It is like sitting in the back seat watching a new driver take his road test....
I sit silent as we reach the T in the road ...
knowing the chance that he takes a direction
other then the one he intended I am silent as if
it has gone unnoticed, I am waiting to see if he is
capable of making the necessary correction to
complete his route without further driving the wrong
direction.
I see the indecision in his eyes as they focus left,
on what should be a right .... As time passes, I see the
disappointment in himself as realization hits home that
he has made a wrong turn ... his eyes close for an instant
as he verbally admits he has taken the wrong direction...
I ask which direction it is that he intends to go and he replied,
not this way .... I wanted to go right ... but turned left instead.
I simply replied that he was in the drivers seat, he had the controls ...
He had done well for 17 days straight ... today, one day before I had anticipated a problem as tomorrow is the day he will have enough money to truly blow his run of sobriety...
In essence I told him that because he used today did not mean that he had to cease motion, or continue going a direction other then intended. He has proven that he can move forward without giving in to his cravings and that what he did from here was up to him.
He was not high when he arrived here, he contemplated not coming over at all because he felt that he had failed. I told him he had not failed me, but failed himself.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted, and he replied, "I want to be done."
I asked him how he felt about what he had used, and he said he was just telling his brother how well he had been doing ... and that he really did not even feel good while doing it. He then talked about how good he had felt about not using and reconnecting with his family members, brothers, nephews etc. that he had been spending busy time with to keep his mind off using, including time he has spent here with me ... drug free. He noted to me the days sober all that he had been able to take part in because he was sober, then for a few hits on a pipe, he ends up of to him self, isolated and removed from everyone that he has found pleasure in being with over the last 2 1/2 weeks.... I asked him if he was going to let a few hits on a pipe change what he had rediscovered being sober ...and he said, NO, I am done ... I almost changed mind, but I allowed myself to anyway, but I know I can do it.... I am going to do it.
I asked him if he realized that tomorrow was also a critical day, and he acknowledged that he did. He said he intends to not falter on his responsibilities, that he simply could not. He then listed off his obligations and how he intended to handle them. I have helped him carry-out his money obligations before, but for reasons I can't really put my finger on, I did not offer this time.... maybe because I myself am at that T in the road ...and I need to see where he takes this on his own merit as I continue to work on the parts of me that still struggle. I will share as I learn more... and this has been quite the experience....
We talked for a few minutes about my feelings, and I told him that he hurt himself more then anyone and that I knew that he had been making a sincere effort to stay focused on being sober. He had proven that he can abstain and that it was up to him to continue choosing right over left. That if he will look at where he has been and where he truly wants to end up, that I still believe that he can make the corrections necessary to get where he wants to go....
Basically that was it, he knows that I am willing to support his sobriety, but I also know that he feels the huge gap that is in our relationship due to the distances I have set to protect my own health. He knows it was necessary and says that he does not blame me.
Me, I am ok, but it is odd because I do feel like I described above .... far removed from the deep emotions that I had felt for so long .... yes I still love him, but somehow I have gained a handle on the way I allow his addiction to effect me. I don't want to say that I expected him to fall, but I wanted to be ready for when he did ...I know that may not make sense, and I will try and think of a better way to explain it ... I really was proud for his efforts, but I did not hang every hope on it relationship wise. I think backing up and taking the relationship back a few steps has really helped me a lot ....
I will keep you all updated .... thanks for listening ...
You have great perspective on this and it sounds like Darrell is gettng there too. Despite the slip, it sounds like he wants to correct his turn and head in the right direction again.
I can so relate to what you have stated here. While my b/f has not slipped and I have faith that he won't part of me is always aware of the possibility. I'm always aware of and anxious about the tests I see on the road ahead.
I think there is wisdom in focusing on the friendship. There is much to rebuild, even in friendship alone.
I'm sure this will come up in my therapy session tomorrow. It did last week...and my thoughts were...that it is too soon to be asking questions about notions of rekindling a romantic partnership. I don't know if that is possible....or wise. He needs to find himself again...without the crutch of the drug. I need to spend my energy on finding myself again as well. Friendship is good and is the base.
"No Man (or Woman) Is A Failure Who Has Friends" - one of the characters in "It's a Wonderful Life"
Its funny everytime we feel that its going to be okay....they give into their temptations.
At the beginning i used to feel bad and be soooooooo supportive, but now that i know that its up to them to change, i really don't feel the same way. I come here and see lynn, diane and bill. They really wanted to change. They still have the temptations but their life and what they have accomplished is too precious to loose. Thats why i don't have the same outlook on my bf situation. He tells me that i used to care and understand but now that i come here (on this site) I am not the same. I told him that i see and heared peoples stories who struggled as much as he did, but the difference is that they wanted to changed and they did. He is the only one that has the power. I remember lynn saying in one of my threads, he didn't fight his temptations because he didn't want to. And that is so true.
I am sorry that Darrell slipped and i hope that pay day tomorrow will keep him out of trouble. I am thinking of you Michelle,
I just know that although I can support him, I can not carry him through ... that is up to him.
If he wants this, he needs to find exactly where he is in his addiction... does he truly want his sobriety and if so what it will take for him to reach it.
I have stated my opinion so many times in the past anything added at this point will only sound redundant, he needs to apply some serious effort into finding what he feels will work in his situation.
In the same respect, I need to find that balance within myself. Looking upon the actions of someone else to gauge how we feel is not in our best interest, especially in the face of dealing with addiction.
Life is what we make it,
not what we allow someone
else to make it for us....
I have been in that place that
consumes my days with the
stress, worry , sadness and
endless waiting that kept me
standing still in a place I hated
being, because it hindered me
me from enjoying life as I know
it can be, how I want it, and
need it to be....
Life is too short to get lost in the
shuffle of someone one else’s
poor decisions, and stay there for
very long and I have been in a state
of limbo for far too long already. I
need start thinking about my future,
and finding that balance that I need .
Thanks again ... I really appreciate your responses ...
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on Jan 24, 2007 - 11:36 PM; edited 1 time in total
Michelle-
You were well armed for this relapse and you were ready and protected. I know how you feel as far as emotionally distant, I think I've done that myself somewhat, but I think I feel stronger because of it. Not that my love has waned in any way, but that I've realized all the crying or worrying in the world isn't going to make one bit of difference. Will I feel the same way if and when the next time my son uses? I don't know but I hope so. Can I force myself to stop worrying and waiting when he doesn't come home again? Sure don't know but am hoping I will be able to lock the door and just go to sleep. Trying to be stronger. Hoping a relapse doesn't come but hoping if it does I can handle it as I stronger, more armoured person.
I really liked your initial post here, and will save that to help remind me that I am not driving. Giving up some of the responsibility is crucial and liberating, yet scary as he|l.
It sounds like he was quite remorseful, which I know is what is to be expected and have witnessed it myself. But it also sounds like he has a plan to stay on track and realizes the isolation he brought upon himself; the pain he caused you; and the clear reminder of what he gives up if he uses. I really hope that he will have the strength to make it thru his obligations tomorrow as what a great confidence builder and success that would be for him.
Relapses are expected, but they still suck. Please take care.
Well the news through this point is that he made it through today with having what I consider a worthy amount of money in his hand. He paid his bills with out my assistance as with in the past times that were sucessful, and was here shortly after I arrived home from work to share his news. Today was truly a critical day for him, because he stood to lose alot if his debts were not paid as expected, so I am grateful for that and feel much better about not offering to hold his hand, because he now knows he can responsibly meet his needs without someone walking him through it. He even bought a new radiator for his truck that has been put off for far too long because of his addiction issues.
He left here shortly before he was due in at his Mom's, so I am hopeful that things are still in order. Tomorrow will tell me more ...
There is still opportunity though as he still has enough cash in his pocket to use if he chooses. The money that remains should pay for his trip to St. Louis tomorrow, personal items and of course gas for his truck ... and I have no doubt that he is tempted. I will be anxious to see how tomorrow goes, I hope it goes in his favor. I have clients scheduled for tomorrow, so this will be a solo trip for him. Also, he has been spending time with his daughter and grandson here, as they frequent my home often. We all had a decided last minute dinner here this evening and it is really good to see him reconnecting with his kids and grandkids. He seems relaxed and content spending time with them and seems to enjoy the horseplay that is often present when the little ones are around. It's time, because they grow up right before our eyes and everyday with them should be valued as a gift ...
Thank you for all you input, it really means alot to me....
Much Love,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I love your wisdom and the words you use affected me tonight and to tell you the truth I was moved. You are so right in your thinking because if you allow the actions of others to determine your outlook on life you could be in a bad position. Thank you for sharing those words I have to say you are talented in expressing thoughts.
I see now how strong you are and what you go through. I wanted to personaly thank you for your words so you know that they meant so very much to me.
Thank you ... I write what I feel, I have been writing for myself since I have been in my teens, it is a way for me to better work through my thoughts and is really a great tool for getting things out that may otherwise sit inside and cause turmoil.... it works for me ...
I feel that one reason that site is so effective is because people can come here and express what they may otherwise hold inside .... things that need to come out and be acknowledged ....
Thank you once again for your words .... they are very welcomed and I too am learning from your post as well....
Remember to take some time for Steve through all of this ... you are important too ....
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
We are standing on opposite ends of the country and as I read your story, Darell's story through your eyes...I feel as though I'm looking into a mirror.
I'm glad that he made it through the day and is again finding joy in the things in life he had let himself miss for so long.
This is a new and yet familiar ride, isn't it?
My prayers are with you for peace in your heart and mind and continued strength. My prayers are with Darell that he will continue to find strength within himself, and remain on the path of recovery...looking ever forward, and never back, except to remember where he doesn't want to be and refuses to let himself go.
That mirror that grabs your attention .... I know it well.
Yes, this ride is new and different as you put it, because I have been able to somehow take a position that allows me to exist in my own right as should have been able to long before now. Like finding yourself stuck in a deep dark whole and finally being able to see the sky above you ... although I know I am not quite there yet, I feel that I am growing more into myself, the person that I lost in the face of my loved ones addiction. This is a place I have reached far to get and there were many times that I did not think that it was possible. I keep waiting to wake up and feel that tightness in my chest, the fear of the unknown that I will face when I awaken to the emotional pain of trying to move through my day, when all I truly want to do is cease all motion and forget the thoughts that keep moving through my head...., but this time is different....
I am calm and feel like I have it more together then I have had in the past.
Determination maybe to finally look at things for what they truly are and that means accepting that his fate is not up to me, but knowing full well that I am responsible for how I feel and act upon those feelings.
I am not dancing on the stars here, but I am truly ok ... there is peace inside of me that I can not explain the exact moment that it found me, but I am grateful.....
I have a theory, but it might get me laughed off the message boards here, but Falons funeral services really had a message for me as I hope the words that were spoken reached her family in much the same way. So I do understand how your boyfriend's faith can be helping through this... We have to grab a hold of what we truly believe in our hearts what we feel will work for us, whatever that may be.... once we find that strength, we can achieve most anything for ourselves ...
Thanks for your prayers and good wishes ... I will keep you in mine as well ...
as always Strength and peace to you Jenni... Thank you !
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
My loved one left for St. Louis on Thurseday morning,
he made it approximately 1/3 of the distance between
his his Mom's and the Cancer Center, before turning
around to come back to familiar territory and use
again. So Thurseday, was another bad day for him.
What I can credit him with is he, called me and openly
admitted what he had done, and the followed through
informing his parents and his daughter of the same. I
think although this was difficult for him, but he saw it
as nesessary to get back on track.
What worries me is that he seriously lacks the tools
to get him through the urges to use. In his words,
EVERYTHING seems to have become a trigger, which I
am sure comes from the fact that at one point it seemed
like he used nonstop ... dailey use, in large amounts.
I can come up with countless things that I would consider
triggers and I have no doubt that he could add to my
list without question.
I am beginning to realize how frustration this must be
for the addict trying to quit, because any use at all
even in the smallest amounts continues the addiction,
leaving and opening for them to return to increased
usage, and active addiction.
I have decided that I will print a copy of Crack Busters
work book in hopes that he will see himself in the pages
written there and be able to relate and apply what is
there for him to utilize through his recovery.
Friday he rescheduled his appointments in St. Louis, which
in his case is a good sign, because previous to now these
are the things that he would have let go of without giving
it a second thought. Friday was a sober day for him as was
today ...
He will begin working beginning Monday, and he has a positive
out look that he can make it go the direction he wants it to go,
however I question the his strength and abilities to effectively
abstain with money in hand, not at such an early stage anyway,
but this is just my opinion.
I am hoping that presenting him with a copy of Crack Busters,
that he can realistically form a plan that will give him the
edge that he needs to truly get started in the right direction.
I additionally hope that he will find other resources that may
further support as this is the most serious I have seen him
attempt to work through his urges to use. The amounts that
he has used within the last several weeks has been minimal in
comparison to his usual pattern.
I am open for any and all suggestions as to how I can better
support, or encourage his efforts without feeling I am force
feeding my ideals upon him. Our relationship has basically
taken a step back to a very superficial point right now, and
continue to feel that is where is needs to remain for the time
being, but I still want to be supportive in the areas that really
count as far as offering him information that may help him gain
back the controls for himself.
The days that he interacts with family and keeps himself busy to
the point that he is tired at the end of the day are his good days.
I have always noticed that he easily gets bored when he is idle...
even sober, I have not seen anyone that has the want to stay so
active. This is one reason that he has put off the idea of
returning to Charleston as a large amount of the time there is idle
time .... no TV, no literature unless it is recovery, or spiritually
minded, besides dailey group, no real activities to keep a person busy.
Although I continue to encourage his recovery efforts here, he seems
discouraged by my recent lack of input, but I am truly feel he has
heard everything I have had to say to this point ... I guess I am
truly at a loss for words here.
Once again, I am open for input from anyone that cares to comment.
Thanks,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thank you for the time that you have taken here and I really appreciate you posting your point of view.
I feel that you understand the direction that I am working towards here, but also know and understand that getting to this point has been work and it is not within my nature to stand back and not assist when I see someone struggling. I am as always, a work in progress. Although, I feel from my experience with this relationship that it is what is best for both of us at this point.
I have already shared the existance of Crack Busters with him and although he listened to what I had to say about it, he did not reach out and embrace it as something that he was eager to get his hands on ... for this reason I have chosen not to force feed this application to him. He knows that is is available if he wants to utilize it as a part of his recovery.
As I said, yesterday was a good day and today he is busy splitting wood to fill idle time. Overall he seems to have his mood swings under control and is trying very hard to not bring his frustrations and anxieties through my door when he enters. I feel that he is trying hard to accept the reins back into his own hands and accept the responsibility of guiding himself in a direction that is in his own best interest.
Of course, I liked and can relate to your anology of the colt struggling to stand, very true and I can bring that vision to mind when I feel myself hesitate to allow him to stand on his own accord.
I do feel like I am heading in the right direction here and I once again thank you for your support and the way in which tou have stated your view on the situation from what I have shared.... I will continue to try and keep an open mind, so that I can examine and prepare for all possiblities as I find that balance that puts me in a better place, the place I need to be within myself.
Your right, I do love him, but I need to continue loving myself enough to let go of the reins that kept me bound to his addiction issues for so long... I am getting there.. and I know it, but it was nice to hear it from your point of view ....
Thank you ... your words are well taken and appreciated on this end ...
Strength and Peace to you ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Michelle-
I'm sorry for what you are going thru.
Please remember all that you have taught me and see how your words can be used in your situation as well.
You are a rock to Darrell, you are steady in your strives to help him live a substance free life, and he has shown he is making good efforts to get there, but he's not there yet. As much as we want them rid of this you and I both know it is their choice.
observer-I liked your post and your quote. It is difficult to stand by while someone you love destroys themselves with drugs. Even tho we know that becoming sober is their choice it is hard not to try to help them find the right choice. Sometimes we overwhelm ourselves and our loved ones in our quest to keep them clean, and sometimes we can stand back and let them fall a bit, but it is a struggle for us as well. In some ways we become just like the crack addict, sick with worry all the time, lose weight, lose time from work, etc. but eventually we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and resign ourselves to the fact that we aren't controlling any of this anyway.
But that's only sometimes.
Thank you both for your responses as they are very much appreciated.
Darell has continued to do well since his use last thurseday, actually I have not been counting the days, but this is not on purpose, I just haven't really thought about it until returning to this thread. Maybe it is that I am getting better and taking each day for what it is worth...
A true statement, yes I am a doer and a fixer, I am not necessarily looking to change who I am, but find the balance that works for me. I do enjoy extending myself to others, I am who I am ... but I can tell you I am experiencing a significant difference in how I deal with my emotions and it feels good, I am getting where I want to be within myself and that only encourages me to keep working on "me" ...
Lucy your right, I have been his rock, and I am finding that learning that focussing on me is not slighting him, but actually helping him to stand on his own two feet in a way that will hopefully help him rebuild within himself what he feels he has lost through his addiction ... I can still support and encourage his recovery while I continue to work on my own recovery ...
Once again, thank you both for your interest and encouraging words ....
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thanks, Logan, I do feel stronger then before.
I do think you have had some good postings on the site, and certainly some experience with these matters.
My experience with my son has never been that of one where I needed the highs/lows, etc. to get my "fix", and I know what you said above was a general statement, I just wanted to be clear with my particular situation. I do think my experience as been one of obsession, just the constant drive to force him not to use, not to want to use. But I'm letting go of that obsession, getting better at it every day, and Michelle I think we are similar in our attempts to allow our loved ones to handle their addictions in their own hands as best we can.
We live and we learn and then we let go as much as we can bear to and then some more.
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