Recovery is possible. 637 days clean

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

From the time I was a kid I alway felt different, always the outsider never belonged never wanted. Don't know if thats true or not but thats how I felt. I spent my whole life trying to feel accepted, wanted , to feel a sense of accomplishment. But no matter what I accomplished it wasn't enough – it didn't fill that emptyness I felt inside.

So where did this feeling start? The earliest I remember it was right after my dad committed suicide. That feeling was probably there before however and the situation just fed that sick thinking. A few years later I was the victim of a sexual assualt by a priest. Now I was more insecure, and started to build an distrust of people in positions of authority. That person also used punishment as a method or excuse to assault – so to this day I am terrified of confrontation.

My negative thinking snowballed and I ended up pretty much a loner. Any time I tryed to fit in with a group I wanted to be friends with, I would try to change into what I thought they would want me to be. This obviously didn't work. But the pattern of lying to try and meet my needs or to avoid a confrontation became well engrained and an automatic defense mechanism.

My path of addiction started early. The first time I got drunk, I realized that this was a way I could fill that emptiness, escape my life, be who I wanted, not be scared ..... this could go on and on – but basically it made me feel different.

Alcohol was my drug of choice and did just as much damge to my family as my drug addiction eventually would. But then came a day when I was drunk and offered a line of coke. I made the choice that would start me on a road doing things I never would have imagined in my worst nightmares. I'm just going to quickly list some of these to give you an idea as I am not very proud of this part of my past.

Lying, stealing from strangers family friends and my own daughter. Cheating, driving dealers for their reloads. Doing my deals with my kids in the car. Taking time off work to the point I almost lost my job. Fraud scams. I stopped just before I did an armed robbery – a brief moment of caution – this was when I thought about getting help.

One problem I didn't have the courage to ask for help. I ended up leaving a trail of money that I would have to answer for a got myself caught. I guess I wanted to go out with a bang. At this point my family knew there was something wrong with me and suspected drugs – my wife however was in fullblown denial until that day. She searched and found my collection of baggies and other items and took the kids and left. My family was brought in did an intervention of sorts, dropped me off at a detox where they later informed me they wanted no more contact with me until I had successfully completed treatment at a residential facility. Spent 3 weeks after detox living in a homeless shelter from a tradesman making 80K a year to a shelter – that was some humility that I needed. At this point I almost committed suicide rather than fight the disease thankfully I had a spiritual experience that saved my life – then a couple more that gave me the direction I needed. Finally got into treatment, Thank Lord for NA – 2 meetings a day got me through until treatment(note I was lucky to only have a 3 week wait to enter treatment – our area is usually 2 or more months)

So I went to treatment thinking it would cure me – quickly was taught that is not what treatment is for. That treatment is just to give us some extra tools and a bit of knowledge and a head start. I resigned to the fact that for “this” addict it was likely to be a lifetime of 12 step meetings that would keep me alive.

So here I am – my clean date is July 17/06. I have not found it necessary to use or take a drink since then. I have had and still have cravings, but not as often and not as bad. Now I recognise them as warning signs that I am not working my program to the best of my abilities.

Today I look at my disease as a blessing – I finally have found a place where I belong. I am finally discovering the person I was always mean't to be. Today I look in the mirror and not only don't want to throw up – but actually like who I see. Today I spend each day trying to be just a bit better than the previous day. Today I live a much simpler life. Today I am getting better at accepting life on life's terms. Today I am a good father, a good husband (I am one of the fortunate ones that was given another chance). Today I live life one day at a time – which as I type this has been 637 days clean and sober. Today I finally found what I was missing that would fill that emptiness inside – today I have a higher power.

My way might not be for you – but know that recovery is possible! And I haved gained so much more than I ever gave up.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Rick,

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel that everyone that is struggling with addiction, or has a loved one in addiction will be able to find inspiration in the words that you have written here.

You have overcome much more then your addiction, and have every right to be proud of your accomplishments.

Congratulations !!!! ...and thank you !

Wishing you continued Strength and Peace,

Michelle

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Thanks for taking the time to respond, and for the kind words Michelle. You help alot of people here and have alot of wisdom behind and in your words. Keep up the good work.