The Other Woman

amanda0297 · Resident

That is how I would Describe Crack as The other woman in my fiance's life. "She" get's all his time. All his money goes towards "Her". I feel like I have to compete with this "other Woman". I cry all the time because oof ths "other Woman". I want my fiance back and don't know what to do to get him back and get this "Other Woman" out of his life. What we do and where we go depends on this "Other Woman" and if he can get ahold of "Her". "She" has been a major part of his life well before I met him, I don't know if he will ever give "Her" up. A lot has been taken away from me because of this "Other Woman". I despise "Her."

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Amanda,

It is most certainly ok to want to support your loved one, but not at the expense of yourself. Continue to educate yourself here by reading the forums and the informatiional section of this site. Distancing yourself as much as possible from his addiction issues and securing your own personal finances to insure that they do not provide him additional means of supporting his habit. Do hold him responsible for his portion of shared bills if you are sharing a residence. Know that by setting boundaries that you can reasonably uphold can protect you both financially and by focusing on what is and is not acceptable to you can ease the burden you feel emotionally as well.

You can't compete with the draw that crack has on your fiance, but if you can focus on you and keep yourself moving in a positive direction with boundaries that do not accept his addiction issues he may be encouraged to turn his head in a more hopeful direction.

Allowing this site to be as much as a recovery tool for yourself to help you gain a healthy perspective on what you do, or do not have the power to control...Saving yourself the emotional energy of trying to control what is not yours to control.

Hang in there, and keep reading ... there are many here in support of you dealing with your situation in the best possible light...

Do be kind to yourself, know that you are not alone, many of us have been where you are now ... focus on dealing with how you allow his issues to effect you, one day at a time ...

Wishing you Strength and Peace....

Michelle

Admin · Site Admin

There is a slang term for cocaine: White Lady.
If you feel that you are competing -- you shouldn't. I meant to say you shouldn't feel this way nor you should compete. You fiance is the one who making choices. May be, it is your time to have choices too.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

amanda0297 wrote:

I have been with my fiance for almost a year
and have been opened to a whole other world that I do not like.

I have treied to help him and am still trying

I have begged him not to go.
I have went to the crack dealers myself and begged them not to sell to him anymore.

I don't do drugs and never have, this is the first time
I have ever dealt with anybody one drugs before.

We can't keep money in the house...Our bills are always late.
He has taken money from his son and my son before.
He has taken meat out of our freezer and traded it for crack.

I have become a person I don't even recognize anymore.

amanda0297 wrote:

he has done good before and I know what kind of person he can be.

I just want better for him.

amanda0297 wrote:

That is how I would Describe Crack as The other woman in my fiance's life. "She" get's all his time. All his money goes towards "Her". I feel like I have to compete with this "other Woman". I cry all the time because oof ths "other Woman". I want my fiance back and don't know what to do to get him back and get this "Other Woman" out of his life. What we do and where we go depends on this "Other Woman" and if he can get ahold of "Her". "She" has been a major part of his life well before I met him, I don't know if he will ever give "Her" up. A lot has been taken away from me because of this "Other Woman". I despise "Her."

You want your fiance back?

It's sounds more to me like....
you want the guy you've seen, that he can be,
that guy you've met because he's doing good...
to be your fiance.

This "other women" didn't have to take,
what you never had and "she" already owned...
and, anything else, your choices freely hand to "her".

The two of you haven't even been together a year,
and, despite this new world you were finding out about,
knowing this was his world, the world he was living in,
the world he's been living in, way before you stepped into it...

not only, have you chosen to stick around but,
you've chosen to be his wife and despise the "other women" instead.

She gets where she goes.

pause4poetry · Moderator

You can not get to a place,
that you have not yet arrived.

I agree that "she/he gets where she/he goes" ...
is an undeniable statement that applies to
all of us.

Ahhh the pain of truth and reality...,
one either sinks Help!

, or swims to higher ground,
the question is how long one is willing
to fight the current, and risk going down with the ship.

Quote:

Allowing this site to be as much as a recovery tool for yourself to help you gain a healthy perspective on what you do, or do not have the power to control...Saving yourself the emotional energy of trying to control what is not yours to control.

Amanda,
I can not stress enough how helpful it can be to turn your attention back to the things that you have the power to control, the things that you are capable of changing. The results of your progress may not turn out to be what you had hoped for, but you will find yourself in a place far better then you are currently standing, which promises nothing that you do not personally have the power to change.

Consider the person that Lynn describes that you want and are trying to reach, that you plan to marry, is not available to himself right now. There is no way for you to determine whether, or not he will be available to share in the responsibility of a relationship anytime soon, if ever. No doubt this is not what any of us wants to hear, but it is a harsh reality that we face with a loved one in addiction. Acknowledging and accepting this is a very large part of being able to put things in a healthy perspective for you to begin dealing with the emotional mess that has become a part of your daily life.

Keep reading and posting... Wishing you better days ahead...

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

amanda0297 · Resident

I try not to get so mad at him but just his addiction but it is so hard. i want so much for him and i know what he can be. How do I over come his addiction? "she" has so much control over our lives. Everything revolves around "her". More Cry

. Is there help out there for me and is there somway I can be more educated on this?

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

Is there help out there for me and is there somway I can be more educated on this?

http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... bid-4.html
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects.html

You have made 7 posts, none of them is discussing what your fiance is doing about this situation. Should you tell us his position on this matter ?

amanda0297 · Resident

Is part in everything is that he has "good intentions" on quitting but there is always something that triggers that craving. he does what he does then he will throw "the tool" away and say that he has had enough of it and doesn't want anymore. he says he wants to change but hen he says he is under alot of stress and that is the only way he knows how to deal with it. I get so frustrated at times because he tells me he wants to do good and I get my hopes up thinking that he will and then I get let down. He described it was like having a new pool and swimming in it all the time and then there are times when it gets old. He has this huge monkey on his back and don't know how to get rid of it. He has all ready started smoking today. I know once he has started, He doesn't want to stop. He said he has no excuses for what he does. when I do confront him about his addiction and how it is affecting this family, all he says is "I know and I am sorry tomorrow will be better." the next day is a repeat of the day before. it is like a neverending circle. SOS

Admin · Site Admin

What he says, and what he does. Measures should be taken on what he does, not what he says.
The are some dangerous tendencies in your explanation. You are justifying everything he does, because he is addicted. You tend to explain everything by his addiction.

deliciousswaggerdog · Resident

Amanda,
Tomorrow will not get better, unless he takes action to make it better. Things I'm doing to help myself stop smoking crack
1)Read the threads in this forum
2)start a thread in this forum and make posts
3)try and learn from others in this forum
4)order the book "Rational Recovery"
5)go to AA or NA and get a sponsor
6)go to meetings often
7)pray
I'm still struggling, but without taking action, I'd be worse off then I am now....take care

amanda0297 · Resident

Please explain to me how I am justifying what he does because of his addiction. I know he has a problem and so does he. I don't understand what you mean.

excrackerjack · Tenant

Amanda, by justification, what you are doing is you are making excuses for him and for your self. You are blaming the addiction for all the things that are going wrong. You are blaming the addiction for his choices. The truth is right now he chooses to use dope. It is a choice. Yes the addiction may have its grips on him. But he has a choice everyday when he opens his eyes whether to give in to that addiction, whether to go get help or ask for help. Just like you have a choice whether you stay and bang your head against the wall and blame addiction or take steps to stop to cycle YOU are in with him.
Peace
Peace

:
Anastasia

amanda0297 · Resident

I see what you sre saying. I never looked at it that way before. I guess I do make excuses for him. I have never been in a situation like this before. Is there anything I can do to help him?

scaredwife · Resident

Quote:

when I do confront him about his addiction and how it is affecting this family, all he says is "I know and I am sorry tomorrow will be better." the next day is a repeat of the day before.

has there been a point yet where you have tried to give him some type of ultimatum? have you followed thru? i am new to this as well, but i know there has to be some consequence he will face if he continues to use over the reality of possibly losing you. do you live together and have you asked him to leave over this tug of war? when i confronted my husband i was prepared to have him pack that nite and stand by that and still do. i certainly know its easier said than done.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

amanda0297 wrote:

I have never been in a situation like this before. Is there anything I can do to help him?

How about what you can, could or should do,
to help, not only you, but, your son as well!

Having never been in this type of situation before,
why in the world would you and do you, remain in this situation at all?

If you were already married to this guy,
my position would be to invest the time and energy,
and make an honest effort to work on saving your marriage.

Since this is not the case...yet,
and, for whatever, G0D forsaken reason,
you walked into this mess with your eyes wide shut...

I can only suggest to you,
to get your head out of the clouds already,
and start running in the opposite direction,
instead of wallowing around aimlessly in this sh-t any longer.

amanda0297 · Resident

Today has not been good because he has already called me and said that he is goin to start smoking. we have to pick up his son this afternoon. I just wish and pary that he would take some responsibilty and be a man. I hate crack.

excrackerjack · Tenant

Love yourself first. How old is his son? Is it smart for that child to be exposed to a man who is smoking crack?
That is VERY UNCOOL!
Now really think about what you are doing here. It is one thing for you an adult to make the choice to hang out and be miserable with a crackerjack but does this child have a choice? If you are miserable with a drug addict, what is it doing to this boy?

Peace
Anastasia

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

amanda0297 wrote:

Today has not been good because he has already called me
and said that he is goin to start smoking.

...Today has not been good...
yeah, and...your point is what?

Like today is any different then yesterday,
or, the day before that or the day before that. Rolling Eyes

amanda0297 wrote:

we have to pick up his son this afternoon.

I just wish and pary that he would take some responsibilty and be a man.

HELLOOOOOOOO

Why in the h-ll does he have to be responsible,
when he has you there, to take care of his responsibilities?

"We", don't have to pick up anyone....HE does

amanda0297 wrote:

I hate crack.

Why???...What did crack do to you?

Crack didn't walk into your life....
YOU walked into and remain, in a crackhead's life.

Stop focusing on his lack of responsibility,
and start focusing on your lack of responsibility...
instead of blaming everything on crack!