What to do? I WANT TO HELP HER!!

tonelaure · Newbie

I didn't know anything about cocaine until recently...
I've dated this girl for 4-5 months, she is 34 yrs old, 2 years older than me. She has a very good career and she has a masters in counseling.Everything is good in the relationship for the most part. She said she used to take pills and blow Coc. few years ago, and that it was pretty bad for her, and that those days are over! She said she prayed Lord to help her and that one day she came back home (another city)for her new job to leave everything behind!She said that her ex boyfriend used to do it and was a drugdealer and that things didn't work out between them. She even claimed that she was for ten years with him and that he would be mad at her if he'd know she'd blow Cocaine. There were clear warnings that she was not acting right sometimes. When we go out she'd say I wouldn't mind doin it with you but I don't want to do it here cause it's a small city-everybody knows everybody . She doesn't go out a lot and doesn't like crowds and she goes out sometime with this girl that she claims she doesn't even trust! Her friend hook her up with Marijuana sometimes (allegedly she had twice in the past 5 months)and last saturday she told me that she's going to this concert in another city with her friend. We usually do things on the weekend. One weekend, she crushed pills to snort and I was in shock but I didn't say anything to her. She shows me that she's health conscious, maybe cause she knows that I am. So last saturday she went to this concert and she said that her friend didn't have the ticket so they went downtown in a bar. I asked her if she had some Coc. She said yes before we left and in the club! I was disappointed, and I haven't been in this situation before but I didn't say anything cause I wanted her to keep talking so I know what I am dealing with.
She said that her friend was f*** up and gave out her number to this man although she had a boyfriend. She said that she personaly wasn't a *censored female d-g to the other dude and that she was just talking to him and that she told him she has a boyfriend!

I didn't say anything to her regarding this incident until the following tuesday. I talked to somebody that has done cocaine before and she told me to stay away from her. That once you've done it before and how bad it was, it would not be that easy to just do it occasionaly and that there isn't such things!

So the followiing tuesday I told her that "I'm not try to tell you what to do I just don't want to be around it and she listened and said "You know that's all you have to do, is to ask me to stop so I can stop and I just did it twice in the past 5 months. I don't do it all the time honey..."

Two day later we had a discussion over the phone and she started to be pushy about the relationship. She said that she wanted to know where we are going and do I love her? She wanted to know if I was serious and that she wasn't getting any younger! I told her I care for her and that I do have some feelings but I didn't tell her I love her cause I don't.

She put so much pressure on the relationship over the phone that I told her that really she's mad that I told her that I didn't want to be around this *censored sh_t and the problem is not the seriousness of the relationship...

I maybe f**** it up, but who hasn't in their life.. I tried to be gentle when I told her that I didn't want to be around it! I asked somebody that has done it before in order 4 me to approach her. She's always tired and doesn't have a sex drive (she said it's her ADD pills) and I know it's because she's doin it! I know now that she's never going to be honest with me and probably sneakin behind my back because of my reaction! She said that I didn't trust her and that she wasn't a liar, which is true but didn't they say blowing coc changes your personality and your mood?? She talks about having kids (5 months relationship) and yet she does this!? She wants to meet my parents, and I'm not sure about blowing coc. occasionaly is there such things? And how can she do that when she has that kind of job!?

She said she needed couple days to think about her relationship.

I just want to help her, and say things to help her whether she wants to be with me or not, because it's the right thing to do and because I care for her and not because of this argument. I would feel bad if she goes back to coc and does it all the time. I just don't know how to approach it anymore?

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Anything I say here is only from my own experiences, If there is such thing as using coke occasionally - it pretty much always ends up consuming the person (I haven't yet met any exceptions to this). When I was in the midst of my addiction the only person that could help me was me. And the only thing that made me want to help myself was an ugly bottom.

This disease (addiction) knows no boundaries - Race, religion, intelligence, career - anyone can be an addict, just like anyone can get cancer or diabetes.

Don't know if any of this helps but it might give you something to think about.

tonelaure · Newbie

You're right! I think she wanted couple days to think about her relationship because I told her that if she does it all the time "I don't want to be around it!". It would be sad that she would choose Coc. over me! (I know, it happens all the time to people!)

So do people have to experience an "ugly bottom" in order to help themself??If I talk to her again should I talk about it at all??

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

I can't really tell you what you should do. I really can't make any fair recommendation without being there. What you need to be aware of before making your decision are the facts of addiction. Read some of the stories here and learn what you can on addiction.

Not everyone needs to hit an ugly bottom I'm sure there are exceptions - I just don't know any. Many of us do though. Living clean is alot of work - quitting drugs is only part of the problem I had to face - what I have to work on everyday are the reasons I used.

By all means encourage her to quit. But don't make this your mission - if she is to successfully quit, she will need to be doing it for her not a relationship.

Whatever your choice - please be cautious

tonelaure · Newbie

Thank you!