow each other. Grab a notebook and write the importance of not associating with fellow users, under any circumstances. Sure the approach may have seemed innocent, but the risk far outweigh any good intentions.
Please know that I do not point this out in this manner to rub salt into an already open wound. I merely want you to be able to move forward with every possible advantage of the knowing that knowledge is power in your behalf.
I also wanted to let you know that site member jon51 is also using the Rational Recovery Method, I am sure that you send him an inquirey by PM, he will be happy to share with you his experience with the program.
Today is a new day ... where there is will and determination there is hope !
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
Congratulations Rick_H on 21 months !!
Glad your here to share !
Thank you Gene !
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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